Do Not Grieve Alone.com

Great new book on the market by Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want !!!

The psychological community has been waiting for this treasure to “come out” and wow, we have not been let down.

The BEST NEWS is that she has integrated research and theory so it’s not one of the touchy feely, cliche filled “happy books.” Indeed she has done a stellar job of presenting the research and empirical evidence to back up all the concepts she presents. So, even though Grandma Millie would agree with her findings, Dr. Lyubomirsky, presents the evidence so even the grumpiest of people will find it difficult to argue with the statement that HAPPINESS CAN BE ACHIEVED BY SKILLS AND HARD WORK….

The good news….

If we view happiness as a pie….(see the movie Waitress…thinking of pies) you will see that 50% of our happiness is determined by our genes ( happiness set point), 10 % by life circumstances, but the GOOD NEWS is that 40% is determined by our INTENTIONAL ACTIONS !

So, we CAN change our thoughts, behaviors and INCREASE (or as so many do, DECREASE) our happiness….by managing our daily behaviors and thoughts.

So, here we go…rather then focus on what we can’t control, we can focus on what we can control that blessed 40 %.

Too often we focus on the 10 % Life Circumstances ( eg being widowed, divorced, empty nested, rich, poor, challenged in some way) as if those life circumstances really DETERMINE whether or not we are happy. Instead, as numerous research studies convincingly points out, shifting the focus to how we construct our daily activites….thoughts, feelings, and behaviors… we can REALLY have CONTROL and IMPACT on our subjective sense of happiness and well-being, which in turn will improve not only our quality of life, but additionally the quality of our relationships as well.

 This will work even with the genetically challenged, or those folks whose set point for happiness is low…we all know the folks who are “gloom and doom” in the face of even a “fun” life experience. Surely, those folks will have to work harder at developing their happiness muscle (that 40%)…but the good news is…it is possible.

Challenge One: Happiness Strategy One GRATITUDE : How have you expressed GRATITUDE for the blessings in your life? Have you even turned the light on those fortunes, or is your lens set permanently on “poor me”, scarcity rather than abundance, or “life sucks” ? If that’s the case, do yourself a favor for today…think about all you have to be grateful for, you will be glad you did. And, better yet, buy THIS book and DO THE WORK she so beautifully outlines in the book.

 Blog on,

Beth

I am cranky.  I have a cold…when I have a cold I act as if I have the plague…

But, tomorrow is ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE DAYS of the year. It’s a day to dream, to foreward think, to visualize what the next year will  be like.

So, tomorrow, I will get up and dream, and write, and perhaps even collage my ideal self for 2008. That includes, what does the ideal day look like? What components go into that ideal day…

So, for tonight, I will cuddle in, watch movies, “nurse my cold” and know that 2008 will be a grand year.

Yes, I have given up resolutions…I have been studying “goal setting” and hae lots of goodies to share…

 Oh, yeah, the last teleconference with Robert Emmons, THANKS, was fascinating. Can’t wait to share a bit of this and that…

What do you need to add to your New Year? How will you add it?

Smart

Specific

Measureable

Attainable

Realistic

Timely…

Until tomorrow….or, see you next year.

Smoochers

Beth

When I first decided to “do” this blog, I couldn’t decide between Happiness Boot Camp/ or Do Not Grieve Alone. Many thought that Do Not Grieve Alone would be depressing and all about
“just death”. Happiness Boot Camp sounded like a place we would sing “Kumbaya.”

The idea behind this moving from grief comes from positive psychology and the work of members of the helping profession who are aiding people to see strengths, capitalize on those strengths, and work with what you have.

So, grief comes in many forms…it’s about a loss, a change, our world shifts and we need to work to accomodate that change. Just for fun think about your life, what have you lost? What has been a change you have adapted to?

Quitting an addiction, losing or gaining weight, losing a loved one, losing a beloved pet, losing a job, losing a town, losing your “little children” as they become big people, losing your hair, losing your intact family….

Steps to Healing

1. Acknowledge the loss.

2. Reframe the loss: appreciate the benefits that may have come from that loss. Depending on the loss this comes at a much later date.

3. DO NOT ISOLATE find others who are in a similar position be it hospice, weight watchers,

parents without partners AA, Women for Sobriety. Research shows CLEARLY that as Barbra sings “we are people who need people.”

