Do Not Grieve Alone.com

Please contact me if you are interested in a complimentary audio c.d, Letting Go of Loss.

This is an offer I am making to new subscribers to my newsletter, Happiness Boot Camp, but I want to make sure that my “gift” is available to all my blog readers.

So, if you are interested, please register for my newsletter and include your snail mail address…

Promise I will not sell, post….or better yet, come visit you (unless invited)

Writing, producing, and mailing this c.d will be yet one more adventure for all of us who

refuse to grieve alone….

Blog on,

Beth

PS The c.d will not include me singing, but instead I will walk you through a  guided imagery exercise designed to be another tool to accompany you as you travel through your transition.

I had a post all ready and then this morning while trying to “tweek it” it got eaten…but, that is probably a blessing in disguise.

All through the day I have been cleaning, actually decorating the Christmas tree, and in general behaving as life is “normal.”

I have received a couple of posts from women who are so heartfelt, I refuse to publically post them, although in one sense, it might give others comfort to know that “you are not alone.”

Please, feel free to email me so we can talk. Although, I am shifting my life so that coaching is my livehood, I am so honored to talk to anyone through tough spots during this challenging season.

So, please, feel free to email me at beth@donotgrievealone.com and let’s talk….consider it my gift to you, and my repay to the universe to all who have given to me.

Remember, there is NO NEED to hold this challenge all alone…

Please call….

Beth

Interesting this new phenomenon of blogging, putting our information and experience out there..the goal, to help others.

Be advised, I do not put your real name. You submit a comment and then I read the comment, change your name ( random initials) and then the comment is posted. So, fear not, you identity is protected.

I would encourage you to post as often as you like. The comments I have received from others is how comforting it is to know other people have similar feelings.

So, feel free to blog…no one need know who you are…just that you, like the rest of us, have thoughts, feelings and experiences we can benefit from.

 Blog On

1. DJ Says:
   October 16th, 2007 at 1:54 pm Before the phoenix goes up in flames and turns to ashes, she has become tired, worn, and ready to start anew, with lessons already learned being embedded in her DNA. As a phoenix arises from the ashes, she becomes renewed, stronger, and more beautiful (inside and out) in the transition. She becomes ready to fly to new adventures. The phoenix can also use her tears to heal the wounds of slef and others. The metaphor of the phoenix is particularly apt.

 DJ, Thank you so much for your comment regarding the mythology of my symbol. Following Rob’s death, I knew I was “forever changed” and the process of rising from the ashes…reconstructing my “so called life” was one of pain and agony as well as joy and transformation.

I knew I could not remain in the ashes, I knew I had to soar and transform, and nothing captured that better than the Phoenix. I am going to include, thanks to your post, some more Phoenix stories under the Phoenix Symbol category. Interestigly, every ancient culture embraces some aspect of this image.

Naturally, I believing “I am the Center of the Universe”thought…what a unique concept the Phoenix was to use with grief, transformation and change. Then I saw Phoenix Images everywhere. One great book DON”T LET DEATH RUIN YOUR LIFE: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Happiness After the Death of A Loved One, by Jill Brooke describes the work of Dr Joanne Jozefowski’s THE PHOENIX PHENOMENON:

This is a great model, but is “clean” like Joan Didion’s book A Year of Magical Thinking. This Phoenix Phenomenon Model is an example to me of a Clean Grieving Process.  I, Beth, on the other hand believe that grief is messy, snotty and NOT AT ALL CLEAN, so my MESSY GRIEVER COMMENTS will be interjected here with MGC before them.

           1. Impact: The initial state in which we process the reality of the death while sustaing our physiological     needs like food, water and rest. MGC: I went from a size 12 to a size 6 and subsisted on McDonald’s hamburgers purchased while driving thru the drive thru at night when no one could seed me.

        2. Chaos: We develop order from the debris while needing outlets to express our emotions of grief. (MGC: order came later, outlets to express grief…wailing, writing, scouring the internet for resources for widows…cursing Rob for the bad things that happened as well as being grateful for the good.)Outlets…isolation, not a good thing, with the exception of my earth angels.)

3. Adaptation: We learn to adapt to life without the loved one and seek connections to others through support systems, other grievers, work , school or our house of worship, as well as developing new roles for ourselves (MGC this is a great HEALTHY concept, and certainly one to be strived for, however, for this Messy Griever, this was a hit and miss proposition. Certainly after the first year some of these adaptations occured, but for that first year whenever I walked into my church I would sob, my choice of adapted was to ISOLATE with a few compassionate friends. Getting out and about and adapting was later…much later, even though I was “helpfully” counseled by many to do so…easier said than done.

4. Equilibrium: We attain stability and blance in life and are able to consider self potential without our loved one. (MGC: yes, but after much time. I remember the delight I felt at being able to manage a flooded kitchen with the appropriate use of a wet vac without calling my “real life angel Dave and Cher” to rescue me yet again…)

5. Posttraumatic Growth: A resulting metamorphosis as the person emerges reshaped from the loss, developing more self-potential, greater spirituality, altruism, self awareness and appreciation for life. )MGC, I love this and this certainly has been the route I have been on. However, clean it has not been. I have left my traditional private practice to embark on a new avenue of coaching, have stretched myself beyond any limits I thought possible, and above all have not only a new appreciation for life, but a new respect for the preciousness of the present moment.

Although in my early 50’s when I became a widow, I was astonished to read in The Handbook of Bereavement that 50% of all women 65 and older have lost a spouse.

So, there are people all over at various stages of Phoenix Emergence…I still can feel the icy hot flames which engulfed me early on, and my hope and prayer is to companion others as they confront the challenge of loss, grief and transition.

Beth

The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We find by Embracing Them

David Richo

Shambhala Press

Boston 2005

1. Everything changes and ends (Grace: Things renew themselves and move through cycles that furthur evolution)

2. Things do not always go according to plan ( Grace: we sometimes sense a larger plan at work through synchronicity that opens startling possibilities.)

3. Life is not always fair ( Grace: Something in us remains committed to fairness and refuses to be unjust or retalitory)

4. Suffering is a part of life (Grace: we have ways of dealing with it and thereby we expand our powers to handle further pain and help others in their pain.)

5. People are  not loving and loyal all the time (Grace: nothing has to get in the way of our acting with loving-kindness and not giving up on others. No human actions can take away another human being’s capacity to love” p.XIX

So, these five statements are at the foundation of Happiness BootCamp…it’s not the event as much as our ability to cope with the event that reveals our character. So, even in the face of the most challenging transition we can take that GIVEN (no matter how grim) and paradoxically use that GIVEN as an opportunity to transform ourselves and our lives in a way that is positive.

 For me, this week has been a perfect example…I had one plan, “life had another.” I could have channeled lots of energy in fighting “it is what it is”, or I could see what developed as a result of the changed plan. I much prefered the second option, although that DOES NOT MEAN I didn’t whine about it to anyone who listened.

So, think about this….

How have the following rules impacted YOU today, this week, this month….and by embracing the paradox of grace, how has your life been transformed? Or, have you spent time being miserable by raging against the unfairness?

Happiness tip: Acceptance.