Do Not Grieve Alone.com

My oldest daughter loved to paraphrase Nietzche when “bad things” happened” …”well, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.”

I HATED that quote (still do, sorta).

In The How of Happiness, Lyubomirsky introduces the notion of Post Traumatic Growth. Neat concept.

We are all familiar with Post Traumatic Stress, but think about the “hope” the notion of Post Traumatic Growth conveys…so perhaps, old Nietzche was right…we can transform trauma into something that is beneficial…another phrase I dislike is making lemonade from lemons, but that’s just me, right? The idea is the same, take what we are served…and transform it/ transform ourselves.

So, the model is based on the notion the our Level of Functioning following a Life Challenge can change over time. At first we work just to SURVIVE: get up, manage our feelings, and do what is necessary, but with a great sense of loss . The next phase is RECOVERY doing what needs to be done and over time we return to our original level of functioning. Finally, THRIVING, where not only do we return to our  original level of functioning, but indeed, we move beyond that. In the face of trauma we can TRANSFORMS. We can surpass our original level of functioning.

Like the Phoenix, we rise above the ashes of despair.

Please know that this process is not FAST. This is a process which takes as long as it takes.

Too, often people have ONE YEAR as the magic number…one year following divorce, loss of job, death…so, after one year if we are not transformed we wonder….WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME ! I remember talking to my coach frustrated that my process wasn’t faster. What am I doing wrong? She would be a voice of reality reminding me how much has happened, and what a short time had passed.

The important piece in all of this is that trauma, tragedy is not a “death sentence”, but that choice is up to us. We can either go down and stay down for the count, or we can work to find some “pearl” in the loss.

I have many people say to me, I want to be of service to other people who go through something like this, I want to make a contribution, make sense out of what has happened to me. I want someone to benefit from the loss I have experienced. I want to companion them as they go through this process.

Ah, so much hope…

Beth

Today ABC news reported that the “happiness curve” is like a smile, with age 44 being ” the old age of youth and 50 the youth of old age” (Victor Hugo.) and that happiness increases after 44.

According to the reseach conducted by Andrew Oswald at the University of Warwick in England along with a colleague in the US, they examined research on the levels of happiness and depression in over 80 countries.

The conclusion? Happiness resembles a U shaped curve (like a smile) and that as we age perhaps accepting  life on life’s terms we seem to become happier.

Now, on one of my list servs the chatter is quite frantic. How can that be? Did they look at people who were divorced, widowed, in ill health? I secretly suspect these posters are approaching their 40’s and quite frankly are a little freaked out at the notion.

My best guess is that as we get older and experience life our perspective changes. The slings and arrows that “got” us at 20 now don’t seem quite so devastating.

I know that my late father-in-law was able to take things that devastated me when I was 30 in great strides at 80. Perhaps wisdom does count…perhaps having survived the unsurvivable (or so we thought) does build that resilient “muscle.”

I was recently in a group of  50ish women and one woman was talking about losing her job. She remarked, well, the worse has happened to me, I lost my child. I certainly can cope with losing a job.

Interesting perspective…something to take hold of and perhaps a way to look at the seasoned part of life with a U shaped grin…

Smooch

Beth

Overthinking….head chatter, the “gremlin”, the enemy in your head. We all know what that overthinking is like, we have all experienced, we all have different methods of managing that negative head chatter.

Albert Ellis, the developer of , Rational emotive behavior therapy, focused his work on DISPUTING those negative statements. His method is the ABCDE method of dealing with negative thinking

You made the decision to join a weight loss program, but last night you ate a pint of double fudge ice cream…..

A: Activating Event  Something occurs which sets the head chatter in motion.

You have been loyal to your weight loss program. Last night you ate a pint of double fudge ice cream.

B: Beliefs What beliefs get activated by the event?

“I am a pig. I will never lose this weight. EVER. Soon I will weight 300 lbs.

C: Consequences  What feelings result from the beliefs which have been activated by the events?

sadness, shame, disappointment, discourgement

 D: Dispute:(Get your attorney hat on) Challenge the Head Chatter, Challenge the Gremlin.  Put your Gremlin/Head Chatterer on the witness stand.

“Will eating a pint of ice cream on one evening destroy your weight loss plan?

“Are you really a pig?”

“Will you never, ever lose weight? You have lost weight in the past even if you did have ice cream occasionally. You have been successful using this program before.”

“Will eating the ice cream really increase your weight to 300 lbs. When have you ever weighed 300 lbs.”

E: Effect What are the feelings that result from disputing your head chatter, negative thoughts, or the gremlin? Ask the Gremlin to step down from the witness stand. Call to the stand your Adult, Nurturing Self  (ANS)  Ask the Nurturing Self to respond to the event which occured last night.

“I have been following the program and eating appropriately for over a month. Yesterday I did not eat lunch or dinner. I let myself go for too many hours without refueling. I also drove by my favorite ice cream place and bought the ice cream. I guess I could havde gotten a cone, instead of a pint. I also will make a committment to follow my program, keep track of my points. This program has been a great success for me in the past. I know where I went off track, and I know how to get back on track. If anything, this episode taught me what I need to do to stay safe and on track.

Again the key is to realize a THOUGHT is not a FACT. If it’s a thought we need not treat it or respond to it as if it is fact…instead our job is to challenge any kind of thought which promotes a negative sense of self, discouragement about our actions, or leads to negative behaviors.

Shut off that head chatter….and move forward

Blog On…