Do Not Grieve Alone.com

As I look back on my period of grief, I remember being incredibly upset with myself that after four months I wasn’t better. My grief continues even today, but in a much different form. Now it is an honoring of what was and a celebration of what is.

Yesterday I spent time with a new friend, a friend I became aquainted with because of our widow’s status. We sat, had tea, reviewed our lives since widowhood and looked at one another with love and curiosity.

Both of us are in solid relationships now, yet both of us marvel at the questions which seem to haunt us. Does the past ever go away, do old friends return, or are we destined to create and entirely new support community?  Either way, can’t someone tell us the rules? The rules which will enable the old friends to celebrate our new lives, or are we destined in the minds of our old friends to be “widowed forever” ?

As old friends do, we laughed at our inquiries, commenting that when we were newly widowed we wanted a “book on how to do it.” When do I take off the wedding ring? When do I date? When do my old friends call? That book is sorely needed and missed.

And now, as she and I have moved forward, our questions continue…when can we celebrate moving forward while honoring the past? When, if ever, will the friends who knew us before, celebrate our new lives ?

Shoot, there are no books for motherhood, widowhood, divorcehood (is that a word?)
We all do our best, stumbling in the dark…reaching out to those we trust…leaving some behind but discovering “new friends” anew.

Blessings to the old and new friends who care over tea.

To celebration,

Beth

Whew, a whirlwind time. Since January 2008 my life has been a series of wonderful adventures, but being way from home takes a toll.

I recall reading “somewhere” that when a person loses a spouse they lose “half” of their memory. Makes sense in so many ways because as a “team” you rely on the other to tend to certain things.

With loss and transition of any kind we lose a piece of our former selves (to be regained in other ways).

I remember following the death of our sweet dog I HATED doing yard work. For some reason I didn’t want to go outside and work . I realized slowly that part of working in the yard had to do with Neeko chasing tennis balls and then dropping them in any hole I dug…the yard-game would begin…Once realized and accepted the yard work didn’t seem so daunting.

The dis-ease we experience with transitions is normal..to be expected, but still challenging.

How to welcome the challenge? How to step up to the challenge?

Interesting article in Newsweek about the mistake of seeking “happiness” and rejecting normal sorrow. Positive psychology is NOT about rejecting sorrow, it is about creating circumstances (both internal and external) that increase a sense of well-being…and sometimes well-being is enhanced by having a good cry…managing whatever comes up at a given time.

There’s been a resurgence in attachment theory in the literature and clinical practice of psychology. The short version is that our sense of well-being is enhanced by having “secure attachments” Remember Harlow’s wire monkey-mommies? Hard to form an attachment to a wire “mommy”

Transitions always accompany a shift and change in attachment. And in many ways that loss of the “secure attachment” creates anxiety, feelings of being abandoned, and a general sense of loss. Oftentimes we don’t take the time to absorb and manage those changes or “losses” of attachment instead we question why we are feeling so out of sorts.

It has been almost seven months since I closed my clinical practice. Lots of loss associated with that. My clients’ whom I adored, my colleagues who brightened my world and challenged me,  my identity as a “psychologist.” Even though the change was predicated on the belief that I needed to move into a new and challenging career, there was loss.

I remember when both of my daughters were “launched” and left home. What a strange and challenging time for all of us. Here was mom laughing and  crying all at the same time. Delighted that my “girls” were venturing out into the “big world” while at the same time missing our Sunday night “beauty shop time”. Wanting them to do EXACTLY what they were doing, but at the same time feeling the emptiness that followed.

So, as I sit here typing away, still feeling the “stupids” from the airplane air, I think today I will be a kinder and gentler Beth. Give myself a break from the “shoulds” and the ought-to’s”…I will just “be here now” and know that is exactly where I am meant to be.

To my delight I got to experience a for real “Southern” memorial. We celebrated the life of a magnificient man who lived a full, challenging, and memorable life. Indeed we were celebrating a life well lived. Certainly not an “easy” life, but a life that was constructed by a dynamic man who turned strife into challenges, set backs into step forwards. A man who was loved and valued by many not because of what he did, but because of the gracious way he handled life’s challenges which would have brought most of us to our knees.

What was so uplifting to me was the social support. Pies, cakes, meat plates, chips all messages of love and concern were delivered to the family. I ate for the first time a multi layered caramel cake made famous by Miss Hattie. As each treat was delivered to the family the sense of love and compassion accompanied the delivery.

The family was not alone. In fact, we were surrounded by deviled eggs, chicken salad, cookies, fruit all gestures that communicated love and care when somehow words were just not quite enough.

What an amazing community ! People came through the reception line, people who had been friends since elementary school, people who grew up together, worked together, played together and mourned together. Continuity, community, and compassion.

