Archive for the 'Beth's Web Articles' Category
What’s wrong with me? Why am I so unhappy? Why did she look at me that way? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? What will happen if….
Mental scripts of a woman’s mind? Rolling negative thoughts, feelings, and perceptions can be an indicator that OVERTHINKING is at work. The downside to overthinking, addictions. Why? Addictions serve to medicate those kind of thoughts…positive addictions like running, yoga, sewing do the same thing…shut those thoughts OFF.
Unfortunately, positive or healthy addictions take time and energy. The harmful addictions shut things down or off, BUT, with the effort it takes to down a drink, inhale a quart of ice cream, or smoke a pack of cigarettes the appeal is compelling. All it takes is the money, or a friend, to obtain the substance and then, well, then the deed is done.
The pleasure I reap from being with women friends is enormous, the distress I experience at the harshness with which women deal with themselves is palpable. When I am with a group of talented, beautiful, bright women and I hear how they talk to themselves I have to step back. I realize that the overthinking and intense self scrutiny borders on cruel and abusive.
Eating, Drinking, Overthinking: The Toxic Triangle of Food, Alcohol, and Depression and How Women Can Break Free (Susan Nolen-Hoeksema) and The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lybubomirsky deal with this concept of women as overthinkers and the way the overthinking is hurtful, harmful and lead to negative behaviors as well as contributing to low self worth, self doubt, and a self view that can be paralyzing.
For many women overthinking has been part of our socialization. We spend time with our girlfriends “replaying” what was said, done, and the “what do you think it means?” phenomenon. Interestingly, as we mature, we continue that same intense “self examination” that frequently takes the form of “what’s wrong with me?” The research seems to conclude that rather than giving us “insight” that kind of continuous “negative self examination” instead leads to pessimistic thinking, self loathing and in general lowers our view of ourselves, which in turn, can create the need to self-medicate. Too often that self medication perpetuates the negative cycle rather than helping us break free of the self loathing…
Alcohol serves to shut off that “critical voice” in our head…, which is why too often women end up doing and saying things they would never do or say sober. Carbohydrates certainly create a chemical shift, that in turn changes our mood TEMPORARILY, but the change upward is seen on the scale. And, certainly, cigarettes, give the momentary sense of reward, but again the negative effects are experienced which leads to “I am a puff away from a pack a day.”
The consequences to the self medication are fleeting relief but in the long term lead to grief.
There are many ways to work with overthinking, but all those ways require us to realize that the relentless pursuit of self examination, analysis of ourselves in the world may not necessarily lead to greater well-being, but may instead serve to promote self hatred which is intensified by our attempts to take care of ourselves through unhealthy addictive behaviors…
So, just for today, when the overthinking is about our shortcomings, or puts a negative spin on our sense of ourselves, what would happen if we instead distracted ourselves and did something that made us know what terrific women we really are ? If we pursued “addictions” that fed our souls rather than those addictions that rob us of our health and well being?
Revolutionary thought , isn’t it?
Revolt, women, revolt.
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Beth is establishing her coaching practice, The Phoenix Rises Coaching, to aid women in mangaging transitions, grief, addictions, and life challenges. Contact Beth through http://donotgrievealone.com to find out about her coaching services. Also, while there, sign up for Beth’s newsletter, Happiness Boot Camp, and receive a complimentary c.d. “Letting Go of Loss.” Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel |
How crazy was THAT suggestion? Yup, a friend suggest I submit my “profile” to an online dating service, you know the drill…well, if you don’t, it’s worth a try. I am so glad I did…even if there were some interesting complications before I met a Prince of a Man.
My first foray into the world of internet dating was a lark. What did I have to lose? Besides I had a bet going. ..a bet I couldn’t pass up. So, I spent some time, composed my profile, dug up a picture and posted my “profile.”
What an interesting group of men responded.
Tip Number ONE Never list the city where you REALLY live. You never know if you want to “the guy.” It becomes pretty clear at once what kind of men you are dealing with. So, if you list a larger city, he may be none the wiser, and there’s no way for him to track you down. There are lots of interesting characters on these sites:The one’s who are a “legend in their own minds”, the one’s who don’t know how to speil, the one’s who are so crude that they make you giggle behind the scene. You can sort out alot just from the “git go”.
TIP NUMBER TWO: Never believe the pictures. My first go around was with a man who presented himself as highly educated, he was, sensitive, he wasn’t, and in great physical shape…oh, don’t get me going. Yes, his picture was gorgeous….flowing silver fox hair, trim a and fit body, tuxedo, former college athlete, spiritual, sensitive…well, I didn’t have a coach so of course, i believed the photo and the “line.”…well, that picture was taken at a better time in his life…and his self description? Let’s say it must have been a twin in a past life. But, hey, I hadn’t “dated” in many, many years and this guy was smooth….I bit, took the line, but had the sense to bail out after a couple of months…
TIP NUMBER THREE: Find out how long they have belonged to the dating service. I found that serial on line daters are a genre unto themselves. Fear of commitment, ego strokes, narcissistic personalities…yup, they all can be lumped into that group. This particular person took great pride in meeting women and then humiliating them by saying they did not look at all like their pictures, I often wonder, did the women ever say the same thing to him?
TIP NUMBER FOUR: If you get the feeling that there’s bad “juju” in the air, trust it. Too many women make excuses about the character and quality of the man, but once they look back there were red flags all over the place. He specialized in talking about himself, if I happened to mention an interest of mine….there was silence until I finished, and then he begin talking once again about his favorite subject : HIM .
TIP NUMBER FIVE: If he can regale you with tales of his conquests, tales of how the longest relationship he ever had as a widower/divorcee was less than 6 months, run for the hills. And remember, the story will be all about how the woman was just “not up to his standards” ….He likes the challenge of conquest, but has no sense of staying power, commitment, or really having an authentic relationship.
The good news after that first debacle, I was encouraged by my best friend to try again. This time “the gold ring” A man who is brilliant, successful, not “full of himself”, truly good looking (even better then his picture…still had the same athletic build he had as a college athlete)….history of a long, healthy, and stable relationship. Interested in someone other than himself, and yes, a respect for women, the process, and dignity.
So, widows, never give up…just be smart…there is a life beyond widowhood…you just need to reach out, get help, and realize you might meet alot of frogs before you meet a prince….
Sometimes the frogs make the most entertaining stories…well, off to enjoy more time with my Prince.
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Beth has been a practicing psychologist for twenty years. Following the tragic death of her husband, she and her three daughters have refused to “give up or give in” and are all working on building lives that are rich, full and complete. Beth has left her work as a traditional psychologist and is establishing Phoenix Rises Coaching to aid people who are facing life challenges and want to learn how to grow by using positive psychology as a foundation (http://donotgrievealone.com). Beth’s coaching includes the ins and outs of internet dating…and things to go for and things to avoid. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel |
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Widows Unite! Grief - Five Tips to Survive the Holidays
By Beth Waddel Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.
Yes, with effort and support we can survive this season...we may even THRIVE.
Blessings.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel