I am newly widowed not even a month now and I don’t know when my days begin and nights end it is such a blur. I am a young widow only 35 and not widowed once but twice. The first left behind three wonderful sons, and at that time I thought how will I ever get through this I was only 25, I also thought who would want a women with three children already, boy was I wrong God sent me the most wonderful man on earth, and he loved those boys as if they were his own and in their own loving way they were, since they were so young when their father past away. Well I and my wonderful husband went on to have two beautiful daughters. Now I am left once again alone with not three children but five to raise on my own, I don’t know what to do. He was my soul mate, my best friend, the father of my children and my lover. I cry all the time. And I get so angry at everyone around me telling how sorry they are and they know how I feel, THEY DON’T. It’s not like no other loss, and I am sure the loss of a child, a mother or a father would feel the same, their loss is unique to them, just think of my boys they have lost two fathers, and I can’t even imagine their pain. Sometimes I just want to scream out to everyone around me don’t you miss him; don’t you realize he’s never coming back, why don’t you feel the pain I do. Then I finally come to my senses and realize he was extra special to me, we shared things only we knew of, we knew each others wants and needs, dreams and hopes, and we shared each other like no other.

Still Grieving,

Tina

Tinas last blog post..Mini Meltdowns…oh, yeah !

Surprisingly, this has been the most emotional Holiday Season for me since my dad’s death in Sept. 2004. I cry at the most inconvenient times, like: walking out of the Target store; or, when the “bagger” at the grocery store asks if I’m cooking for my family this year; or, when I’m driving my car and I see a man walking his dog down his street – just like Dad used to do with our dog years ago.

My sister and I haven’t celebrated Christmas together since Dad died. Some will surely judge me/us as cold and would probably encourage our reunion if for no other reason than “in his memory”. I won’t attempt to justify my decision not to do so by relaying my life story here. Suffice to say, I’m “just not going there”. However, I give myself permission to change my mind at any time. For me, that keeps it out of the “have to” file and in the much more positive (and honest) “possibility” file.

I like your suggestion about imagining a letter from your “lost” loved one. Even though my father and I had completely different views about life and the hereafter, I believe he would be gentle, kind, loving and absolutely, hilariously funny in relaying any message to me now. I think I miss that most about him.

As far as what I miss doing with Dad? I miss taking him for drives. He’d comment about how much more traffic there was say things like, “Where do all these people come from?” And, “How do young couples afford these huge, new homes?” Most often, I’d take him out in the country, which was his favorite place to go. How I wish I could have done this with him more often. It was the only time in my life that we ever came close to just “chatting” together. Not that we talked a lot or about anything “deep”. We just enjoyed the experience together and seemed to delight in making one another laugh. For example, if we passed a herd of cattle, I like to exclaim, “Dad! Look at all the bovine!” He seemed to get a kick out of that. If he was stiff and moved slowly getting out of the car, I would ask him if his butt was asleep. He would correct me and say, “It’s my MY ASS.”

I’m smiling and feel wonderful now.

Thanks for listening.

Love, Jane

Dad was a very successful businessman, but his family was very poor when he was a child. He told me one time that they saved the real toilet paper for company. I was surprised and asked him why he never told me that, or much else about his life, before my sister and I came along. He said he didn’t want me to feel sorry for him. “My God”, I told him. “It makes me respect you all the more.” This also reminds me of something else he said to many too many times to count over the last five years or so of his life. He said, “Old age. I don’t recommend it.” Isn’t that sad?

I’ve been teary numerous times while writing this. I feel calm and peaceful now.

Yes, let’s share some more, I love that.

Smooch

This will be the third year that the holiday blues haven’t ran my life or ruined the holiday. I refuse to let it happen anymore..
tradition.. I just wanted to share one that I have kept doing even when I hated the holiday with a driving passion.
When our daughter was born in 88 we strangely we were given 2 personalized christmas tree ornaments. They have her name and the year. So EVERY year those ornaments are put on the tree. It keeps a part of her alive within me and I think she would want that.

Maybe people would like to share a tradition or two with us??

L