I reflect on my own life as an urban girl. Growing up in Los Angeles where connections were random, autonomous, and fleeting. What a contrast to this community where people celebrating both the triumphs as well as the disappointments.

What an interesting reality check it would be to examine our own communities and see where we fall on the community support during times of challenge, celebration, or transition. I hear from so many, including many in my relatively small but impersonal community, that the isolation or lack of connection breeds  feelings of isolation and aloneness. Here at least it takes a tragedy to get the community mobilized, but once the tragedy has subsided the connection is broken.

There’s no need for us to live a life in isolation, but the apparent busyness of life gets in the way of stopping, listening, caring…and just saying “hey.”

blog on,

Beth

I have failed to accept the fact that I have a virus. Yup, a simple virus, I am sleeping more, a little more cranky, and well, just “not up to par.”

So, this a.m. when I got up (late) I turned on The View. The “ladies” were talking about the increase in suicide rates in women aged 45 to 55 .They speculated that the suicide rate may be increasing because of a lack of community. That we, baby boomers, are  living in isolation…If for whatever reason we have ended up “alone” ,the community no longer reaches out to the single person.

So, I checked the internet and indeed there are articles which suggest that “yes” there has been an increase in suicide in that age group….hmmmm…the article also gave the following suggestions or  danger “signs” to look for:

Drinking alone

Isolation

Loss of interest in normal activities.

I am on a personal mission…leaving my psychotherapy practice was the first “brave” move I made in this mission. Turning to Mentor Coach for training, and moving into life coaching has been my mission as a way to reach the folks who want to set goals, move forward, envision a wonderful future.

My group, Happiness Boot Camp, is an attempt to create community…and I plan on having many more Happiness Boot Camps, a place for people to join and share and “commune” and learn specific strategies to increase a sense of well being…

Late at night I wonder, “gee, have I done the right thing?” I am pretty much hanging out there alone (with the support of a select group of people) and I remember a dream I had in Yellowstone over 15 years ago.

I had a dream, the only dream I ‘heard’ a voice and that voice said, “Speak the truth”

So, I continue to speak the truth, the truth is…reach out…we need community…and we need to learn how to enhance our lives….

Do Not Go It Alone…

Beth
 

I have spent the last couple of weeks dealing with the impending death of a wonderful 89 year old man. I had the pleasure of spending time with him a week ago and even then the inevitable was close.

I remember just a year ago hearing his tales of WWII as a prisoner of war, and then, now,  watching him in his hospice bed, marveling at his graciousness. Remembering his tales of survival, bravery, and courage…yet, death is the one challenge that we all must meet and yield too…even the bravest of us. The solace: he will meet his beloved wives Edith and Betty and be reunited with his two daughters who were killed in a car accident while teens…that’s his reward…

Tonight we talked to him. We talked, he spoke in “sounds” not specific words. We knew he heard us, we couldn’t understand his words, but we knew he heard our lame “jokes”. The jokes that tickled us all when we visited last.

And then I think of Patti, what a wonderful daughter, one we should all wish for. The daughter who is there to hold his hand, feed him ice chips, and manage all the people who have his fate in their hands.

I have not been blogging much, as all the deaths I have been faced with are flooding me…that’s what grief does. No harm, no foul…death is death and every death creates a resurgence in us all…normal, no doubt.

So, I will be in and out…with various tales…

Keep on keeping on,

Beth

Why is it when we are going through grief and loss, mourning we either want to change everything, or keep everything “as it was.”

One of the major challenges of grief is knowing, what are the rules? Much like parenting, no one gave us the book ! Drat.

I know for me I wanted to take possession of my environment. There were so many reminders of my former life that with the aid of some very dear friends I started sifting through what was there. My stepbrother watched in amazement as I went through the closet.

He remarked, “My friend’s dad died five years ago, his mom hasn’t changed a thing. What are you doing?”

For me, the change was necessaray. I didn’t want to be confronted by physical memories in addition to all the heart and soul memories I had. I had to take control over the controllable….the 40 % referenced in The How of Happiness.

Somehow by taking action, small steps over what I had control over, gave me a sense of control, movement, and the feeling that although I could not have prevented the “loss” I could take steps that would combat the sense of hopelessness.

Robert Mauer, Ph.D, UCLA Medical School has authored

 The Kaizen Way: One Small Step Can Change Your Life

(This book was one of the take aways I received at the Winter Wellness/Positive Psychology forum in Sedona.)

Adopting this approach makes the notion of change not only possible, but probable. Much like the movie ,What About Bob ?, Mauer stresses making change in small ways rather than attempting to change everything all at once.

At one point many years ago I wanted to stop smoking, stop overeating, stop biting my nails. All at once. What was the probability for success…? (Pleased to report I have acccomplished all three, but NOT all at once)

Instead Mauer suggests the following baby steps….

