My oldest daughter loved to paraphrase Nietzche when “bad things” happened” …”well, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.”
I HATED that quote (still do, sorta).
In The How of Happiness, Lyubomirsky introduces the notion of Post Traumatic Growth. Neat concept.
We are all familiar with Post Traumatic Stress, but think about the “hope” the notion of Post Traumatic Growth conveys…so perhaps, old Nietzche was right…we can transform trauma into something that is beneficial…another phrase I dislike is making lemonade from lemons, but that’s just me, right? The idea is the same, take what we are served…and transform it/ transform ourselves.
So, the model is based on the notion the our Level of Functioning following a Life Challenge can change over time. At first we work just to SURVIVE: get up, manage our feelings, and do what is necessary, but with a great sense of loss . The next phase is RECOVERY doing what needs to be done and over time we return to our original level of functioning. Finally, THRIVING, where not only do we return to our original level of functioning, but indeed, we move beyond that. In the face of trauma we can TRANSFORMS. We can surpass our original level of functioning.
Like the Phoenix, we rise above the ashes of despair.
Please know that this process is not FAST. This is a process which takes as long as it takes.
Too, often people have ONE YEAR as the magic number…one year following divorce, loss of job, death…so, after one year if we are not transformed we wonder….WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME ! I remember talking to my coach frustrated that my process wasn’t faster. What am I doing wrong? She would be a voice of reality reminding me how much has happened, and what a short time had passed.
The important piece in all of this is that trauma, tragedy is not a “death sentence”, but that choice is up to us. We can either go down and stay down for the count, or we can work to find some “pearl” in the loss.
I have many people say to me, I want to be of service to other people who go through something like this, I want to make a contribution, make sense out of what has happened to me. I want someone to benefit from the loss I have experienced. I want to companion them as they go through this process.
Ah, so much hope…
Beth
Today ABC news reported that the “happiness curve” is like a smile, with age 44 being ” the old age of youth and 50 the youth of old age” (Victor Hugo.) and that happiness increases after 44.
According to the reseach conducted by Andrew Oswald at the University of Warwick in England along with a colleague in the US, they examined research on the levels of happiness and depression in over 80 countries.
The conclusion? Happiness resembles a U shaped curve (like a smile) and that as we age perhaps accepting life on life’s terms we seem to become happier.
Now, on one of my list servs the chatter is quite frantic. How can that be? Did they look at people who were divorced, widowed, in ill health? I secretly suspect these posters are approaching their 40’s and quite frankly are a little freaked out at the notion.
My best guess is that as we get older and experience life our perspective changes. The slings and arrows that “got” us at 20 now don’t seem quite so devastating.
I know that my late father-in-law was able to take things that devastated me when I was 30 in great strides at 80. Perhaps wisdom does count…perhaps having survived the unsurvivable (or so we thought) does build that resilient “muscle.”
I was recently in a group of 50ish women and one woman was talking about losing her job. She remarked, well, the worse has happened to me, I lost my child. I certainly can cope with losing a job.
Interesting perspective…something to take hold of and perhaps a way to look at the seasoned part of life with a U shaped grin…
Smooch
Beth
“Obstacles cannot crush me.Every obstacle yeilds to stern resolve. He who is fixed to
a star does not change his mind” Leonardo DaVinci
“Obstacles are the frightening things you see when you take your eyes off your goal” Henry Ford
It’s a winter wonderland here. We have lots of snow and the roads are challenging to navigate. Kind of like transition time….the temptation is to “hole up” until the spring thaw, allow the obstacles of crazy drivers, slippery roads, and all sorts of external hassles to create an barrier to whatever path we are on.
As you go through transitions what is your personal style? Is it one where the externals all need to line up without any boulders in the road? Or, will you plow through, perhaps reach out for help? Or do you just bull your way thru on your on, no help, puhleaze…
I have decided that the snow is here to stay. I remember the delight my young daughters took in snow days…making snow angels…snow people…snow ball fights….melting snow…
Having grown up in Southern California I dreamed of one day PLEASE let the snow fall on my front yard, shoot, I got roller skates for Christmas and was able to use them that day…
So, just for today, my experiment is to approach the world, the challanges, the externals with the eyes of a child. Open for adventure, not accepting the blocks, but being creative in making my world full and free.
