Do Not Grieve Alone.com

Stories, we all have them, we all tell them.

Last night while at dinner with my family we shared family “tales.” Thanksgiving provides an opportunity for family to come from near and far, to reminesce about earlier Thanksgivings. The stories of me setting the candied yams on fire, kids wandering around with black olives on their fingers, the naming of the turkey  ritual…yes, stories.

We are learning more and more that the “story” we tell, the stories we tell individually or as a couple or family reveal a lot about us. Our stories AFFECT what we do, how we feel, and what direction our future will take.

There’s a folk tale that a grieving mother went to the Buddha and begged for Buddha to  bring back her dead child. The Buddha agreed to do that on one condition .She needed to bring a handful of dirt from a house that had never known grief and give the dirt to the Buddha. Her child would be brought back to life. The woman agreed and went out into the village.

She returned, empty handed. The moral of the story…of course, we all know grief. Too often when we are in the process of grieving ANY transition, a death of a role (empty  nest), a change in a relationship (divorce), or the death of a friend, we can become self absorbed, feel like life is “cosmically” picking on us. The story becomes one of victim (me) and persecutor (the cosmos). That’s a dangerous story to live and tell. That’s a story which will separate us from others. That’s a story which will cause us to engage in unhealthy decisions or behaviors.

What does your story tell, do you hold on to your grief? Does your grief define who you are? Do you lead with your grief?

Challenge: write the story of your life…you play the leading character…read your story. Did you place yourself in an empowering position ? Did you show yourself to be a victim?

Once you have examined your stance in life you can see where that story might need some tweeking. Claude Steiner wrote the  book Scripts People Live . The assumption is that our life can be viewed as a script. We have a plot line we follow, some of it consciously, some unconciously. The point of this exercise is to see “THE MOVIE YOU ARE LIVING”

Are you living the movie you want to live? What do you need to change to live the movie that has an ending that is appealing to you? What action can you take to fine tune the script of your life?

When plagued with a choice oftentimes I think, if I had to show my daughter’s a movie of my behavior, what would I like that movie to look like?

Happy editing !

Beth

I love my children, my oldest turning thirty in just a week or so. But, the challenges of being both parent and child can seem so overwhelming at times…the rewards, well, often in the distant future.

Now’s the time to talk about gratitude. Tis the season.

Last night in my Happiness Boot Camp we shared gratitude rituals, parenting behaviors, and how being a playful and “fun” parent is rewarding even in the presence of a young teen rolling her eyes at Mom’s ridiculous antics. But, when Mom’s antics come back around and the “child” does the same somewhat “foolish” behavior Mom is forever rewarded.

As my children were growing up, Thanksgiving was a time when they were “forced” to acknowledge what they were grateful for. I would put up a large sheet of white freezer paper and kids could color or write their blessings on that sheet of paper. Or, one year, a white board replaced the paper and I began requesting that their friends write about their blessings.

The annual Thanksgiving ritual was to go around the table and share what each of us was most grateful for. Oftentimes, they were grateful for their Cabbage Patch Dolls, Timmy and Jocelyn, or perhaps a new Miami Miss Bike, or the hamster they acquired. But, around the teen years the moaning and groaning  began at this ritual. But, to their credit and (my persistence), the ritual continued in spite of rolling eyes and sighs.

Last Thanksgiving was the second one we spent together following their Dad’s untimely death. My oldest daughter hosted a  beautiful dinner in her new home. She was “the boss of the dinner.” She and her sisters and their 20 something friends prepared the meal. I sat back so as not to interfere…they did a great job, but jokes flew around the chicken about the “anal” people who did EXCELL spreadsheets on Thanksgiving preparations.  So, as the day went on, and dinner was just a couple of hours late, the notion of an Excell Spreadsheet didn’t seem quite so ridiculous after all. I, to my credit, exhibited restraint…not one lecture on planning ahead and thawing the turkey perhaps a little sooner then Thanksgiving morning.

The moment of real glory came when my eldest daughter sat down at her beautifully set table and announced that we would go around the table and announce how our lives were blessed…

Yes, dear ones, what goes around, comes around.

Let gratitude abound.

Parents, take heart, your efforts will be repaid and replayed…

I have a wonderful role model who always challenges me with looking for the Divine everywhere, lest I miss the experience.