4. Take you time. You have a choice to go at your own pace. “Remember, people may “awfulize” your situation, but since you know your strenghts (VIA SIGNATURE STRENGTHS test on authentichappiness.com) figure out how to use your strengths creatively to cope with loss.

5.Speak the truth about your grief, share with others the way you have found to cope. Sharing benefits us all.

Blog on,

 Beth

I love my children, my oldest turning thirty in just a week or so. But, the challenges of being both parent and child can seem so overwhelming at times…the rewards, well, often in the distant future.

Now’s the time to talk about gratitude. Tis the season.

Last night in my Happiness Boot Camp we shared gratitude rituals, parenting behaviors, and how being a playful and “fun” parent is rewarding even in the presence of a young teen rolling her eyes at Mom’s ridiculous antics. But, when Mom’s antics come back around and the “child” does the same somewhat “foolish” behavior Mom is forever rewarded.

As my children were growing up, Thanksgiving was a time when they were “forced” to acknowledge what they were grateful for. I would put up a large sheet of white freezer paper and kids could color or write their blessings on that sheet of paper. Or, one year, a white board replaced the paper and I began requesting that their friends write about their blessings.

The annual Thanksgiving ritual was to go around the table and share what each of us was most grateful for. Oftentimes, they were grateful for their Cabbage Patch Dolls, Timmy and Jocelyn, or perhaps a new Miami Miss Bike, or the hamster they acquired. But, around the teen years the moaning and groaning  began at this ritual. But, to their credit and (my persistence), the ritual continued in spite of rolling eyes and sighs.

Last Thanksgiving was the second one we spent together following their Dad’s untimely death. My oldest daughter hosted a  beautiful dinner in her new home. She was “the boss of the dinner.” She and her sisters and their 20 something friends prepared the meal. I sat back so as not to interfere…they did a great job, but jokes flew around the chicken about the “anal” people who did EXCELL spreadsheets on Thanksgiving preparations.  So, as the day went on, and dinner was just a couple of hours late, the notion of an Excell Spreadsheet didn’t seem quite so ridiculous after all. I, to my credit, exhibited restraint…not one lecture on planning ahead and thawing the turkey perhaps a little sooner then Thanksgiving morning.

The moment of real glory came when my eldest daughter sat down at her beautifully set table and announced that we would go around the table and announce how our lives were blessed…

Yes, dear ones, what goes around, comes around.

Let gratitude abound.

Parents, take heart, your efforts will be repaid and replayed…

I have a wonderful role model who always challenges me with looking for the Divine everywhere, lest I miss the experience.

After attending the Greater Chicago Quilt Exposition last week, and taking two classes from Gloria Loughman, an accomplished quilter from Australia, my gratitude cup overflowed. Gloria exhibited three of the most important qualities of happiness : meaning, purpose, and in this setting ENGAGEMENT. Through two days of teaching she was thoroughly in the “flow” engaged with us in a way that was admirable. She guided, laughed, and was bemused by the foibles of me and the other earnest class “sweathogs”  and in turn her flow merged with ours.

So, after a long flight home and a day of recoup, I went in search for a certain product she recommended. It really WAS “a cold, dark, stormy  night” as I hurried into the local chain fabric store, as all the quilt shops were closed by then.

I had my gratitude blinders on. I was there on a mission and a rather irritating voice kept asking me ” do you need help, ma’am?” I wouldn’t even LOOK UP from the stack of stabilizers, instead I would say , nicely, “nope, doin’ fine.”

I then found a bonus…an iron I had been coveting was 40% OFF, I did the happy dance right there…and whooped, as I am prone to do. I found the right stablizer AND the iron. I happy danced all the way to the register. Yippee…look what I discovered?

The young woman said, “wait, something better yet…here’s a 10 % coupon off of EVERYTHING” ( The voice was familiar..I had been dismissive, yet she continued to be helpful)

My happy dance over my good fortune, prompted a discussion about school, kids, and life. She had formerly been an ICU nurse, but currently is going back to school to become a geologist. She relayed that her mom had been a nurse and at 40 went back to med school when a physician had tried to discourage her because she was “too old.” Grinning impishly, she asserted, “yup, my grandma was the same way, both my mom and grandma taught  me to be spunky.”