• Ask small questions

• Think small thoughts

• Take small actions

• Solve small problems

In working with people confronting weight issues the goal is to lose in increments or “chunks”. The first goal is to lose 10 % of your body weight. Frequently, when presented with that a client would moan…ah, that’s not enough (translate too small a step). “I need to lose so much weight losing a pound or two pounds a week is not enough.”

It would not be unusual to have that person disappear, only to reappear having gained additional weight. Paradoxical, yes ? The person went to an extreme change method, and yes, it worked on the scale, but once he ate a baked potato he gained “five pounds.”
When we go through a transition we win and lose. Old friends fall away, new friends emerge. Whether the transition is divorce, job loss, a death in the family, the WHOLE system changes. Our challenge? Meeting the “new normal” on new normal terms.

Taking baby steps…so instead of confronting the “big picture” and wanting the change RIGHT NOW, we can take steps that are small, but consistent.

Let’s say that you have not returned to church because being there without your partner is too painful. Isolating is a real possibility, but instead taking baby steps to get there. Perhaps invite a friend to accompany you, decide to stay and leave following the sermon.

You are the Boss of Yourself and Your Change.

Grieving/Loss/Transition is all about Change.

Do it your way!

Remember old Chinese wisdom,

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

Check out The Kaizen Way, you will be glad you did.

Blog On 

Realizing over the past couple of weeks how challenging transitions are.

I remember one of you questioning the “new normal”, ah, what a comforting term, but so challenging to meet.

I remember the challenge of going through the transition from being a couple, to being a Mom and Dad. I remember the transition of being student to non student…wife to widow…transitions are all part of life…

Is there anyway to make the transitions less challenging???

Whew,

I have MISSED this process…can’t wait to fill you all in on the last two weeks. Had a wonderful time at the Winter Wellness/Positive Psychology Forum in Sedona, and then accompanied a friend to visit a dying parent…

Through all of these adventures I learned the power in patience, the willingness to go with the flow ( i.e. weather and delays)…and some more “bits” of life challenges.

Here’s to tomorrow…and more insights.

Glad to be back “home”…

Blogging, Beth

Today is a discouraging day…some days are like that. I have gotten feedback that my blog is too personal, not professional/distant enough.

Well, I can hear my deceased Mom, “tell them to go sit on a tack”….My deceased father would say something far more colorful….

When we lose something in our life and transition to our new reality, life seems so tenuous. I guess that’s where I am right now, transitioning into my New Life, missing my old life…and wondering…what’s this New Life to be like? Should I have followed my heart? Or, should I have stayed “safe” in my Old and Predictable Life?

In my Old Life of many years I had a clinical psychotherapy practice which was delightful. My colleagues and I practiced out of an old house that the two founders of the practice had remodeled. It felt cozy and non clinical, like us. Shortly before my late husband died, unnecessarily, he and I talked about my “pull” to positive psychology and coaching.  The positive nature, the hopefulness seemed much more in tune with who I was/ am.

The risk? Well, no longer would insurance companies help pay my salary. The advantage? living a life which feels whole, complete, congruent and ethical…and frightening !

However, now that I have left that behind and am pursing this new dream, this positive strength based coaching dream, life is so different. Grief, absolutely. A death of the old way of life. A death of knowing what a day would look like. A death of the known.

And of course, the advice and counsel of others who (I imagine) shake their heads and wonder why on earth is she doing this? Why take this leap, why leave a successful practice behind only to begin again?

So now instead of rushing to “dress”, grab coffee, zoom off to the office, delight in seeing my clients;  my world is quiet, peaceful (except of course for the chatter in my head)…Wow, that chatter is NEVER positive, the chatter is quite NEGATIVE and FEAR INDUCING.

I had a wonderful three hour conversation with my cousin yesterday…such a beautiful yet painful exchange. Going back to a time filled with grief and angst. Although the incident which caused such pain and turmoil happened 30 years ago, it was the first time she and I “grieved together.” What comfort in that.

Why did it take so long? We wanted to push the past aside? We didn’t want to “know” The family rule was “don’t talk !”

I keep wondering when will it be okay to trust in the world after loss? When will be able to trust one another and share the pain? the fear? the scare?

Once we lose something (and we all do) the world tilts, the world is not as we had known it…the world was not safe, the world was not something we could trust.

My dilemna is….how do we learn to share that fear? Are we able to reach out and support one another, or must we grieve through transitions on our own….

Okay, enough of that for now.

Smooch and blessings

Beth

YIPPPPEEEE, my sweet, talented, brilliant stepdaughter (soul daughter) and her sweet, talented brilliant man friend are getting married next spring.

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!