After attending the Greater Chicago Quilt Exposition last week, and taking two classes from Gloria Loughman, an accomplished quilter from Australia, my gratitude cup overflowed. Gloria exhibited three of the most important qualities of happiness : meaning, purpose, and in this setting ENGAGEMENT. Through two days of teaching she was thoroughly in the “flow” engaged with us in a way that was admirable. She guided, laughed, and was bemused by the foibles of me and the other earnest class “sweathogs”  and in turn her flow merged with ours.

So, after a long flight home and a day of recoup, I went in search for a certain product she recommended. It really WAS “a cold, dark, stormy  night” as I hurried into the local chain fabric store, as all the quilt shops were closed by then.

I had my gratitude blinders on. I was there on a mission and a rather irritating voice kept asking me ” do you need help, ma’am?” I wouldn’t even LOOK UP from the stack of stabilizers, instead I would say , nicely, “nope, doin’ fine.”

I then found a bonus…an iron I had been coveting was 40% OFF, I did the happy dance right there…and whooped, as I am prone to do. I found the right stablizer AND the iron. I happy danced all the way to the register. Yippee…look what I discovered?

The young woman said, “wait, something better yet…here’s a 10 % coupon off of EVERYTHING” ( The voice was familiar..I had been dismissive, yet she continued to be helpful)

My happy dance over my good fortune, prompted a discussion about school, kids, and life. She had formerly been an ICU nurse, but currently is going back to school to become a geologist. She relayed that her mom had been a nurse and at 40 went back to med school when a physician had tried to discourage her because she was “too old.” Grinning impishly, she asserted, “yup, my grandma was the same way, both my mom and grandma taught  me to be spunky.”

The items had been paid for, packed up, but I continued to be  enchanted by this special young woman. I had removed the gratitude blinders and was looking deeply at her. As I was backing out the store, she smiled gleefully and said, “Hey, it will be ONE YEAR in two days since breast cancer.”

“Your mom is recovering from breast cancer?”

“Nope, me.”

I was stunned I had clearly underestimated her age. I was equally stunned when she explained how she had to tell her two adopted young children about the cancer. I wondered about the merits of sitting two toddlers down to deliver such news. She then said, my daughter was 13 at the time and said, “Mom, you promised when you adopted us, you would never leave. You can’t die.” She stopped at that point and said, “My mom was given a diagnosis of 6 months when she had leukemia, she’s still alive and well today…and a dr. So, I guess it just must be good genes and our attitude, ya think?”

 This young woman was overflowing with gratitude at the blessings her life had brought her, yes, even the breast cancer. She viewed the cancer at another “shot” at a life she wanted…a life which included…rocks.

So, I challenged myself that tomorrow, I too will count her as a extra special blessing in my life. I will be filled with gratitude that my “important” work of finding the right fabric stabalizer didn’t keep me from being deeply impacted by this brave, happy, and delightful young woman.

I am sure there are more out there, take the blinders off…see if you find them

In the meantime,

blog on….

Beth

I remember the times when I was hermitting (hmmm, wonder if that’s a real word?) I figure there are “good” hermit times, and the “not so good hermit times.”

Chris Peterson, U Michigan , is teaching a wonderful telecourse on positive psychology through the Mentor Coach program. Frequently he states, “there are no happy hermits.” I pondered that statement, as did many of my classmates. Then he mentioned that extroverts score higher on happiness ratings than introverts AND, to top it off, in one study,when introverts were coached on extravert-like  behavior, they indeed reported higher levels of happiness. So….

Last night during my wonderful Happiness Boot Camp women’s group , this idea of “no happy hermits” was presented. Interesting responses came from my group of bright, intelligent and thoughtful women. If one is “peopled out” and does not have enough alone time, that alone time is indeed refreshing and refueling. Good point. Maybe that is an example of “okay self-care hermitting.” If, on the other hand, the retreat from the world, no real social connnections is based on a need to isolate to salve a wound, is that necessarily a “not okay” form of hermitting, or is that another okay form of self- care hermitting ? Or if one is avoidant, afraid of people, and essentially a-social PERHAPS those are the “no happy hermits.” I will, of course, leave out the yak farmers in Tibet, now are they INDEED happy hermits, the real deal???  Perhaps Professor Peterson could use THAT as a question on a pre doctoral exam ?

