I am cranky. I have a cold…when I have a cold I act as if I have the plague…
But, tomorrow is ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE DAYS of the year. It’s a day to dream, to foreward think, to visualize what the next year will be like.
So, tomorrow, I will get up and dream, and write, and perhaps even collage my ideal self for 2008. That includes, what does the ideal day look like? What components go into that ideal day…
So, for tonight, I will cuddle in, watch movies, “nurse my cold” and know that 2008 will be a grand year.
Yes, I have given up resolutions…I have been studying “goal setting” and hae lots of goodies to share…
Oh, yeah, the last teleconference with Robert Emmons, THANKS, was fascinating. Can’t wait to share a bit of this and that…
What do you need to add to your New Year? How will you add it?
Smart
Specific
Measureable
Attainable
Realistic
Timely…
Until tomorrow….or, see you next year.
Smoochers
Beth
Mark Twain is attributed as saying ” the only thing that likes change is a wet baby.” (I for one saw it on a bumper sticker years ago and have never forgotten it.)
With every change comes a transition, moving from one phase, state, or condition to another. We spend our lives in transitions, and too often, those transitions are met with a myriad of emotions. Too often we think we need to negotiate those transitions on our own.
Think of all the transitions you personally have moved through…pre school to elementary school…junior high to (gulp) high school. Being single to being partnered…being single and not being partnered…graduating from high school, getting a “real job”…having children, losing children. Being married, to not being married. Being married again, to being widowed. Moving into your dorm room, moving into your house. Having parents, being an orphan. Having a pet, losing a pet. Having ovaries, no longer having ovaries. Having friends to accompany you on that walk through, losing those friends along the way. Some stay with you, new friends come along.
Reflect back on how you managed each of these changes. What strengths did you uncover as you make that examination? Once again, look at your VIA Signature Strengths, if you haven’t taken this assessment go to www.authentichappiness.com and take this assessment (it’s free). The key to pulling through this grief period may be to use those STRENGTHS to get you past the rough spots. Do that now.
Seems to me the holiday season brings out comparisons…comparisons to holidays gone past. Holidays when you were the child dealing with the magic of the holidays. Holidays when you were alone and defining your own way. Holidays when you were a drinker and now are sober. Holidays when you shared your children and sobbed like a baby when your children left. Holidays when the house was filled with people, holidays when you were the only one in your space.
You managed to negotiate each transition…you managed to make it through by calling on your strengths both external and internal.
Yes, it’s a time of review. Yes, it’s your narrative, your life story.
Can you change the narrative now? Can you re write your role in the drama? Can you assign new and different meanings to what is happening?
Life is a series of transitions of moving from state to state, from phase to phase, learning to celebrate each new phase and mourn the loss of the old …it’s all part of the process.
For too many of us we get “stuck” in romanticizing the past…fearing the future.
Perhaps the “new normal” has new benefits,
Can you allow yourself to “go there”
Move on, forward, and through,
but, not alone….
In the midst of a transition or life challenge oftentimes it’s hard to think of the “upside”, in fact, at certain times, when people reminded me of the upside during certain “bad periods” I wanted to hit him or her “upside the head.”
Well, Robert Emmons, Ph.D., has written a remarkable book on the empirical evidence which supports the health benefits, psychological benefits, and in general the sense of well-being that comes from experiencing and expressing GRATITUDE. The book is THANKS:How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier.
So, as I sit here in my house with a kitchen drain clogged, wet towels all over the floor, empty bottles of drano, a used “snake” and a plugger, I am grateful that Mr. Rooter Rooter will be on his way at any moment. Am I grateful that the drain got clogged? Nope, but I am grateful that I have my wits about me, friends who have helped, and now, an “expert” who will come out at no extra “weekend charge” to unclog said drain…Bless you, Mr Rooter Rooter Man…(all the local plumbers operate only weekdays…extra charge on weekends)
Dr. Emmons describes 10 prescriptions for the benefits of gratitiude in his book. and now on the web site thanksbook.com, you can read some of his ideas…ideas which will give you
“hope.”
I have tried in the last few days to cut and paste these “gems” and I will try once again. If I fail, check out that website and read the prescriptions, that alone might lighten your load.
