Archive for the 'For Widows Only' Category
How crazy was THAT suggestion? Yup, a friend suggest I submit my “profile” to an online dating service, you know the drill…well, if you don’t, it’s worth a try. I am so glad I did…even if there were some interesting complications before I met a Prince of a Man.
My first foray into the world of internet dating was a lark. What did I have to lose? Besides I had a bet going. ..a bet I couldn’t pass up. So, I spent some time, composed my profile, dug up a picture and posted my “profile.”
What an interesting group of men responded.
Tip Number ONE Never list the city where you REALLY live. You never know if you want to “the guy.” It becomes pretty clear at once what kind of men you are dealing with. So, if you list a larger city, he may be none the wiser, and there’s no way for him to track you down. There are lots of interesting characters on these sites:The one’s who are a “legend in their own minds”, the one’s who don’t know how to speil, the one’s who are so crude that they make you giggle behind the scene. You can sort out alot just from the “git go”.
TIP NUMBER TWO: Never believe the pictures. My first go around was with a man who presented himself as highly educated, he was, sensitive, he wasn’t, and in great physical shape…oh, don’t get me going. Yes, his picture was gorgeous….flowing silver fox hair, trim a and fit body, tuxedo, former college athlete, spiritual, sensitive…well, I didn’t have a coach so of course, i believed the photo and the “line.”…well, that picture was taken at a better time in his life…and his self description? Let’s say it must have been a twin in a past life. But, hey, I hadn’t “dated” in many, many years and this guy was smooth….I bit, took the line, but had the sense to bail out after a couple of months…
TIP NUMBER THREE: Find out how long they have belonged to the dating service. I found that serial on line daters are a genre unto themselves. Fear of commitment, ego strokes, narcissistic personalities…yup, they all can be lumped into that group. This particular person took great pride in meeting women and then humiliating them by saying they did not look at all like their pictures, I often wonder, did the women ever say the same thing to him?
TIP NUMBER FOUR: If you get the feeling that there’s bad “juju” in the air, trust it. Too many women make excuses about the character and quality of the man, but once they look back there were red flags all over the place. He specialized in talking about himself, if I happened to mention an interest of mine….there was silence until I finished, and then he begin talking once again about his favorite subject : HIM .
TIP NUMBER FIVE: If he can regale you with tales of his conquests, tales of how the longest relationship he ever had as a widower/divorcee was less than 6 months, run for the hills. And remember, the story will be all about how the woman was just “not up to his standards” ….He likes the challenge of conquest, but has no sense of staying power, commitment, or really having an authentic relationship.
The good news after that first debacle, I was encouraged by my best friend to try again. This time “the gold ring” A man who is brilliant, successful, not “full of himself”, truly good looking (even better then his picture…still had the same athletic build he had as a college athlete)….history of a long, healthy, and stable relationship. Interested in someone other than himself, and yes, a respect for women, the process, and dignity.
So, widows, never give up…just be smart…there is a life beyond widowhood…you just need to reach out, get help, and realize you might meet alot of frogs before you meet a prince….
Sometimes the frogs make the most entertaining stories…well, off to enjoy more time with my Prince.
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Beth has been a practicing psychologist for twenty years. Following the tragic death of her husband, she and her three daughters have refused to “give up or give in” and are all working on building lives that are rich, full and complete. Beth has left her work as a traditional psychologist and is establishing Phoenix Rises Coaching to aid people who are facing life challenges and want to learn how to grow by using positive psychology as a foundation (http://donotgrievealone.com). Beth’s coaching includes the ins and outs of internet dating…and things to go for and things to avoid. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel |
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Just received an email from a special friend who is marking the third anniversary of her husband’s death. Double whammy, the “happy, happy, happy season” mixed with the loss of so many “happy seasons gone by.”
Taking ownership of our lives that have been transformed. How does one do that? How does one make new all the things, traditions that were once part and parcel to this time of year.
My late husband was a car fanatic…unpacking ornaments, seeing the twenty years of Hallmark cars, remembering the rituals that went along with decorating the tree, exchanging notes. Remembering the year he put a down coat in a wooden box and hammered it shut (because I am famous for peeking). The year there were no tags on the packages, only clues. The children went wild, who was this for? The year he decided to wear a red Santa hat every time he went out of the house starting on December 1st? The year of making Christmas calendars BEFORE there were computer programs to do so. The year of making not one but TWO barbie houses and painting them December 23rd. The year he accused me of decorating the house so gaudily (is that a word?)…that it could have been in East Los Angeles (where I grew up). Or, the year the girls and I changed the clocks forward so we could open presents at 6 am…when it was really 4 am. Or, the ritual of lighting the luminarios along our sidewalk Christmas Eve on the way to the candlelight service at church. Or the bunch of carrots he would get at the store so the reindeers and Santa would have food for their long journey…
The beauty about grief, is we always have the memories. Memories to warm our hearts when the pain the the lonliness feels almost too much to bear.
But, those seasons are past. This first Christmas starting new is a challenge. A real challenge…hmmmmm, wonder what kind of merriment I can create?