Blessings.
Remember when you went from junior high school to high school? I do. I wore the wrong skirt.
Well, since this blog is all about transition and the grief that can accompany transition, today is a day for me to have the crankies over going a new “school”.
That school being, the cyber school, the world of blogging, I am learning about the right skirts…or shoes…or whatever.
Remember in kindergarten when you held hands, ate graham crackers, and shared licks off of your ice cream cone?
Well, I am learning who to share those wonderful crackers with, and I am learning that sometimes people take your crackers and say, “no, those are my crackers.” And, you and I both know darn good and well they are YOUR CRACKERS.
The transition from working in a traditional office to a home based office is a challenge. Yes, I can wear bunny slippers, sweats, and no make-up, a blessing for sure. But, the downside is, of course, there is no one there to share stupid jokes with, or gossip about the latest news, or distract yourself by getting that extra cup of coffee.
So, the avoid the blogger crankies I need to set some goals….goal setting during the grief of transition is the path to satisfaction and well being.
My New Life Plan:
(Aside)
I have a great pie chart with all these elements, but my skill set isn’t there yet…stay tuned.
ELEMENTS OF A BALANCED LIFE:
PSYHCOLOGICAL WELL BEING
SPIRITUAL WELL BEING
SOCIAL WELL BEING
PHYSICAL WELL BEING
FINANCIAL WELL BEING
PROFESSIONAL WELL BEING
MENTAL WELL BEING
CREATIVE WELL BEING
So no matter what kind of transition we are in: divorce, jop change, a move, we need to insure that the TRANSITION doesn’t throw us off completely, so we neglect the very elements of a good life.
It’s been too easy for me to focus on my cyber life and leave too many of the important elements of my life to go to seed.
So the challenge now is
BALANCE !
Blog On !
Overthinking….head chatter, the “gremlin”, the enemy in your head. We all know what that overthinking is like, we have all experienced, we all have different methods of managing that negative head chatter.
Albert Ellis, the developer of , Rational emotive behavior therapy, focused his work on DISPUTING those negative statements. His method is the ABCDE method of dealing with negative thinking
You made the decision to join a weight loss program, but last night you ate a pint of double fudge ice cream…..
A: Activating Event Something occurs which sets the head chatter in motion.
You have been loyal to your weight loss program. Last night you ate a pint of double fudge ice cream.
B: Beliefs What beliefs get activated by the event?
“I am a pig. I will never lose this weight. EVER. Soon I will weight 300 lbs.
C: Consequences What feelings result from the beliefs which have been activated by the events?
sadness, shame, disappointment, discourgement
D: Dispute:(Get your attorney hat on) Challenge the Head Chatter, Challenge the Gremlin. Put your Gremlin/Head Chatterer on the witness stand.
“Will eating a pint of ice cream on one evening destroy your weight loss plan?
“Are you really a pig?”
“Will you never, ever lose weight? You have lost weight in the past even if you did have ice cream occasionally. You have been successful using this program before.”
“Will eating the ice cream really increase your weight to 300 lbs. When have you ever weighed 300 lbs.”
E: Effect What are the feelings that result from disputing your head chatter, negative thoughts, or the gremlin? Ask the Gremlin to step down from the witness stand. Call to the stand your Adult, Nurturing Self (ANS) Ask the Nurturing Self to respond to the event which occured last night.
“I have been following the program and eating appropriately for over a month. Yesterday I did not eat lunch or dinner. I let myself go for too many hours without refueling. I also drove by my favorite ice cream place and bought the ice cream. I guess I could havde gotten a cone, instead of a pint. I also will make a committment to follow my program, keep track of my points. This program has been a great success for me in the past. I know where I went off track, and I know how to get back on track. If anything, this episode taught me what I need to do to stay safe and on track.