The items had been paid for, packed up, but I continued to be  enchanted by this special young woman. I had removed the gratitude blinders and was looking deeply at her. As I was backing out the store, she smiled gleefully and said, “Hey, it will be ONE YEAR in two days since breast cancer.”

“Your mom is recovering from breast cancer?”

“Nope, me.”

I was stunned I had clearly underestimated her age. I was equally stunned when she explained how she had to tell her two adopted young children about the cancer. I wondered about the merits of sitting two toddlers down to deliver such news. She then said, my daughter was 13 at the time and said, “Mom, you promised when you adopted us, you would never leave. You can’t die.” She stopped at that point and said, “My mom was given a diagnosis of 6 months when she had leukemia, she’s still alive and well today…and a dr. So, I guess it just must be good genes and our attitude, ya think?”

 This young woman was overflowing with gratitude at the blessings her life had brought her, yes, even the breast cancer. She viewed the cancer at another “shot” at a life she wanted…a life which included…rocks.

So, I challenged myself that tomorrow, I too will count her as a extra special blessing in my life. I will be filled with gratitude that my “important” work of finding the right fabric stabalizer didn’t keep me from being deeply impacted by this brave, happy, and delightful young woman.

I am sure there are more out there, take the blinders off…see if you find them

In the meantime,

blog on….

Beth

I remember the times when I was hermitting (hmmm, wonder if that’s a real word?) I figure there are “good” hermit times, and the “not so good hermit times.”

Chris Peterson, U Michigan , is teaching a wonderful telecourse on positive psychology through the Mentor Coach program. Frequently he states, “there are no happy hermits.” I pondered that statement, as did many of my classmates. Then he mentioned that extroverts score higher on happiness ratings than introverts AND, to top it off, in one study,when introverts were coached on extravert-like  behavior, they indeed reported higher levels of happiness. So….

Last night during my wonderful Happiness Boot Camp women’s group , this idea of “no happy hermits” was presented. Interesting responses came from my group of bright, intelligent and thoughtful women. If one is “peopled out” and does not have enough alone time, that alone time is indeed refreshing and refueling. Good point. Maybe that is an example of “okay self-care hermitting.” If, on the other hand, the retreat from the world, no real social connnections is based on a need to isolate to salve a wound, is that necessarily a “not okay” form of hermitting, or is that another okay form of self- care hermitting ? Or if one is avoidant, afraid of people, and essentially a-social PERHAPS those are the “no happy hermits.” I will, of course, leave out the yak farmers in Tibet, now are they INDEED happy hermits, the real deal???  Perhaps Professor Peterson could use THAT as a question on a pre doctoral exam ?

Following the death of my late husband, I spent a lot of time alone. Yes, I had been peopled out both at home and at work, but more importantly I was taking time to integrate the changes that occured in ME as a result of his sudden death. Thankfully, a friend directed me to the wonderful book, The Dark Night of the Soul by Thomas Moore. (side note: I haven’t learned to underline yet, in Word Press, forgive me)…and Moore does a wonderful job of the need to isolate, to regroup, to redefine following a transition. The transition may be a transition of empty-nest, divorce, illness, whatever….anytime we are redefining our Self whether by choice or by circumstance.

So, although, I agree we are people who need people, there are some times when pulling in and figuring all that “stuff” out may indeed be exactly what we need.

Challenge, be honest. If you are isolating, does the isolation feed your soul? Or, does the isolation build even a greater wall between you and your fellow beings?

Just some thoughts on this first day of November for me, and you, to ponder.

In the meantime, is “hermitting” a verb? Will check, gee, if I was a coffee barista, I might offer you .50 cents off on your non-fat-sugar-free-soy-latte-iced if you KNEW the answer to that question, but alas, I am not. However, if you post the correct answer, and send me back channel your address, I actually might send you a coupon for coffee at Starbuck’s. After all, that’s what we Pacific Northwest folks have to offer…

Beth

“Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling”

Margaret Lee Runbeck

Loss and transition creates mourning. The process of managing grief and loss begins early enough in our lives. I remember the pain and anquish I experienced when Maggie, our beloved and rowdy beagle, mutilated my brand new Barbie doll. My devilish stepmother (stepmother number 1) threatened to take Maggie to the dog pound if I didn’t stop my crying…jeez quick lesson in emotional management…button up those feelings, or ELSE.

