Do Not Grieve Alone.com

What’s wrong with me? Why am I so unhappy? Why did she look at me that way? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? What will happen if….

Mental scripts of a woman’s mind? Rolling negative thoughts, feelings, and perceptions can be an indicator that OVERTHINKING is at work. The downside to overthinking, addictions.  Why? Addictions serve to medicate those kind of thoughts…positive addictions like running, yoga, sewing do the same thing…shut those thoughts OFF.

Unfortunately, positive or healthy addictions take time and energy. The harmful addictions shut things down or off, BUT, with the effort it takes to down a drink, inhale a quart of ice cream, or smoke a pack of cigarettes the appeal is compelling. All it takes is the money, or a friend, to obtain the substance and then, well, then the deed is done.

The pleasure I reap from being with women friends is enormous, the distress I experience at the harshness with which women deal with themselves is palpable. When I am with a group of talented, beautiful, bright women and I hear how they talk to themselves I have to step back. I realize that the overthinking and intense self scrutiny borders on cruel and abusive.

Eating, Drinking, Overthinking: The Toxic Triangle of Food, Alcohol, and Depression and How Women Can Break Free (Susan Nolen-Hoeksema) and The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lybubomirsky deal with this concept of women as overthinkers and the way the overthinking is hurtful, harmful and lead to negative behaviors as well as contributing to low self worth, self doubt, and a self view that can be paralyzing.

For many women overthinking has been part of our socialization. We spend time with our girlfriends “replaying” what was said, done, and the “what do you think it means?” phenomenon. Interestingly, as we mature, we continue that same intense “self examination” that frequently takes the form of “what’s wrong with me?” The research seems to conclude that rather than giving us “insight” that kind of continuous “negative self examination” instead leads to pessimistic thinking, self loathing and in general lowers our view of ourselves, which in turn, can create the need to self-medicate. Too often that self medication perpetuates the negative cycle rather than helping us break free of the self loathing…

Alcohol serves to shut off that “critical voice” in our head…, which is why too often women end up doing and saying things they would never do or say sober. Carbohydrates certainly create a chemical shift, that in turn changes our mood TEMPORARILY, but the change upward is seen on the scale. And, certainly, cigarettes, give the momentary sense of reward, but again the negative effects are experienced which leads to “I am a puff away from a pack a day.”

The consequences to the self medication are fleeting relief but in the long term lead to grief.

There are many ways to work with overthinking, but all those ways require us to realize that the relentless pursuit of self examination, analysis of ourselves in the world may not necessarily lead to greater well-being, but may instead serve to promote self hatred which is intensified by our attempts to take care of ourselves through unhealthy addictive behaviors…

So, just for today, when the overthinking is about our shortcomings, or puts a negative spin on our sense of ourselves, what would happen if we instead distracted ourselves and did something that made us know what terrific women we really are ? If we pursued “addictions” that fed our souls rather than those addictions that rob us of our health and well being?

Revolutionary thought , isn’t it?

Revolt, women, revolt.

Suspect that title was a cheap shot, but well, I am a bit feisty now that the season of the “cold” is over.

Been reading some fascinating research coming out of Florida State University by Dr. Roy Baumeister on Self Regulation…ie managing what seems unmanageable…ie those nasty habits that seem to control us: overeating, over thinking, overspending, overdrinking….

Well, the key to that research seems to be that we all need to build some MUSCLE around those self regulatory behaviors, and as we all know, building muscle takes time, focus, and persistence.

The key to the research seems to be the notion of DEPLETION. When the muscle tires, or gets depleted, we go back to our old ways…and feel like we have failed.

Seems to me all we need to do is

1) recognize change is a challenge

2) change is less likely to occur when we are depleted

3) what are our sources of “well filling”

4) what steps can we take to both build muscles and resources?

The research is fascinating and gives hope to all of us who think instead it is a failure of willpower or character. Instead, let’s view change as muscle building. After the first few reps at the gym we feel fatigue, but we know that when we rest and go back, lo and behold, we are able to do more reps….Muscle grows by being broken down and rebuilding and then being challenged yet once again.

So, if you are stopping smoking…YIPPPEEE…know that being gentle with yourself, building reserves, viewing that action as MASTERY and not DEPRIVATION will serve you well. Also know that our resolve is best in the early morning…why? I suspect because we are not DEPLETED with the challenges of life…

So, let’s collect some data here…how do you refill????

What do you do to prevent depletion?

 This is a call for interaction ! The spammers have found me…YIKES…and the comments I get are from all sorts of “interesting sources”….so, whatdoyou thinK?

What has worked for you, to refill, not get depleted, and move forward to building the muscle of SELF REGULATION???

Blog on,

Beth

Ah, the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. All good sense seems to slip out the window. How many times have you seen fudge at a 4th of July picnic? How many times does hard alcohol fit into a dinner? Yep, it’s the season where there’s permission to drink, eat, and spend ourselves to death. What decisions have you made this year regarding your very-own-unique-addicitions?

1. Forwarned is forearmed: Know that the events you attend, or the one’s you host, might have substances that undermine your “resolutions.”

2. Eat before attending such events. Hunger can certainly undermine the best efforts in the world.

3. Bring your own “treats” : special waters, vegetable trays, “safe foods and drinks.” Believe me there will be people who are appreciative.

4. Remember the lecture we give children about “peer pressure.” Do your own thing, and if your thing is abstaining from sugar, alcohol, nicotine, DO IT !

5. Don’t delude yourself. It will not be easier to get back on tract January 1. Remember you are a puff away from a pack a day, a drink away from a drunk, and a few pieces of fudge away from that “holiday weight gain.” I always use the holidays as a way to challenge the “assumptions.” I will NOT give in to the pressures of the culture, I will not gain those typical 8 pounds, I will not allow the calendar to dictate my behavior.Challenge…maintain your resolve ! Think how holy you will feel January 1, 2008 !!

Stay brave