Comments on: Grieving Widows Unite : Thrive Thru the Holidays http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/ Sun, 22 Apr 2012 17:16:47 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: sher http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-859 sher Sat, 17 Dec 2011 07:43:23 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-859 hi Beth, I thank you for making this site for widows-to-widows connection. I was widowed in April, 2009, after 33 years of happy marriage to Randy, 55, and me at age 54. I went through all the above mentioned grieving "waves", processes, ups, downs, thousands of gallons of tears (even tho I'm not normally the "crying" type). I finally, about a year later (May 2010) decided "enough" is enough... and was somewhat being successful at forging ahead as an independent single person. I had acknowledged to myself, that being alone was how it would remain... so get used to it, and get back to work. Then I met another widower, David.... NEVER would I have dreamed of falling so completely in love, again! He had also gone thru a long illness with his late wife, done the care giving, etc. David was my "prince" that rescued me. All I asked: that we have fun. We both worked full time, but when we were off, we did MANY fun things: biked, hiked, concerts, museums, kayaking, fishing... and just really were enjoying life. On New Year's Eve, 2010, he proposed... I accepted. He made all the plans for us to be married on a private beach in Florida on Valentine's Day. Did I mention he was a romantic?? February 1st David became really ill. Diagnosis: AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). We couldn't go to Florida, so we got married in his living room. Next day he went into the hospital for chemo.... was there 42 days... I stayed with him 24/7. He fought so hard, really wanting to live. He/we spent more than 8 months this year as an inpatient. He contracted double pneumonia & was hospitalized Sept. 18th, and due to complications (pneumonia, brain bleed, blood infection) after a bone marrow transplant...never got out of the hospital and died December 1. I am still numb. Widowed twice... in less than 3 years... the pain, aloneness, tears, ALL the same feelings are Just as intense (if not more so) as the 1st time. almost all of family, and friends are very supportive... brother and his wife, (both formerly widowed) and my sister and her husband (they celebrate 51 years in Jan. 2012) stayed with me for more than a week. Then they all had to return to their homes... out of state. Yes... the silence is Deafening. The alone feelings....are piercing. In 6 years I have lost my mother, dad, 2 fathers in-law, sister in-law, and now... 2 loving husbands. I am stunned. I feel like the opossum in the middle of the road, stuck, with the headlights glaring right at it. I am not a fanatic at religion, but I do believe in God. Right now... I'm not sure I'm on speaking terms with Him. I'm only talking to my dog... she seems to make the most sense in this wacky world. You wouldn't believe the comments I've heard from "friends" .... 'boy, you sure don't have the luck, do you?' ' my advice, don't get married again'..... wow.... I would Never say anything like this to someone who just lost their loved one... no matter how long (or short) a time they were together! What say you? hi Beth, I thank you for making this site for widows-to-widows connection. I was widowed in April, 2009, after 33 years of happy marriage to Randy, 55, and me at age 54. I went through all the above mentioned grieving “waves”, processes, ups, downs, thousands of gallons of tears (even tho I’m not normally the “crying” type). I finally, about a year later (May 2010) decided “enough” is enough… and was somewhat being successful at forging ahead as an independent single person. I had acknowledged to myself, that being alone was how it would remain… so get used to it, and get back to work.
Then I met another widower, David…. NEVER would I have dreamed of falling so completely in love, again! He had also gone thru a long illness with his late wife, done the care giving, etc. David was my “prince” that rescued me. All I asked: that we have fun. We both worked full time, but when we were off, we did MANY fun things: biked, hiked, concerts, museums, kayaking, fishing… and just really were enjoying life. On New Year’s Eve, 2010, he proposed… I accepted. He made all the plans for us to be married on a private beach in Florida on Valentine’s Day. Did I mention he was a romantic?? February 1st David became really ill. Diagnosis: AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). We couldn’t go to Florida, so we got married in his living room. Next day he went into the hospital for chemo…. was there 42 days… I stayed with him 24/7. He fought so hard, really wanting to live. He/we spent more than 8 months this year as an inpatient. He contracted double pneumonia & was hospitalized Sept. 18th, and due to complications (pneumonia, brain bleed, blood infection) after a bone marrow transplant…never got out of the hospital and died December 1. I am still numb. Widowed twice… in less than 3 years… the pain, aloneness, tears, ALL the same feelings are Just as intense (if not more so) as the 1st time. almost all of family, and friends are very supportive… brother and his wife, (both formerly widowed) and my sister and her husband (they celebrate 51 years in Jan. 2012) stayed with me for more than a week. Then they all had to return to their homes… out of state. Yes… the silence is Deafening. The alone feelings….are piercing.
In 6 years I have lost my mother, dad, 2 fathers in-law, sister in-law, and now… 2 loving husbands.
I am stunned. I feel like the opossum in the middle of the road, stuck, with the headlights glaring right at it. I am not a fanatic at religion, but I do believe in God. Right now… I’m not sure I’m on speaking terms with Him. I’m only talking to my dog… she seems to make the most sense in this wacky world.
You wouldn’t believe the comments I’ve heard from “friends” …. ‘boy, you sure don’t have the luck, do you?’ ‘ my advice, don’t get married again’….. wow…. I would Never say anything like this to someone who just lost their loved one… no matter how long (or short) a time they were together! What say you?