So, with each loss, big feelings emerge and one is left with a sense of how to manage and cope. For some of us distraction and avoidance is the order of the day. So, we may choose to “drink, smoke, eat, gamble, act out in self destructive ways” rather than approach head on the pain and agony of loss. Kubler Ross’s stages of grief (we could all quote them chapter and verse) are so engrained in our culture yet other templates of the process of grief/loss have been proposed and might “fit” more universally.

I know many people who believe they have done grief incorrectly if they don’t experience “anger”. Ummm, failed grief…go to the back of the room.

There are other excellent models of the grief process, my personal favorite is the work of Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D. , Seven Choices :Finding Daylight After Loss Has Shattered Your World. Essentially the  process involves moving  from the Old Normal to the New Normal. The transition may be due to death, change in jobs, change in family structure, change in our physical selves, but the transition needs to be acknowledged and negotiated. This is where positive psychology can provide us with tools to navigate the terrain of change.

What seems universal in the grieving/ transition process, the move from the Old Normal to New Normal is the utter state of confusion, chaos and imbalance that affects everyone. Losing keys, misplacing important documents, forgetting “things” is part of the grieving process. Too frequently, however, this disorientation is viewed pathologically instead of viewing those behaviors as indicative of a world gone “tilt.” Instead of  engaging the critical inner head chatter as we bumble our way through the chaos, what we need is a sense that all is “well and right”, not that we have to like it, but that we are responding in an appropriate manner to a major loss/transition.

What we expect from loss/transition/grief can set the guidance system as we negotiate the terrain. If one expects to be devastated, lost, and forever “ruined” that kind of thinking will create life and circumstances that will ensure that. If instead, we adopt a “gut it out” attitude and actively embrace the painful process of grieving a loss AND expecting that at the end of the working through process a transformation will occur then the loss has not been for naught.

In Chinese, the word CRISIS is composed of two characters. One character represents danger, and the other character represents opportunity.  The same is true of the grieving process, we get to set the tone and the path. The importance then becomes to transform the situation from one where we survive to one where we thrive.

Working through grief/loss/change…that’s the challenge. The tools provided by positive psychology can aid us in moving through the process because the greatest danger of all is to remain stuck and stagnate once the crisis has hit.

As Daniel Gilbert writes “the sentence” in his book Stumbling on Happiness, “the human being is the only animal that thinks about the future”…One group of researchers noted “Resilience is often the most commonly observed outcome trajectory following exposure to a potentially traumatic event.” In fact many survivors of major traumatic events suggest that their lives were enhanced by the experience.

So, what does this have to do with Happiness Boot Camp?

No, we can not avoid pain and tragedy. It is estimated that over half of the people in the US will experience a truama such as rape, physical assault, or natural disasters in their lifetimes, and only a small fraction will ever develop any post-traumatic (PTSD) pathology or require any professional assistance. (Gilbert 2006)

Since we are the ONLY animal that thinks about the future. Since we are guaranteed to experience grief/loss/transition why not build our arsenal of coping strategies from the work of positive psychololgy researchers ? Strategies which have been empirically tested, make good common Gramma Millie sense?

So, our first challenge during boot camp was identifying our Signature Strengths. Knowing, owning and working with what is our foundation is a crucial beginning as we begin this work.

Remember:

“Like swimming, riding, writing or playing golf, happiness can be learned” Boris Sokoloff

What Happy People Know and Do

1. Sense of well-being (SWB) is determined by POSITIVE THINKING HABITS

2. Sense of well-being and happiness is based on PHYSICAL HEALTH

3. Sense of well-being and happiness is rooted in attention and maintenance of PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.

So, tune in next time for some concrete “take it to the bank” strategies to boost well-being and happiness….

Blog on,

Beth

At the root of happiness, well-being, resilience and living a satisfying life is the concept of “playing to your strengths.” Currently there are a couple of measures which address strengths, and the one I am suggesting people engage in is the Values in Action (VIA) Signature Strengths Test (site listed in resource section to the left.)