Again the key is to realize a THOUGHT is not a FACT. If it’s a thought we need not treat it or respond to it as if it is fact…instead our job is to challenge any kind of thought which promotes a negative sense of self, discouragement about our actions, or leads to negative behaviors.
Shut off that head chatter….and move forward
Blog On…
What’s wrong with me? Why am I so unhappy? Why did she look at me that way? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? What will happen if….
Mental scripts of a woman’s mind? Rolling negative thoughts, feelings, and perceptions can be an indicator that OVERTHINKING is at work. The downside to overthinking, addictions. Why? Addictions serve to medicate those kind of thoughts…positive addictions like running, yoga, sewing do the same thing…shut those thoughts OFF.
Unfortunately, positive or healthy addictions take time and energy. The harmful addictions shut things down or off, BUT, with the effort it takes to down a drink, inhale a quart of ice cream, or smoke a pack of cigarettes the appeal is compelling. All it takes is the money, or a friend, to obtain the substance and then, well, then the deed is done.
The pleasure I reap from being with women friends is enormous, the distress I experience at the harshness with which women deal with themselves is palpable. When I am with a group of talented, beautiful, bright women and I hear how they talk to themselves I have to step back. I realize that the overthinking and intense self scrutiny borders on cruel and abusive.
Eating, Drinking, Overthinking: The Toxic Triangle of Food, Alcohol, and Depression and How Women Can Break Free (Susan Nolen-Hoeksema) and The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lybubomirsky deal with this concept of women as overthinkers and the way the overthinking is hurtful, harmful and lead to negative behaviors as well as contributing to low self worth, self doubt, and a self view that can be paralyzing.
For many women overthinking has been part of our socialization. We spend time with our girlfriends “replaying” what was said, done, and the “what do you think it means?” phenomenon. Interestingly, as we mature, we continue that same intense “self examination” that frequently takes the form of “what’s wrong with me?” The research seems to conclude that rather than giving us “insight” that kind of continuous “negative self examination” instead leads to pessimistic thinking, self loathing and in general lowers our view of ourselves, which in turn, can create the need to self-medicate. Too often that self medication perpetuates the negative cycle rather than helping us break free of the self loathing…
Alcohol serves to shut off that “critical voice” in our head…, which is why too often women end up doing and saying things they would never do or say sober. Carbohydrates certainly create a chemical shift, that in turn changes our mood TEMPORARILY, but the change upward is seen on the scale. And, certainly, cigarettes, give the momentary sense of reward, but again the negative effects are experienced which leads to “I am a puff away from a pack a day.”
The consequences to the self medication are fleeting relief but in the long term lead to grief.
There are many ways to work with overthinking, but all those ways require us to realize that the relentless pursuit of self examination, analysis of ourselves in the world may not necessarily lead to greater well-being, but may instead serve to promote self hatred which is intensified by our attempts to take care of ourselves through unhealthy addictive behaviors…
So, just for today, when the overthinking is about our shortcomings, or puts a negative spin on our sense of ourselves, what would happen if we instead distracted ourselves and did something that made us know what terrific women we really are ? If we pursued “addictions” that fed our souls rather than those addictions that rob us of our health and well being?
Revolutionary thought , isn’t it?
Revolt, women, revolt.
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Beth is establishing her coaching practice, The Phoenix Rises Coaching, to aid women in mangaging transitions, grief, addictions, and life challenges. Contact Beth through http://donotgrievealone.com to find out about her coaching services. Also, while there, sign up for Beth’s newsletter, Happiness Boot Camp, and receive a complimentary c.d. “Letting Go of Loss.” Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel |
Great new book on the market by Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want !!!
The psychological community has been waiting for this treasure to “come out” and wow, we have not been let down.