Ideas?
Beth
Tis the season to be jolly !
Who hasn’t experienced grief ? If there’s anyone out there reading this and who hasn’t experienced grief, please contact all of us.
When is grief most pronounced? For many of us the holidays bring out, upend, fast forward the holidays past.
The holidays that were perfect, the one’s not so perfect, the people who were there, the people who no longer there.
We are surrounded by visions of comfort and joy. Comfort and joy? What’s wrong with me?
Family members estranged, dreams not fulfilled, memories made, memories lost.
Grievers, in particular, are a unique group.
No more mention of the family member lost. No one mentions the dead husband. Why is that? Fearful that perhaps the widow may suddenly remember that she’s lost her life partner? The child taken away much too young, not mentioned, why dwell on the unpleasant?
The friends who were gathered for a couple of months following the death, are the same people who no longer call, visit, and if and when they do the clear expectation is for you to “snap to it.”
Tolerate grief or grief like behavior after one year, forgetaboutit? Many people have a short fuse with the grieving individual if , in the observer’s mind the grief has gone on(in their minds ) too long. But, for those who have experienced the intolerance of others , just wait, their turn will come…and as they say, “what comes around, goes around”
I read somewhere that by the age of 65, 50 % of married women will be widowed and that the average age of widows is 55 years old. So, as we look around we wonder, who will be next? How have they treated us? Were they tolerate, compassionate, inpatient? Can we rise above the intolerance from them, and show compassion, care and concern?
As a grieving person whether it be a few months or years, you can make an impact.
1. Remember, grief is brought to the forefront during this holiday time
2. Send the griever a card, make a call and share a memory of the person they lost. Let them know the lost one is still “alive” in your memory.
3. How about a special ritual ? A place setting at the table? A candle burning (safely)
4. A special sharing at the table?
5. A letter sent to your loved one with all you have to say?
6. A letter sent FROM your loved one about what they wish for you.
7. FINALLY, be a WISE VIEWER of the media? The commercials which depict families that seem all so perfect? The commercials/movies that portray life absent of pain? Be aware and skeptical of media messages that make you feel NOT OKAY…
At an early point in my grief, I called a woman who had been widowed, yet I had never met her. I called, she took me in, fed me a beautiful lunch, and said something I will never forget…”I’ve got your back, girl.” Every time I see her she says that to me. And, I believe her.
I do not want my late husband to die in vain. He was an organ donor, so I know three people are alive now who might not be because of Rob’s wonderful generosity. I do not want my husband to die in vain, by having me slowly die from the loss. Instead, I want to become my best self, I want to live a life that he would be proud of. I want to surround myself with people who feed me and who are fed by me. I want to spread my wings, live as a role model, break with the negative bonds, and attach to the positive ones.
My way of doing that is by doing this work. The work of reaching out to those who mourn, who grieve.
What would your loved one want?
What if you took the time to write a letter, imagine that letter is from your loved one who has passed. That letter is to YOU. That letter communicates what they would want and hope for your life.
I can’t imagine that the letter from my grandmother, mother, father, or late husband would say,
“Beth I want you to suffer. I want you to go about with a long face, know only pain, focus on the loss and essentially be a pain in the ass. “I know that for each of them, they would wish me to have love, share joy, go towards the light, spend time with people who love and are loving. Move beyond the past, treasure the present, and know that the cycle of life and death is normal.
So, tonight I write that letter. Perhaps, I will begin with Grandma Millie, for she certainly would recommend combing my hair, putting on some lipstick, and wearing a stylish dress this Christmas season.
Have an impact on those who grieve, for who knows when you will be in need of the same love and nurturing you are sharing now?
Blessings during what can be the most magical season of the year.
Transform yourself.
Beth
Widows Unite! Grief - Five Tips to Survive the Holidays
By Beth Waddel Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.
Yes, with effort and support we can survive this season...we may even THRIVE.
Blessings.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel
For fun today, I googled “blogs for widows.” Much to my chagrin, there wasn’t much available. Originally when starting this blog, I viewed it as a home for all persons in transition. But, as the holidays approach, I am really “tuned in” to those of us who have experienced loss…family, death, change in circumstances. But, out of my affinity and identification with widows, this blog is dedicated to the “widows” among us, but the reasons apply to all who have experienced loss.
Reason One: The media communicates that holidays are happy, happy, happy family times. Yes, they are happy, at times. But, often they are not. The media does a good job of making many of us feel like outsiders….so, getting a reality check from web groups is a great idea.
Reason Two: Holidays are a time of community. There are many forms of community and now with social networking communities exploding on the internet, why not explore those communities?
Reason Three: Reframing our own lives is best done by listening to other people’s stories. We can step back, compare our situation by thinking about “others” and the challenges they face.
Reason Four: Get your mind off your troubles and realize that instead of doing belly button contemplation, you might be able to offer solace to someone less fortunate then you.
Reason Five: Holidays are meant to be enjoyed…oftentimes blogs offer suggestions and helpful hints that can boost your own creativity.
blog on….and share with all of us what you have discovered….
Beth