]]> By: Shirley http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-857 Shirley Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:17:53 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-857 I just lost my husband on 11/22/2011 What do I do next ? I find myself not knowing what to do, or how to go on. I'm still dealing with paperwork, waiting on the death certificate so I can move on. The house is so quiet that it is deafening if that makes any sense. I miss him so much. I so miss his touch. We were married for 26 years, we had two children that are now grown. My 20 year old son still lives at home and every day he reminds me of his daddy. I cry everyday all day. I just am lost and lonely. What do I do now ? I just lost my husband on 11/22/2011
What do I do next ? I find myself not knowing what to do, or how to go on. I’m still dealing with paperwork, waiting on the death certificate so I can move on. The house is so quiet that it is deafening if that makes any sense. I miss him so much. I so miss his touch. We were married for 26 years, we had two children that are now grown. My 20 year old son still lives at home and every day he reminds me of his daddy.
I cry everyday all day. I just am lost and lonely. What do I do now ?

]]> By: Beth Waddel http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-839 Beth Waddel Sat, 21 May 2011 20:49:29 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-839 One of the major articles about grief was written in the 1940's by Eric Lindeman. Essentially he really captured the "wave" phenomenon of grief. Yes, our grief comes in waves. Initially of course the waves are quite close together, may be every 20 minutes. And as we progress through our grief the waves become wider apart and soon it may be days or even months. I bet having the family visit was such a "high" for you, Liz. Something you really antipated and looked forward to and then....the aftermath, the let down hit and of course now you feel like sh**. Makes sense to me. Makes a whole lotta sense. And for me, feeling badly at times is just part of our whole living experience. We sure don't like to feel bad, that's for sure. AND, to top it off I think as widow's we have had enough "bad" feelings to last many a life time. So, naturally today is going to be one of those days where you don't feel so good. The let down is great AND rats, you are left alone again with your life, your new normal. And, it may feel bad, but it's okay. I love the expression " I am a human being Not a human doing" and so often we busy ourselves to death NOT to feel. Maybe instead it's okay just to give yourself permission to feel like sh-- for today. Maybe wallow in it for a little bit. I am a big proponent of whining...maybe allow yourself to whine and miss your family. Miss the excitment and then know that yes, tomorrow will be another day and you can step forward again into this new world. I am so glad you wrote back...I really am...if we share we are not so alone...that's the whole point, yes ? One of the major articles about grief was written in the 1940′s by Eric Lindeman. Essentially he really captured the “wave” phenomenon of grief. Yes, our grief comes in waves. Initially of course the waves are quite close together, may be every 20 minutes. And as we progress through our grief the waves become wider apart and soon it may be days or even months.
I bet having the family visit was such a “high” for you, Liz. Something you really antipated and looked forward to and then….the aftermath, the let down hit and of course now you feel like sh**. Makes sense to me. Makes a whole lotta sense. And for me, feeling badly at times is just part of our whole living experience.
We sure don’t like to feel bad, that’s for sure. AND, to top it off I think as widow’s we have had enough “bad” feelings to last many a life time. So, naturally today is going to be one of those days where you don’t feel so good. The let down is great AND rats, you are left alone again with your life, your new normal. And, it may feel bad, but it’s okay.
I love the expression ” I am a human being Not a human doing” and so often we busy ourselves to death NOT to feel. Maybe instead it’s okay just to give yourself permission to feel like sh– for today. Maybe wallow in it for a little bit. I am a big proponent of whining…maybe allow yourself to whine and miss your family. Miss the excitment and then know that yes, tomorrow will be another day and you can step forward again into this new world.
I am so glad you wrote back…I really am…if we share we are not so alone…that’s the whole point, yes ?