The BEST NEWS is that she has integrated research and theory so it’s not one of the touchy feely, cliche filled “happy books.” Indeed she has done a stellar job of presenting the research and empirical evidence to back up all the concepts she presents. So, even though Grandma Millie would agree with her findings, Dr. Lyubomirsky, presents the evidence so even the grumpiest of people will find it difficult to argue with the statement that HAPPINESS CAN BE ACHIEVED BY SKILLS AND HARD WORK….
The good news….
If we view happiness as a pie….(see the movie Waitress…thinking of pies) you will see that 50% of our happiness is determined by our genes ( happiness set point), 10 % by life circumstances, but the GOOD NEWS is that 40% is determined by our INTENTIONAL ACTIONS !
So, we CAN change our thoughts, behaviors and INCREASE (or as so many do, DECREASE) our happiness….by managing our daily behaviors and thoughts.
So, here we go…rather then focus on what we can’t control, we can focus on what we can control that blessed 40 %.
Too often we focus on the 10 % Life Circumstances ( eg being widowed, divorced, empty nested, rich, poor, challenged in some way) as if those life circumstances really DETERMINE whether or not we are happy. Instead, as numerous research studies convincingly points out, shifting the focus to how we construct our daily activites….thoughts, feelings, and behaviors… we can REALLY have CONTROL and IMPACT on our subjective sense of happiness and well-being, which in turn will improve not only our quality of life, but additionally the quality of our relationships as well.
This will work even with the genetically challenged, or those folks whose set point for happiness is low…we all know the folks who are “gloom and doom” in the face of even a “fun” life experience. Surely, those folks will have to work harder at developing their happiness muscle (that 40%)…but the good news is…it is possible.
Challenge One: Happiness Strategy One GRATITUDE : How have you expressed GRATITUDE for the blessings in your life? Have you even turned the light on those fortunes, or is your lens set permanently on “poor me”, scarcity rather than abundance, or “life sucks” ? If that’s the case, do yourself a favor for today…think about all you have to be grateful for, you will be glad you did. And, better yet, buy THIS book and DO THE WORK she so beautifully outlines in the book.
Blog on,
Beth
Please contact me if you are interested in a complimentary audio c.d, Letting Go of Loss.
This is an offer I am making to new subscribers to my newsletter, Happiness Boot Camp, but I want to make sure that my “gift” is available to all my blog readers.
So, if you are interested, please register for my newsletter and include your snail mail address…
Promise I will not sell, post….or better yet, come visit you (unless invited)
Writing, producing, and mailing this c.d will be yet one more adventure for all of us who
refuse to grieve alone….
Blog on,
Beth
PS The c.d will not include me singing, but instead I will walk you through a guided imagery exercise designed to be another tool to accompany you as you travel through your transition.
Suspect that title was a cheap shot, but well, I am a bit feisty now that the season of the “cold” is over.
Been reading some fascinating research coming out of Florida State University by Dr. Roy Baumeister on Self Regulation…ie managing what seems unmanageable…ie those nasty habits that seem to control us: overeating, over thinking, overspending, overdrinking….
Well, the key to that research seems to be that we all need to build some MUSCLE around those self regulatory behaviors, and as we all know, building muscle takes time, focus, and persistence.
The key to the research seems to be the notion of DEPLETION. When the muscle tires, or gets depleted, we go back to our old ways…and feel like we have failed.
Seems to me all we need to do is
1) recognize change is a challenge
2) change is less likely to occur when we are depleted
3) what are our sources of “well filling”
4) what steps can we take to both build muscles and resources?
The research is fascinating and gives hope to all of us who think instead it is a failure of willpower or character. Instead, let’s view change as muscle building. After the first few reps at the gym we feel fatigue, but we know that when we rest and go back, lo and behold, we are able to do more reps….Muscle grows by being broken down and rebuilding and then being challenged yet once again.
So, if you are stopping smoking…YIPPPEEE…know that being gentle with yourself, building reserves, viewing that action as MASTERY and not DEPRIVATION will serve you well. Also know that our resolve is best in the early morning…why? I suspect because we are not DEPLETED with the challenges of life…
So, let’s collect some data here…how do you refill????