10 Prescriptions for Becoming More Thankful
(taken from the book Thanks by Robert Emmons. PhD)
1. Keep a Gratitude Journal - Establish a daily practice in which you remind yourself
of the gifts, grace, benefits, and good things you enjoy. Setting aside time on a daily
basis to recall moments of gratitude associated with ordinary events, your personal
attributes, or valued people in your life gives you the potential to interweave a
sustainable life theme of gratefulness.
2. Remember the Bad – To be grateful in your current state, it is helpful to remember
the hard times that you once experienced. When you remember how difficult life used to
be and how far you have come, you set up an explicit contrast in your mind, and this
contrast is fertile ground for gratefulness.
3. Ask Yourself Three Questions – Utilize the meditation technique known as
Naikan, which involves reflecting on three questions: “What have I received from __?”,
“What have I given to __?”, and “What troubles and difficulty have I caused?”
4. Learn Prayers of Gratitude – In many spiritual traditions, prayers of gratitude are
considered to be the most powerful form of prayer, because through these prayers
people recognize the ultimate source of all they are and all they will ever be.
5. Come to Your Senses – Through our senses - the ability to touch, see, smell, taste,
and hear – we gain an appreciation of what it means to be human and of what an
incredible miracle it is to be alive. Seen through the lens of gratitude, the human body is
not only a miraculous construction, but also a gift.
6. Use Visual Reminders – Because the two primary obstacles of gratefulness are
forgetfulness and a lack of mindful awareness, visual reminders can serve as cues to
trigger thoughts of gratitude. Often times, the best visual reminders are other people.
7. Make a Vow to Practice Gratitude – Research shows that making an oath to
perform a behavior increases the likelihood that the action will be executed. Therefore,
write your own gratitude vow, which could be as simple as “I vow to count my blessings
each day,” and post it somewhere where you will be reminded of it every day.
8. Watch your Language – Grateful people have a particular linguistic style that uses
the language of gifts, givers, blessings, blessed, fortune, fortunate, and abundance. In
gratitude, you should not focus on how inherently good you are, but rather on the
inherently good things that others have done on your behalf.
9. Go Through the Motions – If you go through grateful motions, the emotion of
gratitude should be triggered. Grateful motions include smiling, saying thank you, and
writing letters of gratitude.
10. Think Outside the Box – If you want to make the most out of opportunities to flex
your gratitude muscles, you must creatively look for new situations and circumstances in
which to feel grateful.
I had a post all ready and then this morning while trying to “tweek it” it got eaten…but, that is probably a blessing in disguise.
All through the day I have been cleaning, actually decorating the Christmas tree, and in general behaving as life is “normal.”
I have received a couple of posts from women who are so heartfelt, I refuse to publically post them, although in one sense, it might give others comfort to know that “you are not alone.”
Please, feel free to email me so we can talk. Although, I am shifting my life so that coaching is my livehood, I am so honored to talk to anyone through tough spots during this challenging season.
So, please, feel free to email me at beth@donotgrievealone.com and let’s talk….consider it my gift to you, and my repay to the universe to all who have given to me.
Remember, there is NO NEED to hold this challenge all alone…
Please call….
Beth
Just received an email from a special friend who is marking the third anniversary of her husband’s death. Double whammy, the “happy, happy, happy season” mixed with the loss of so many “happy seasons gone by.”
Taking ownership of our lives that have been transformed. How does one do that? How does one make new all the things, traditions that were once part and parcel to this time of year.
My late husband was a car fanatic…unpacking ornaments, seeing the twenty years of Hallmark cars, remembering the rituals that went along with decorating the tree, exchanging notes. Remembering the year he put a down coat in a wooden box and hammered it shut (because I am famous for peeking). The year there were no tags on the packages, only clues. The children went wild, who was this for? The year he decided to wear a red Santa hat every time he went out of the house starting on December 1st? The year of making Christmas calendars BEFORE there were computer programs to do so. The year of making not one but TWO barbie houses and painting them December 23rd. The year he accused me of decorating the house so gaudily (is that a word?)…that it could have been in East Los Angeles (where I grew up). Or, the year the girls and I changed the clocks forward so we could open presents at 6 am…when it was really 4 am. Or, the ritual of lighting the luminarios along our sidewalk Christmas Eve on the way to the candlelight service at church. Or the bunch of carrots he would get at the store so the reindeers and Santa would have food for their long journey…
The beauty about grief, is we always have the memories. Memories to warm our hearts when the pain the the lonliness feels almost too much to bear.