]]> By: Liz http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-838 Liz Sat, 21 May 2011 15:54:28 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-838 Hi Beth The family visit was great, I am so blessed with having such loving support from my family. Normally I am OK, but now and again like today I feel like sh.... When I am busy I am OK, I am wondering whether to send this or not to bother. Don't bother anybody etc . . . Hi Beth

The family visit was great, I am so blessed with having such loving support from my family. Normally I am OK, but now and again like today I feel like sh…. When I am busy I am OK, I am wondering whether to send this or not to bother. Don’t bother anybody etc . . .

]]> By: Beth Waddel http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-837 Beth Waddel Mon, 16 May 2011 21:12:21 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-837 Yes, indeed. No one speaks widow speaks like widows. I now recommend that EVERYONE who is widowed seek out a widow companion or group to talk too. We counselors who "know stuff" seem to be the most vulnerable...we know stuff, but still can't avoid the feelings. You have a double whammy with losing a child and now a spouse. Sheesh, more than a person should ever have to manage. Let's talk more...okay ? Yes, indeed. No one speaks widow speaks like widows. I now recommend that EVERYONE who is widowed seek out a widow companion or group to talk too.

We counselors who “know stuff” seem to be the most vulnerable…we know stuff, but still can’t avoid the feelings. You have a double whammy with losing a child and now a spouse. Sheesh, more than a person should ever have to manage.

Let’s talk more…okay ?

]]> By: Liz http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-836 Liz Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:16:10 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-836 Hi Beth I am coming up to the first anniversary! Nearly finished all those we did this together last year. My family (son, his wife and two gorgeous granddaughters) are visiting over Easter for my birthday, then it is one month until . . . . Do you ever feel or did you ever feel as if you have two heads or are speaking a different language, because friends haven´t a real clue as to what we are going through? I was a Counsellor before moving out here for retirement together, so I know all the theory or do I expect too much of people? My younger son died 8 years ago so I am VERY familiar with the pain. Thanks for listening. I have just some decorating on my own. Quite an achievement!! Hi Beth

I am coming up to the first anniversary! Nearly finished all those we did this together last year. My family (son, his wife and two gorgeous granddaughters) are visiting over Easter for my birthday, then it is one month until . . . . Do you ever feel or did you ever feel as if you have two heads or are speaking a different language, because friends haven´t a real clue as to what we are going through? I was a Counsellor before moving out here for retirement together, so I know all the theory or do I expect too much of people? My younger son died 8 years ago so I am VERY familiar with the pain. Thanks for listening. I have just some decorating on my own. Quite an achievement!!

]]> By: Delia http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-835 Delia Mon, 14 Mar 2011 10:32:23 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-835 Hi, just want to tell to all widow grieving,always remember your not alone,Imalso one of you.they keep telling us to move on,but the one thing very hard to accept the trueth. Hi, just want to tell to all widow grieving,always remember your not alone,Imalso one of you.they keep telling us to move on,but the one thing very hard to accept the trueth.

