Archive for the 'Buy This Book !' Category
Great new book on the market by Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want !!!
The psychological community has been waiting for this treasure to “come out” and wow, we have not been let down.
The BEST NEWS is that she has integrated research and theory so it’s not one of the touchy feely, cliche filled “happy books.” Indeed she has done a stellar job of presenting the research and empirical evidence to back up all the concepts she presents. So, even though Grandma Millie would agree with her findings, Dr. Lyubomirsky, presents the evidence so even the grumpiest of people will find it difficult to argue with the statement that HAPPINESS CAN BE ACHIEVED BY SKILLS AND HARD WORK….
The good news….
If we view happiness as a pie….(see the movie Waitress…thinking of pies) you will see that 50% of our happiness is determined by our genes ( happiness set point), 10 % by life circumstances, but the GOOD NEWS is that 40% is determined by our INTENTIONAL ACTIONS !
So, we CAN change our thoughts, behaviors and INCREASE (or as so many do, DECREASE) our happiness….by managing our daily behaviors and thoughts.
So, here we go…rather then focus on what we can’t control, we can focus on what we can control that blessed 40 %.
Too often we focus on the 10 % Life Circumstances ( eg being widowed, divorced, empty nested, rich, poor, challenged in some way) as if those life circumstances really DETERMINE whether or not we are happy. Instead, as numerous research studies convincingly points out, shifting the focus to how we construct our daily activites….thoughts, feelings, and behaviors… we can REALLY have CONTROL and IMPACT on our subjective sense of happiness and well-being, which in turn will improve not only our quality of life, but additionally the quality of our relationships as well.
This will work even with the genetically challenged, or those folks whose set point for happiness is low…we all know the folks who are “gloom and doom” in the face of even a “fun” life experience. Surely, those folks will have to work harder at developing their happiness muscle (that 40%)…but the good news is…it is possible.
Challenge One: Happiness Strategy One GRATITUDE : How have you expressed GRATITUDE for the blessings in your life? Have you even turned the light on those fortunes, or is your lens set permanently on “poor me”, scarcity rather than abundance, or “life sucks” ? If that’s the case, do yourself a favor for today…think about all you have to be grateful for, you will be glad you did. And, better yet, buy THIS book and DO THE WORK she so beautifully outlines in the book.
Blog on,
Beth
In the midst of a transition or life challenge oftentimes it’s hard to think of the “upside”, in fact, at certain times, when people reminded me of the upside during certain “bad periods” I wanted to hit him or her “upside the head.”
Well, Robert Emmons, Ph.D., has written a remarkable book on the empirical evidence which supports the health benefits, psychological benefits, and in general the sense of well-being that comes from experiencing and expressing GRATITUDE. The book is THANKS:How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier.
So, as I sit here in my house with a kitchen drain clogged, wet towels all over the floor, empty bottles of drano, a used “snake” and a plugger, I am grateful that Mr. Rooter Rooter will be on his way at any moment. Am I grateful that the drain got clogged? Nope, but I am grateful that I have my wits about me, friends who have helped, and now, an “expert” who will come out at no extra “weekend charge” to unclog said drain…Bless you, Mr Rooter Rooter Man…(all the local plumbers operate only weekdays…extra charge on weekends)
Dr. Emmons describes 10 prescriptions for the benefits of gratitiude in his book. and now on the web site thanksbook.com, you can read some of his ideas…ideas which will give you
“hope.”
I have tried in the last few days to cut and paste these “gems” and I will try once again. If I fail, check out that website and read the prescriptions, that alone might lighten your load.
10 Prescriptions for Becoming More Thankful
(taken from the book Thanks by Robert Emmons. PhD)
1. Keep a Gratitude Journal - Establish a daily practice in which you remind yourself
of the gifts, grace, benefits, and good things you enjoy. Setting aside time on a daily
basis to recall moments of gratitude associated with ordinary events, your personal
attributes, or valued people in your life gives you the potential to interweave a
sustainable life theme of gratefulness.
2. Remember the Bad – To be grateful in your current state, it is helpful to remember
the hard times that you once experienced. When you remember how difficult life used to
be and how far you have come, you set up an explicit contrast in your mind, and this
contrast is fertile ground for gratefulness.
3. Ask Yourself Three Questions – Utilize the meditation technique known as
Naikan, which involves reflecting on three questions: “What have I received from __?”,
“What have I given to __?”, and “What troubles and difficulty have I caused?”
4. Learn Prayers of Gratitude – In many spiritual traditions, prayers of gratitude are
considered to be the most powerful form of prayer, because through these prayers
people recognize the ultimate source of all they are and all they will ever be.
5. Come to Your Senses – Through our senses - the ability to touch, see, smell, taste,
and hear – we gain an appreciation of what it means to be human and of what an
incredible miracle it is to be alive. Seen through the lens of gratitude, the human body is
not only a miraculous construction, but also a gift.
6. Use Visual Reminders – Because the two primary obstacles of gratefulness are
forgetfulness and a lack of mindful awareness, visual reminders can serve as cues to
trigger thoughts of gratitude. Often times, the best visual reminders are other people.
7. Make a Vow to Practice Gratitude – Research shows that making an oath to
perform a behavior increases the likelihood that the action will be executed. Therefore,
write your own gratitude vow, which could be as simple as “I vow to count my blessings
each day,” and post it somewhere where you will be reminded of it every day.
8. Watch your Language – Grateful people have a particular linguistic style that uses
the language of gifts, givers, blessings, blessed, fortune, fortunate, and abundance. In
gratitude, you should not focus on how inherently good you are, but rather on the
inherently good things that others have done on your behalf.
9. Go Through the Motions – If you go through grateful motions, the emotion of
gratitude should be triggered. Grateful motions include smiling, saying thank you, and
writing letters of gratitude.