So often throughout our lives we can find ourselves in situations which don’t “feel” right. Of course, the first impulse is to question, “what’s wrong with me?” “how do I need to change to adapt to this setting?” We have all been coached and schooled in examining our “short comings” but rarely do we attend to and value those underlying strengths that make us uniquely us.

Humor and playfulness has been a strength of mine for years. However, I didn’t always view that as a strength because in certain settings it was viewed critically by my cohorts or peers. Once I excepted that I need to participate in relationships, settings, and communities where that strength was honored and valued, life became much easier.

An exercise I did when first reading about strengths was to create a collage of my top 5 strengths and I placed it in a key point in my house. I essentially began to honor and respect those top 5 strengths and when the world “tilted” I would question how my strengths might enter in to “save me.” As I became braver I looked at the virtues that were at the bottom…like so many of my favorite people, my all time low scoring virtue was “self regulation”. As has been suggested by Ben Dean, Phd and others, we can use our top strengths to “work with” our “weaknesses”.

So, if you haven’t taken the VIA yet, I hope this serves to encourage you to start examining what’s right with you instead of what’s wrong with you…

Lead with your muscle…

Beth

2007 GLOBAL WELL-BEING FORUM

Featuring the International Positive Psychology Summit & New Insights from the Gallup World Poll

Global well-being, happiness, resilience, optimism…imagine leading researchers from the world over have been gathered to report findings on how we as a people can live happier more satisfying lives ?

Overall, the one factor that seems to emerge as “critical” is our “connection to others” whether that be at work, at home, at play. The Connection Factor seems to trump even cigarette smoking as a health risk with isolation viewed as more threatening to health then other more “physical factors.” With the advent of technology, brain imaging techniques, researchers are able to document the “lighting up” of brain circuits when we engage in behaviors which are kind, altruistic, and based in connection to others.

Perhaps now is time to question, how connection oriented are your environments to your well-being? How do you contribute to the well-being of others?

Secondly, another variable of key importance to well- being is GOAL SETTING. The research suggests that goal setting provides people with structure, a sense of meaning and purpose.

So, Grandma Millie would say, “Let’s talk it over, and let’s think about what the plan is….” Or, let’s talk it over and make a plan.

Happiness is best viewed as a life which is meaningful, has purpose, and is “something” we can engage in…

Goal setting is next…

YIKES

I spent hours the other night investigating newsletters, blogs, websites related to positive psychology. As I turned out the light, I giggled. Wouldn’t Grandma Millie, my first aid station growing up, have a good laugh right about now? Positive Psychology, indeed…just good old common sense. (I had a heck of a time convincing her that the walk did not occur at the CBS studio in LA.)

Thinking of LS’s post and the wisdom of behavior in challening times, Millie would say, “go buy a new hat”, “fix yourself up” “slap a smile on your face” “call a friend” all things that the “research is certainly telling us is “healthy.”One of the most intriquing suggestions in Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar related to rituals. His course in happiness is one of the most popular courses being offered at Harvard now. His book Happier is filled with information that Grandma Millie would read and say, hmmmmm, but of course.

For most of us in the face of grief or transition, our healthy rituals are often abandoned. Instead, we stay in our jammies for days on end, eat food that is comforting to excess ( wheat thins and easy cheese), take the phone off the hook (in the old days), and park ourselves on a couch with endless hours of television viewing. Oops, too much self disclosure. All things that can be nurturing in certain situations, but when taken to excess, well,  feeling like slug bait does nothing to raise our happiness rating and instead seems to reinforce the misery we are experiencing.

The idea of creating RITUALS to cope with challening times is intriquing to me, and Grandma Millie would translate that into; get up, get dressed, put on your “face” and DO SOMETHING. Hmmm. Interesting idea. Positive rituals (behavior) leads to positive thoughts ( hmmm I still can fit into those jeans) which in turn lead to positive feelings (ah, I am not quite as blue.) Really, think about it…what does make you feel better?

So, what are the positive rituals you can work towards during those times of misery?

I remember a few days following the death of my husband I made few committments to myself, but my list did include: get out of bed, brush teeth, get dressed…that was it. That was alot. But, the alternative was unacceptable.

So, like Grandma would say, fix yourself up…

Reminds me on the science behind a “smile” Yes, physiologically cool things happen when we smile…both for us and for those who observe us. More on that “brain stuff” later.