Following the death of my late husband, I spent a lot of time alone. Yes, I had been peopled out both at home and at work, but more importantly I was taking time to integrate the changes that occured in ME as a result of his sudden death. Thankfully, a friend directed me to the wonderful book, The Dark Night of the Soul by Thomas Moore. (side note: I haven’t learned to underline yet, in Word Press, forgive me)…and Moore does a wonderful job of the need to isolate, to regroup, to redefine following a transition. The transition may be a transition of empty-nest, divorce, illness, whatever….anytime we are redefining our Self whether by choice or by circumstance.

So, although, I agree we are people who need people, there are some times when pulling in and figuring all that “stuff” out may indeed be exactly what we need.

Challenge, be honest. If you are isolating, does the isolation feed your soul? Or, does the isolation build even a greater wall between you and your fellow beings?

Just some thoughts on this first day of November for me, and you, to ponder.

In the meantime, is “hermitting” a verb? Will check, gee, if I was a coffee barista, I might offer you .50 cents off on your non-fat-sugar-free-soy-latte-iced if you KNEW the answer to that question, but alas, I am not. However, if you post the correct answer, and send me back channel your address, I actually might send you a coupon for coffee at Starbuck’s. After all, that’s what we Pacific Northwest folks have to offer…

Beth

Interesting this new phenomenon of blogging, putting our information and experience out there..the goal, to help others.

Be advised, I do not put your real name. You submit a comment and then I read the comment, change your name ( random initials) and then the comment is posted. So, fear not, you identity is protected.

I would encourage you to post as often as you like. The comments I have received from others is how comforting it is to know other people have similar feelings.

So, feel free to blog…no one need know who you are…just that you, like the rest of us, have thoughts, feelings and experiences we can benefit from.

 Blog On

Last night I had the pleasure of spending an intimate evening with JT (James Taylor) at the Spokane Arena. Of course, I shared him with 7 or 8,000 other people, but I am convinced he was singing to me. All the tunes I grew up with, all the tunes which spoke of love and activism and of caring. What a night. The arena was filled with positive energy and good juju…

One favorite tune about love, and showering the people we love with love stayed with me long after the ride home. Knowing that love is an ever abundant commodity, meant to be dispersed liberally and freely. Love is not limited to a little bag…it is not limited to  discrete amounts. So, if I give love to one of my friends, my other friends  do not suffer. No, it’s like that generoisty of spirit is contagious. Stingy people need not apply.

As my girls were growing up, they often tired of JT on the music player in the car, cassette tapes, cds, whatever form…they got sick of JT. But, “Mom” got her way when traveling.  The girls got to listen to their music on the way to  an adventure, and Mom got to listen to her music coming home…usually because Mom was frazzled and worn out. Music to soothe the soul (no offense Cindy Lauper).

Last Thanksgiving, we had an all-girl Thanksgiving at Jess’s new home in Denver. Imagine the surprise experienced by Jess, Maggie and me when the offer of playing JT was greeted with a resounding “yes” even from the littlest sister, Lindsey. Shock and amazement. Had Lindsey joined the JT fan club….FINALLY?

Jess cranked up the music in the kitchen while food was being prepared. Happiness filled the room.

I glanced over at Linds as did the other girls. Linds looked pretty confused. Suddenly Lindsey announced, “Hey, that’s not Justin Timberlake…”

More serious stuff later.

Smooch…share the love.

Beth

One of our family favorite expressions is “I am the boss of myself.” The origin of the comment was when my youngest daughter learned the power of being in charge of her body and self (age 2 1/2) That sense of self empowerment has gotten us all far…and is reinforced by the notion that half of our emotional well-being is due to genetics, and 10 % is the result of life circumstances (economic status race, sex) then a full 40% is under individual control.

The role of HAPPINESS BOOT CAMP is to strengthen that 40% that is under our control. We may not be able to control 60%, but the 40% we are in control of we can make the most of.

In Positive Psychology Coaching (Biswas-Diener & Dean, 2007) they report that there are three areas that are both UNDER OUR PERSONAL CONTROL as well as CRUCIAL TO HAPPINESS, those three areas are:

1. Goals
2. Social relationships
3. Cognitive Habits

Looking at the book Happier (Tal Ben-Sharar), is certainly “grist” for the goal-setting mold.  I will digress, and get back to Sharar.