10. Think Outside the Box – If you want to make the most out of opportunities to flex
your gratitude muscles, you must creatively look for new situations and circumstances in
which to feel grateful.
“Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling”
Margaret Lee Runbeck
Loss and transition creates mourning. The process of managing grief and loss begins early enough in our lives. I remember the pain and anquish I experienced when Maggie, our beloved and rowdy beagle, mutilated my brand new Barbie doll. My devilish stepmother (stepmother number 1) threatened to take Maggie to the dog pound if I didn’t stop my crying…jeez quick lesson in emotional management…button up those feelings, or ELSE.
So, with each loss, big feelings emerge and one is left with a sense of how to manage and cope. For some of us distraction and avoidance is the order of the day. So, we may choose to “drink, smoke, eat, gamble, act out in self destructive ways” rather than approach head on the pain and agony of loss. Kubler Ross’s stages of grief (we could all quote them chapter and verse) are so engrained in our culture yet other templates of the process of grief/loss have been proposed and might “fit” more universally.
I know many people who believe they have done grief incorrectly if they don’t experience “anger”. Ummm, failed grief…go to the back of the room.
There are other excellent models of the grief process, my personal favorite is the work of Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D. , Seven Choices :Finding Daylight After Loss Has Shattered Your World. Essentially the process involves moving from the Old Normal to the New Normal. The transition may be due to death, change in jobs, change in family structure, change in our physical selves, but the transition needs to be acknowledged and negotiated. This is where positive psychology can provide us with tools to navigate the terrain of change.
What seems universal in the grieving/ transition process, the move from the Old Normal to New Normal is the utter state of confusion, chaos and imbalance that affects everyone. Losing keys, misplacing important documents, forgetting “things” is part of the grieving process. Too frequently, however, this disorientation is viewed pathologically instead of viewing those behaviors as indicative of a world gone “tilt.” Instead of engaging the critical inner head chatter as we bumble our way through the chaos, what we need is a sense that all is “well and right”, not that we have to like it, but that we are responding in an appropriate manner to a major loss/transition.
What we expect from loss/transition/grief can set the guidance system as we negotiate the terrain. If one expects to be devastated, lost, and forever “ruined” that kind of thinking will create life and circumstances that will ensure that. If instead, we adopt a “gut it out” attitude and actively embrace the painful process of grieving a loss AND expecting that at the end of the working through process a transformation will occur then the loss has not been for naught.
In Chinese, the word CRISIS is composed of two characters. One character represents danger, and the other character represents opportunity. The same is true of the grieving process, we get to set the tone and the path. The importance then becomes to transform the situation from one where we survive to one where we thrive.
Working through grief/loss/change…that’s the challenge. The tools provided by positive psychology can aid us in moving through the process because the greatest danger of all is to remain stuck and stagnate once the crisis has hit.
As Daniel Gilbert writes “the sentence” in his book Stumbling on Happiness, “the human being is the only animal that thinks about the future”…One group of researchers noted “Resilience is often the most commonly observed outcome trajectory following exposure to a potentially traumatic event.” In fact many survivors of major traumatic events suggest that their lives were enhanced by the experience.
So, what does this have to do with Happiness Boot Camp?
No, we can not avoid pain and tragedy. It is estimated that over half of the people in the US will experience a truama such as rape, physical assault, or natural disasters in their lifetimes, and only a small fraction will ever develop any post-traumatic (PTSD) pathology or require any professional assistance. (Gilbert 2006)
Since we are the ONLY animal that thinks about the future. Since we are guaranteed to experience grief/loss/transition why not build our arsenal of coping strategies from the work of positive psychololgy researchers ? Strategies which have been empirically tested, make good common Gramma Millie sense?
So, our first challenge during boot camp was identifying our Signature Strengths. Knowing, owning and working with what is our foundation is a crucial beginning as we begin this work.
Remember:
“Like swimming, riding, writing or playing golf, happiness can be learned” Boris Sokoloff
What Happy People Know and Do
1. Sense of well-being (SWB) is determined by POSITIVE THINKING HABITS
2. Sense of well-being and happiness is based on PHYSICAL HEALTH
3. Sense of well-being and happiness is rooted in attention and maintenance of PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
So, tune in next time for some concrete “take it to the bank” strategies to boost well-being and happiness….
Blog on,
Beth
The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We find by Embracing Them
David Richo
Shambhala Press
Boston 2005
1. Everything changes and ends (Grace: Things renew themselves and move through cycles that furthur evolution)
2. Things do not always go according to plan ( Grace: we sometimes sense a larger plan at work through synchronicity that opens startling possibilities.)
3. Life is not always fair ( Grace: Something in us remains committed to fairness and refuses to be unjust or retalitory)
4. Suffering is a part of life (Grace: we have ways of dealing with it and thereby we expand our powers to handle further pain and help others in their pain.)
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time (Grace: nothing has to get in the way of our acting with loving-kindness and not giving up on others. No human actions can take away another human being’s capacity to love” p.XIX
So, these five statements are at the foundation of Happiness BootCamp…it’s not the event as much as our ability to cope with the event that reveals our character. So, even in the face of the most challenging transition we can take that GIVEN (no matter how grim) and paradoxically use that GIVEN as an opportunity to transform ourselves and our lives in a way that is positive.
For me, this week has been a perfect example…I had one plan, “life had another.” I could have channeled lots of energy in fighting “it is what it is”, or I could see what developed as a result of the changed plan. I much prefered the second option, although that DOES NOT MEAN I didn’t whine about it to anyone who listened.
So, think about this….
How have the following rules impacted YOU today, this week, this month….and by embracing the paradox of grace, how has your life been transformed? Or, have you spent time being miserable by raging against the unfairness?
Happiness tip: Acceptance.