“Obstacles cannot crush me.Every obstacle yeilds to stern resolve. He who is fixed to

 a star does not change his mind” Leonardo DaVinci

“Obstacles are the frightening things you see when you take your eyes off your goal” Henry Ford

It’s a winter wonderland here. We have lots of snow and the roads are challenging to navigate. Kind of like transition time….the temptation is to “hole up” until the spring thaw, allow the obstacles of crazy drivers, slippery roads, and all sorts of external hassles to create an barrier to whatever path we are on.

As you go through transitions what is your personal style? Is it one where the externals all need to line up without any boulders in the road? Or, will you plow through, perhaps reach out for help? Or do you just bull your way thru on your on, no help, puhleaze…

I have decided that the snow is here to stay. I remember the delight my young daughters took in snow days…making snow angels…snow people…snow ball fights….melting snow…

Having grown up in Southern California I dreamed of one day PLEASE let the snow fall on my front yard, shoot, I got roller skates for Christmas and was able to use them that day…

So, just for today, my experiment is to approach the world, the challanges, the externals with the eyes of a child. Open for adventure, not accepting the blocks, but being creative in making my world full and free.

Blessings.

Mark Twain is attributed as saying  ” the only thing that likes change is a wet baby.” (I for one saw it on a bumper sticker years ago and have never forgotten it.)

With every change comes a transition, moving from one phase, state, or condition to another. We spend our lives in transitions, and too often, those transitions are met with a myriad of emotions. Too often we think we need to negotiate those transitions on our own.

Think of all the transitions you personally have moved through…pre school to elementary school…junior high to (gulp) high school. Being single to being partnered…being single and not being partnered…graduating from high school, getting a “real job”…having children, losing children. Being married, to not being married.  Being married again, to being widowed. Moving into your dorm room, moving into your house. Having parents, being an orphan.  Having a pet, losing a pet. Having ovaries, no longer having ovaries. Having friends to accompany you on that walk through, losing those friends along the way. Some stay with you, new friends come along.

Reflect back on how you managed each of these changes.  What strengths did you uncover as you make that examination? Once again, look at your VIA Signature Strengths, if you haven’t taken this assessment go to www.authentichappiness.com and take this assessment (it’s free). The key to pulling through this grief period may be to use those STRENGTHS to get you past the rough spots. Do that now.

Seems to me the holiday season brings out comparisons…comparisons to holidays gone past. Holidays when you were the child dealing with the magic of the holidays. Holidays when you were alone and defining your own way. Holidays when you were a drinker and now are sober. Holidays when you shared your children and sobbed like a baby when your children left. Holidays when the house was filled with people, holidays when you were the only one in your space.

You managed to negotiate each transition…you managed to make it through by calling on your strengths both external and internal.

Yes, it’s a time of review. Yes, it’s your narrative, your life story.

Can you change the narrative now? Can you re write your role in the drama? Can you assign new and different meanings to what is happening?

Life is a series of transitions of moving from state to state, from phase to phase, learning to celebrate each new phase and mourn the loss of the old …it’s all part of the process.

For too many of us we get “stuck” in romanticizing the past…fearing the future.

Perhaps the “new normal” has new benefits,

Can you allow yourself to “go there”

Move on, forward, and through,

but, not alone….

Stories, we all have them, we all tell them.

Last night while at dinner with my family we shared family “tales.” Thanksgiving provides an opportunity for family to come from near and far, to reminesce about earlier Thanksgivings. The stories of me setting the candied yams on fire, kids wandering around with black olives on their fingers, the naming of the turkey  ritual…yes, stories.

We are learning more and more that the “story” we tell, the stories we tell individually or as a couple or family reveal a lot about us. Our stories AFFECT what we do, how we feel, and what direction our future will take.

There’s a folk tale that a grieving mother went to the Buddha and begged for Buddha to  bring back her dead child. The Buddha agreed to do that on one condition .She needed to bring a handful of dirt from a house that had never known grief and give the dirt to the Buddha. Her child would be brought back to life. The woman agreed and went out into the village.

She returned, empty handed. The moral of the story…of course, we all know grief. Too often when we are in the process of grieving ANY transition, a death of a role (empty  nest), a change in a relationship (divorce), or the death of a friend, we can become self absorbed, feel like life is “cosmically” picking on us. The story becomes one of victim (me) and persecutor (the cosmos). That’s a dangerous story to live and tell. That’s a story which will separate us from others. That’s a story which will cause us to engage in unhealthy decisions or behaviors.

What does your story tell, do you hold on to your grief? Does your grief define who you are? Do you lead with your grief?

Challenge: write the story of your life…you play the leading character…read your story. Did you place yourself in an empowering position ? Did you show yourself to be a victim?

Once you have examined your stance in life you can see where that story might need some tweeking. Claude Steiner wrote the  book Scripts People Live . The assumption is that our life can be viewed as a script. We have a plot line we follow, some of it consciously, some unconciously. The point of this exercise is to see “THE MOVIE YOU ARE LIVING”

Are you living the movie you want to live? What do you need to change to live the movie that has an ending that is appealing to you? What action can you take to fine tune the script of your life?

When plagued with a choice oftentimes I think, if I had to show my daughter’s a movie of my behavior, what would I like that movie to look like?

Happy editing !

Beth

One of our family favorite expressions is “I am the boss of myself.” The origin of the comment was when my youngest daughter learned the power of being in charge of her body and self (age 2 1/2) That sense of self empowerment has gotten us all far…and is reinforced by the notion that half of our emotional well-being is due to genetics, and 10 % is the result of life circumstances (economic status race, sex) then a full 40% is under individual control.

The role of HAPPINESS BOOT CAMP is to strengthen that 40% that is under our control. We may not be able to control 60%, but the 40% we are in control of we can make the most of.

In Positive Psychology Coaching (Biswas-Diener & Dean, 2007) they report that there are three areas that are both UNDER OUR PERSONAL CONTROL as well as CRUCIAL TO HAPPINESS, those three areas are:

1. Goals
2. Social relationships
3. Cognitive Habits

Looking at the book Happier (Tal Ben-Sharar), is certainly “grist” for the goal-setting mold.  I will digress, and get back to Sharar.

We are all familiar with the SMART method of goal setting.

Goals must be:

1. Specific

2. Measureable

3. Achieveable

4 Realistic

5. Timely

Stay tuned, because, I am going to introduce a new paradigm for GOAL SETTING which is great. If I wasn’t running off to do something this afternooon, I would post it now…stay tuned for tonight.

Start by keeping a daily chart of the things you do…is your day measured by HAVE TO’s, WANT TO’s, is there a balance. The goal of this next section will be to INCREASE HAPPINESS by INCREASING YOUR PLAN to incorporate activities which lead to RENEWAL…a great antidote to burnout.

More soon,

smoochers,

Beth