We are all familiar with the SMART method of goal setting.

Goals must be:

1. Specific

2. Measureable

3. Achieveable

4 Realistic

5. Timely

Stay tuned, because, I am going to introduce a new paradigm for GOAL SETTING which is great. If I wasn’t running off to do something this afternooon, I would post it now…stay tuned for tonight.

Start by keeping a daily chart of the things you do…is your day measured by HAVE TO’s, WANT TO’s, is there a balance. The goal of this next section will be to INCREASE HAPPINESS by INCREASING YOUR PLAN to incorporate activities which lead to RENEWAL…a great antidote to burnout.

More soon,

smoochers,

Beth

1. DJ Says:
   October 16th, 2007 at 1:54 pm Before the phoenix goes up in flames and turns to ashes, she has become tired, worn, and ready to start anew, with lessons already learned being embedded in her DNA. As a phoenix arises from the ashes, she becomes renewed, stronger, and more beautiful (inside and out) in the transition. She becomes ready to fly to new adventures. The phoenix can also use her tears to heal the wounds of slef and others. The metaphor of the phoenix is particularly apt.

 DJ, Thank you so much for your comment regarding the mythology of my symbol. Following Rob’s death, I knew I was “forever changed” and the process of rising from the ashes…reconstructing my “so called life” was one of pain and agony as well as joy and transformation.

I knew I could not remain in the ashes, I knew I had to soar and transform, and nothing captured that better than the Phoenix. I am going to include, thanks to your post, some more Phoenix stories under the Phoenix Symbol category. Interestigly, every ancient culture embraces some aspect of this image.

Naturally, I believing “I am the Center of the Universe”thought…what a unique concept the Phoenix was to use with grief, transformation and change. Then I saw Phoenix Images everywhere. One great book DON”T LET DEATH RUIN YOUR LIFE: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Happiness After the Death of A Loved One, by Jill Brooke describes the work of Dr Joanne Jozefowski’s THE PHOENIX PHENOMENON:

This is a great model, but is “clean” like Joan Didion’s book A Year of Magical Thinking. This Phoenix Phenomenon Model is an example to me of a Clean Grieving Process.  I, Beth, on the other hand believe that grief is messy, snotty and NOT AT ALL CLEAN, so my MESSY GRIEVER COMMENTS will be interjected here with MGC before them.

           1. Impact: The initial state in which we process the reality of the death while sustaing our physiological     needs like food, water and rest. MGC: I went from a size 12 to a size 6 and subsisted on McDonald’s hamburgers purchased while driving thru the drive thru at night when no one could seed me.

        2. Chaos: We develop order from the debris while needing outlets to express our emotions of grief. (MGC: order came later, outlets to express grief…wailing, writing, scouring the internet for resources for widows…cursing Rob for the bad things that happened as well as being grateful for the good.)Outlets…isolation, not a good thing, with the exception of my earth angels.)

3. Adaptation: We learn to adapt to life without the loved one and seek connections to others through support systems, other grievers, work , school or our house of worship, as well as developing new roles for ourselves (MGC this is a great HEALTHY concept, and certainly one to be strived for, however, for this Messy Griever, this was a hit and miss proposition. Certainly after the first year some of these adaptations occured, but for that first year whenever I walked into my church I would sob, my choice of adapted was to ISOLATE with a few compassionate friends. Getting out and about and adapting was later…much later, even though I was “helpfully” counseled by many to do so…easier said than done.

4. Equilibrium: We attain stability and blance in life and are able to consider self potential without our loved one. (MGC: yes, but after much time. I remember the delight I felt at being able to manage a flooded kitchen with the appropriate use of a wet vac without calling my “real life angel Dave and Cher” to rescue me yet again…)

5. Posttraumatic Growth: A resulting metamorphosis as the person emerges reshaped from the loss, developing more self-potential, greater spirituality, altruism, self awareness and appreciation for life. )MGC, I love this and this certainly has been the route I have been on. However, clean it has not been. I have left my traditional private practice to embark on a new avenue of coaching, have stretched myself beyond any limits I thought possible, and above all have not only a new appreciation for life, but a new respect for the preciousness of the present moment.

Although in my early 50’s when I became a widow, I was astonished to read in The Handbook of Bereavement that 50% of all women 65 and older have lost a spouse.