]]> By: Beth Waddel http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-791 Beth Waddel Sat, 01 Jan 2011 01:55:42 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-791 Susan, Getting your email really affected me. Like you, I was a therapist prior to my husband's death. I quit my formal therapy practice about two years following his death. It wasn't that it was hard ON ME doing therapy, but it was hard on my clients. I live in a relatively small community where good and bad news travels fast. I found that my clients were editing and diminishing what they had to say because of what I had been through. There was almost an apologetic quality to what they had to say. For example, I am having trouble with my marriage, but then of course, it's nothing like what YOU have been through. It was a relief to refocus, retool, and begin my life woking as a coach and focusing on building strengths, moving forward and employing LOTS of the principles of positive psychology to my practice. A spa...now that sounds NICE. I have embraced Nia (nianow.com) as a form of physical, emotional, spiritual exercise. I love it. I now go to Nia trainings and THAT has become my spa vacations :-) Following my husband's death I didn't have enough energy to exercise, but WOW since I have discovered Nia I am in heaven. It gives me a great workout, a time to be with others, and a time to dance away what ails me. If this is appealing to you at all....check it out. I would love to have even more conversation on this site. My New Year's Resolution is to revise my blog so that it is even more interactive. Can't wait to hear more from you ! Beth Susan,
Getting your email really affected me. Like you, I was a therapist prior to my husband’s death. I quit my formal therapy practice about two years following his death. It wasn’t that it was hard ON ME doing therapy, but it was hard on my clients. I live in a relatively small community where good and bad news travels fast. I found that my clients were editing and diminishing what they had to say because of what I had been through. There was almost an apologetic quality to what they had to say. For example, I am having trouble with my marriage, but then of course, it’s nothing like what YOU have been through.
It was a relief to refocus, retool, and begin my life woking as a coach and focusing on building strengths, moving forward and employing LOTS of the principles of positive psychology to my practice.

A spa…now that sounds NICE. I have embraced Nia (nianow.com) as a form of physical, emotional, spiritual exercise. I love it. I now go to Nia trainings and THAT has become my spa vacations :-) Following my husband’s death I didn’t have enough energy to exercise, but WOW since I have discovered Nia I am in heaven. It gives me a great workout, a time to be with others, and a time to dance away what ails me. If this is appealing to you at all….check it out.

I would love to have even more conversation on this site. My New Year’s Resolution is to revise my blog so that it is even more interactive.

Can’t wait to hear more from you !

Beth

]]> By: susan http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-790 susan Fri, 31 Dec 2010 22:58:54 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-790 My husband died in early October. Our children live in Chicago area and I am here in Indpls.. I am a therapist and have returned to work . I am thinking aBOUT GOING TO a spa this spring. I need to get away . I will be contributing to this site-I need it. My husband died in early October. Our children live in Chicago area and I am here in Indpls.. I am a therapist and have returned to work . I am thinking aBOUT GOING TO a spa this spring. I need to get away . I will be contributing to this site-I need it.

]]> By: Beth Waddel http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/comment-page-1/#comment-698 Beth Waddel Tue, 02 Nov 2010 03:16:15 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/12/05/31/#comment-698 The holidays sure do bring out a challenge for any newly changed family. One strategy that seems to work at least the first year is the sit down and figure out how can we do our holiday in a new and different way? One of my favorite stories was a family who saved money and went to Mexico. The old traditions were set aside and new traditions were established. Essentially a "new normal" went into motion. The first year following Rob's death the girls and I treated ourselves and did everything a little bit different. We even treated ourselves to a night in a nice hotel and went Christmas shopping for things we each wanted. That year we didn't even put up our traditional Christmas tree, but did put out some favorite items. Following your intuition is critical. Doing what's most comfortable for all of you is vital. Deciding as a family how to do things in a new and creative way might be kind of fun. Children need to learn that we can be resilient, and part of being resilient is learning that lives have changed and we are establishing a New Normal. In my experience, the first year of holiday activities is the most challenging. New traditions evolve, some old traditions are revisited, but the acknowledgement that our lives are forever changed is critical to everyone's health and well being. Be daring, be caring and above all be open to new and different expressions of this magical time of year. The holidays sure do bring out a challenge for any newly changed family.

One strategy that seems to work at least the first year is the sit down and figure out how can we do our holiday in a new and different way? One of my favorite stories was a family who saved money and went to Mexico. The old traditions were set aside and new traditions were established. Essentially a “new normal” went into motion.

The first year following Rob’s death the girls and I treated ourselves and did everything a little bit different. We even treated ourselves to a night in a nice hotel and went Christmas shopping for things we each wanted. That year we didn’t even put up our traditional Christmas tree, but did put out some favorite items.

Following your intuition is critical. Doing what’s most comfortable for all of you is vital. Deciding as a family how to do things in a new and creative way might be kind of fun.

Children need to learn that we can be resilient, and part of being resilient is learning that lives have changed and we are establishing a New Normal.

In my experience, the first year of holiday activities is the most challenging. New traditions evolve, some old traditions are revisited, but the acknowledgement that our lives are forever changed is critical to everyone’s health and well being.

Be daring, be caring and above all be open to new and different expressions of this magical time of year.

]]>