But, those seasons are past. This first Christmas starting new is a challenge. A real challenge…hmmmmm, wonder what kind of merriment I can create?
Ideas?
Beth
Tis the season to be jolly !
Who hasn’t experienced grief ? If there’s anyone out there reading this and who hasn’t experienced grief, please contact all of us.
When is grief most pronounced? For many of us the holidays bring out, upend, fast forward the holidays past.
The holidays that were perfect, the one’s not so perfect, the people who were there, the people who no longer there.
We are surrounded by visions of comfort and joy. Comfort and joy? What’s wrong with me?
Family members estranged, dreams not fulfilled, memories made, memories lost.
Grievers, in particular, are a unique group.
No more mention of the family member lost. No one mentions the dead husband. Why is that? Fearful that perhaps the widow may suddenly remember that she’s lost her life partner? The child taken away much too young, not mentioned, why dwell on the unpleasant?
The friends who were gathered for a couple of months following the death, are the same people who no longer call, visit, and if and when they do the clear expectation is for you to “snap to it.”
Tolerate grief or grief like behavior after one year, forgetaboutit? Many people have a short fuse with the grieving individual if , in the observer’s mind the grief has gone on(in their minds ) too long. But, for those who have experienced the intolerance of others , just wait, their turn will come…and as they say, “what comes around, goes around”
I read somewhere that by the age of 65, 50 % of married women will be widowed and that the average age of widows is 55 years old. So, as we look around we wonder, who will be next? How have they treated us? Were they tolerate, compassionate, inpatient? Can we rise above the intolerance from them, and show compassion, care and concern?
As a grieving person whether it be a few months or years, you can make an impact.
1. Remember, grief is brought to the forefront during this holiday time
2. Send the griever a card, make a call and share a memory of the person they lost. Let them know the lost one is still “alive” in your memory.
3. How about a special ritual ? A place setting at the table? A candle burning (safely)
4. A special sharing at the table?
5. A letter sent to your loved one with all you have to say?
6. A letter sent FROM your loved one about what they wish for you.
7. FINALLY, be a WISE VIEWER of the media? The commercials which depict families that seem all so perfect? The commercials/movies that portray life absent of pain? Be aware and skeptical of media messages that make you feel NOT OKAY…
At an early point in my grief, I called a woman who had been widowed, yet I had never met her. I called, she took me in, fed me a beautiful lunch, and said something I will never forget…”I’ve got your back, girl.” Every time I see her she says that to me. And, I believe her.
I do not want my late husband to die in vain. He was an organ donor, so I know three people are alive now who might not be because of Rob’s wonderful generosity. I do not want my husband to die in vain, by having me slowly die from the loss. Instead, I want to become my best self, I want to live a life that he would be proud of. I want to surround myself with people who feed me and who are fed by me. I want to spread my wings, live as a role model, break with the negative bonds, and attach to the positive ones.
My way of doing that is by doing this work. The work of reaching out to those who mourn, who grieve.
What would your loved one want?
What if you took the time to write a letter, imagine that letter is from your loved one who has passed. That letter is to YOU. That letter communicates what they would want and hope for your life.
I can’t imagine that the letter from my grandmother, mother, father, or late husband would say,
“Beth I want you to suffer. I want you to go about with a long face, know only pain, focus on the loss and essentially be a pain in the ass. “I know that for each of them, they would wish me to have love, share joy, go towards the light, spend time with people who love and are loving. Move beyond the past, treasure the present, and know that the cycle of life and death is normal.
So, tonight I write that letter. Perhaps, I will begin with Grandma Millie, for she certainly would recommend combing my hair, putting on some lipstick, and wearing a stylish dress this Christmas season.
Have an impact on those who grieve, for who knows when you will be in need of the same love and nurturing you are sharing now?