So, there are people all over at various stages of Phoenix Emergence…I still can feel the icy hot flames which engulfed me early on, and my hope and prayer is to companion others as they confront the challenge of loss, grief and transition.

Beth

“Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling”

Margaret Lee Runbeck

Loss and transition creates mourning. The process of managing grief and loss begins early enough in our lives. I remember the pain and anquish I experienced when Maggie, our beloved and rowdy beagle, mutilated my brand new Barbie doll. My devilish stepmother (stepmother number 1) threatened to take Maggie to the dog pound if I didn’t stop my crying…jeez quick lesson in emotional management…button up those feelings, or ELSE.

So, with each loss, big feelings emerge and one is left with a sense of how to manage and cope. For some of us distraction and avoidance is the order of the day. So, we may choose to “drink, smoke, eat, gamble, act out in self destructive ways” rather than approach head on the pain and agony of loss. Kubler Ross’s stages of grief (we could all quote them chapter and verse) are so engrained in our culture yet other templates of the process of grief/loss have been proposed and might “fit” more universally.

I know many people who believe they have done grief incorrectly if they don’t experience “anger”. Ummm, failed grief…go to the back of the room.

There are other excellent models of the grief process, my personal favorite is the work of Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D. , Seven Choices :Finding Daylight After Loss Has Shattered Your World. Essentially the  process involves moving  from the Old Normal to the New Normal. The transition may be due to death, change in jobs, change in family structure, change in our physical selves, but the transition needs to be acknowledged and negotiated. This is where positive psychology can provide us with tools to navigate the terrain of change.

What seems universal in the grieving/ transition process, the move from the Old Normal to New Normal is the utter state of confusion, chaos and imbalance that affects everyone. Losing keys, misplacing important documents, forgetting “things” is part of the grieving process. Too frequently, however, this disorientation is viewed pathologically instead of viewing those behaviors as indicative of a world gone “tilt.” Instead of  engaging the critical inner head chatter as we bumble our way through the chaos, what we need is a sense that all is “well and right”, not that we have to like it, but that we are responding in an appropriate manner to a major loss/transition.

What we expect from loss/transition/grief can set the guidance system as we negotiate the terrain. If one expects to be devastated, lost, and forever “ruined” that kind of thinking will create life and circumstances that will ensure that. If instead, we adopt a “gut it out” attitude and actively embrace the painful process of grieving a loss AND expecting that at the end of the working through process a transformation will occur then the loss has not been for naught.

In Chinese, the word CRISIS is composed of two characters. One character represents danger, and the other character represents opportunity.  The same is true of the grieving process, we get to set the tone and the path. The importance then becomes to transform the situation from one where we survive to one where we thrive.

Working through grief/loss/change…that’s the challenge. The tools provided by positive psychology can aid us in moving through the process because the greatest danger of all is to remain stuck and stagnate once the crisis has hit.

As Daniel Gilbert writes “the sentence” in his book Stumbling on Happiness, “the human being is the only animal that thinks about the future”…One group of researchers noted “Resilience is often the most commonly observed outcome trajectory following exposure to a potentially traumatic event.” In fact many survivors of major traumatic events suggest that their lives were enhanced by the experience.

So, what does this have to do with Happiness Boot Camp?

No, we can not avoid pain and tragedy. It is estimated that over half of the people in the US will experience a truama such as rape, physical assault, or natural disasters in their lifetimes, and only a small fraction will ever develop any post-traumatic (PTSD) pathology or require any professional assistance. (Gilbert 2006)

Since we are the ONLY animal that thinks about the future. Since we are guaranteed to experience grief/loss/transition why not build our arsenal of coping strategies from the work of positive psychololgy researchers ? Strategies which have been empirically tested, make good common Gramma Millie sense?

So, our first challenge during boot camp was identifying our Signature Strengths. Knowing, owning and working with what is our foundation is a crucial beginning as we begin this work.

Remember:

“Like swimming, riding, writing or playing golf, happiness can be learned” Boris Sokoloff

What Happy People Know and Do

1. Sense of well-being (SWB) is determined by POSITIVE THINKING HABITS

2. Sense of well-being and happiness is based on PHYSICAL HEALTH

3. Sense of well-being and happiness is rooted in attention and maintenance of PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.

So, tune in next time for some concrete “take it to the bank” strategies to boost well-being and happiness….

Blog on,

Beth