Do Not Grieve Alone.com

Why is it when we are going through grief and loss, mourning we either want to change everything, or keep everything “as it was.”

One of the major challenges of grief is knowing, what are the rules? Much like parenting, no one gave us the book ! Drat.

I know for me I wanted to take possession of my environment. There were so many reminders of my former life that with the aid of some very dear friends I started sifting through what was there. My stepbrother watched in amazement as I went through the closet.

He remarked, “My friend’s dad died five years ago, his mom hasn’t changed a thing. What are you doing?”

For me, the change was necessaray. I didn’t want to be confronted by physical memories in addition to all the heart and soul memories I had. I had to take control over the controllable….the 40 % referenced in The How of Happiness.

Somehow by taking action, small steps over what I had control over, gave me a sense of control, movement, and the feeling that although I could not have prevented the “loss” I could take steps that would combat the sense of hopelessness.

Robert Mauer, Ph.D, UCLA Medical School has authored

 The Kaizen Way: One Small Step Can Change Your Life

(This book was one of the take aways I received at the Winter Wellness/Positive Psychology forum in Sedona.)

Adopting this approach makes the notion of change not only possible, but probable. Much like the movie ,What About Bob ?, Mauer stresses making change in small ways rather than attempting to change everything all at once.

At one point many years ago I wanted to stop smoking, stop overeating, stop biting my nails. All at once. What was the probability for success…? (Pleased to report I have acccomplished all three, but NOT all at once)

Instead Mauer suggests the following baby steps….

• Ask small questions

• Think small thoughts

• Take small actions

• Solve small problems

In working with people confronting weight issues the goal is to lose in increments or “chunks”. The first goal is to lose 10 % of your body weight. Frequently, when presented with that a client would moan…ah, that’s not enough (translate too small a step). “I need to lose so much weight losing a pound or two pounds a week is not enough.”

It would not be unusual to have that person disappear, only to reappear having gained additional weight. Paradoxical, yes ? The person went to an extreme change method, and yes, it worked on the scale, but once he ate a baked potato he gained “five pounds.”
When we go through a transition we win and lose. Old friends fall away, new friends emerge. Whether the transition is divorce, job loss, a death in the family, the WHOLE system changes. Our challenge? Meeting the “new normal” on new normal terms.

Taking baby steps…so instead of confronting the “big picture” and wanting the change RIGHT NOW, we can take steps that are small, but consistent.

Let’s say that you have not returned to church because being there without your partner is too painful. Isolating is a real possibility, but instead taking baby steps to get there. Perhaps invite a friend to accompany you, decide to stay and leave following the sermon.

You are the Boss of Yourself and Your Change.

Grieving/Loss/Transition is all about Change.

Do it your way!

Remember old Chinese wisdom,

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

Check out The Kaizen Way, you will be glad you did.

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