What do you do to prevent depletion?
This is a call for interaction ! The spammers have found me…YIKES…and the comments I get are from all sorts of “interesting sources”….so, whatdoyou thinK?
What has worked for you, to refill, not get depleted, and move forward to building the muscle of SELF REGULATION???
Blog on,
Beth
How crazy was THAT suggestion? Yup, a friend suggest I submit my “profile” to an online dating service, you know the drill…well, if you don’t, it’s worth a try. I am so glad I did…even if there were some interesting complications before I met a Prince of a Man.
My first foray into the world of internet dating was a lark. What did I have to lose? Besides I had a bet going. ..a bet I couldn’t pass up. So, I spent some time, composed my profile, dug up a picture and posted my “profile.”
What an interesting group of men responded.
Tip Number ONE Never list the city where you REALLY live. You never know if you want to “the guy.” It becomes pretty clear at once what kind of men you are dealing with. So, if you list a larger city, he may be none the wiser, and there’s no way for him to track you down. There are lots of interesting characters on these sites:The one’s who are a “legend in their own minds”, the one’s who don’t know how to speil, the one’s who are so crude that they make you giggle behind the scene. You can sort out alot just from the “git go”.
TIP NUMBER TWO: Never believe the pictures. My first go around was with a man who presented himself as highly educated, he was, sensitive, he wasn’t, and in great physical shape…oh, don’t get me going. Yes, his picture was gorgeous….flowing silver fox hair, trim a and fit body, tuxedo, former college athlete, spiritual, sensitive…well, I didn’t have a coach so of course, i believed the photo and the “line.”…well, that picture was taken at a better time in his life…and his self description? Let’s say it must have been a twin in a past life. But, hey, I hadn’t “dated” in many, many years and this guy was smooth….I bit, took the line, but had the sense to bail out after a couple of months…
TIP NUMBER THREE: Find out how long they have belonged to the dating service. I found that serial on line daters are a genre unto themselves. Fear of commitment, ego strokes, narcissistic personalities…yup, they all can be lumped into that group. This particular person took great pride in meeting women and then humiliating them by saying they did not look at all like their pictures, I often wonder, did the women ever say the same thing to him?
TIP NUMBER FOUR: If you get the feeling that there’s bad “juju” in the air, trust it. Too many women make excuses about the character and quality of the man, but once they look back there were red flags all over the place. He specialized in talking about himself, if I happened to mention an interest of mine….there was silence until I finished, and then he begin talking once again about his favorite subject : HIM .
TIP NUMBER FIVE: If he can regale you with tales of his conquests, tales of how the longest relationship he ever had as a widower/divorcee was less than 6 months, run for the hills. And remember, the story will be all about how the woman was just “not up to his standards” ….He likes the challenge of conquest, but has no sense of staying power, commitment, or really having an authentic relationship.
The good news after that first debacle, I was encouraged by my best friend to try again. This time “the gold ring” A man who is brilliant, successful, not “full of himself”, truly good looking (even better then his picture…still had the same athletic build he had as a college athlete)….history of a long, healthy, and stable relationship. Interested in someone other than himself, and yes, a respect for women, the process, and dignity.
So, widows, never give up…just be smart…there is a life beyond widowhood…you just need to reach out, get help, and realize you might meet alot of frogs before you meet a prince….
Sometimes the frogs make the most entertaining stories…well, off to enjoy more time with my Prince.
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Beth has been a practicing psychologist for twenty years. Following the tragic death of her husband, she and her three daughters have refused to “give up or give in” and are all working on building lives that are rich, full and complete. Beth has left her work as a traditional psychologist and is establishing Phoenix Rises Coaching to aid people who are facing life challenges and want to learn how to grow by using positive psychology as a foundation (http://donotgrievealone.com). Beth’s coaching includes the ins and outs of internet dating…and things to go for and things to avoid. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel |
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