Blessings during what can be the most magical season of the year.
Transform yourself.
Beth
Widows Unite! Grief - Five Tips to Survive the Holidays
By Beth Waddel Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.
Yes, with effort and support we can survive this season...we may even THRIVE.
Blessings.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel
Ah, the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. All good sense seems to slip out the window. How many times have you seen fudge at a 4th of July picnic? How many times does hard alcohol fit into a dinner? Yep, it’s the season where there’s permission to drink, eat, and spend ourselves to death. What decisions have you made this year regarding your very-own-unique-addicitions?
1. Forwarned is forearmed: Know that the events you attend, or the one’s you host, might have substances that undermine your “resolutions.”
2. Eat before attending such events. Hunger can certainly undermine the best efforts in the world.
3. Bring your own “treats” : special waters, vegetable trays, “safe foods and drinks.” Believe me there will be people who are appreciative.
4. Remember the lecture we give children about “peer pressure.” Do your own thing, and if your thing is abstaining from sugar, alcohol, nicotine, DO IT !
5. Don’t delude yourself. It will not be easier to get back on tract January 1. Remember you are a puff away from a pack a day, a drink away from a drunk, and a few pieces of fudge away from that “holiday weight gain.” I always use the holidays as a way to challenge the “assumptions.” I will NOT give in to the pressures of the culture, I will not gain those typical 8 pounds, I will not allow the calendar to dictate my behavior.Challenge…maintain your resolve ! Think how holy you will feel January 1, 2008 !!
Stay brave
When I first decided to “do” this blog, I couldn’t decide between Happiness Boot Camp/ or Do Not Grieve Alone. Many thought that Do Not Grieve Alone would be depressing and all about
“just death”. Happiness Boot Camp sounded like a place we would sing “Kumbaya.”
The idea behind this moving from grief comes from positive psychology and the work of members of the helping profession who are aiding people to see strengths, capitalize on those strengths, and work with what you have.
So, grief comes in many forms…it’s about a loss, a change, our world shifts and we need to work to accomodate that change. Just for fun think about your life, what have you lost? What has been a change you have adapted to?
Quitting an addiction, losing or gaining weight, losing a loved one, losing a beloved pet, losing a job, losing a town, losing your “little children” as they become big people, losing your hair, losing your intact family….
Steps to Healing
1. Acknowledge the loss.
2. Reframe the loss: appreciate the benefits that may have come from that loss. Depending on the loss this comes at a much later date.
3. DO NOT ISOLATE find others who are in a similar position be it hospice, weight watchers,
parents without partners AA, Women for Sobriety. Research shows CLEARLY that as Barbra sings “we are people who need people.”
4. Take you time. You have a choice to go at your own pace. “Remember, people may “awfulize” your situation, but since you know your strenghts (VIA SIGNATURE STRENGTHS test on authentichappiness.com) figure out how to use your strengths creatively to cope with loss.
5.Speak the truth about your grief, share with others the way you have found to cope. Sharing benefits us all.
Blog on,
Beth
For fun today, I googled “blogs for widows.” Much to my chagrin, there wasn’t much available. Originally when starting this blog, I viewed it as a home for all persons in transition. But, as the holidays approach, I am really “tuned in” to those of us who have experienced loss…family, death, change in circumstances. But, out of my affinity and identification with widows, this blog is dedicated to the “widows” among us, but the reasons apply to all who have experienced loss.
Reason One: The media communicates that holidays are happy, happy, happy family times. Yes, they are happy, at times. But, often they are not. The media does a good job of making many of us feel like outsiders….so, getting a reality check from web groups is a great idea.
Reason Two: Holidays are a time of community. There are many forms of community and now with social networking communities exploding on the internet, why not explore those communities?
Reason Three: Reframing our own lives is best done by listening to other people’s stories. We can step back, compare our situation by thinking about “others” and the challenges they face.
Reason Four: Get your mind off your troubles and realize that instead of doing belly button contemplation, you might be able to offer solace to someone less fortunate then you.
Reason Five: Holidays are meant to be enjoyed…oftentimes blogs offer suggestions and helpful hints that can boost your own creativity.
blog on….and share with all of us what you have discovered….
Beth