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Widows Unite! Grief - Five Tips to Survive the Holidays
By Beth Waddel Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.
Yes, with effort and support we can survive this season...we may even THRIVE.
Blessings.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel
read comments (13)
December 5th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
This will be my first Holiday without my husband. I’ve done some shopping but that is about it. My husband died from cancer this past September, he was 55. We were married for 35 years. I thought I was getting a grip on things but this has been a sad week. I so much need a hug from him. On a cold blustery day like this we would share the couch napping or watching an old movie. I can remember the smell of him, the way his weathered hands felt. I wished I couldn’t……….
I haven’t had anytime to be by myself……my son and family are staying with me right now because of a remodel of their home and medical problems with their 1 yr old daughter……I’m the babysitter while they work. I also have a niece that has 2 children that come and go as she needs a sitter. This is all suppose to end by March. I want to go away some place by myself to grieve, think, plan or not plan.
The last 5 years of our marriage were not ideal though. He was having performance problems which could have been due to the cancer. The sex didn’t matter to me..he was so unhappy about that and alot of things. Just before our 35th anniversary he said he didn’t trust anyone not even me. I don’t know if it was cancer making him so onery ( at that time we didn’t know he had cancer) or what. The cancer was really to advanced for hope by the time he was diagnosed. I wanted to have a big celebration but I was so hurt by that comment I canceled everything. The anniversary was just another day, now we will never celebrate again.
I have a lot of guilt issues….I prayed that if he couldn’t be cured, at least let it be quick…..it was less than 6 months. My brother died from cancer (6 long years) the week before my husband.
I’ve read about a “new normal” …… but I haven’t been able to think about me….I did cancel a Christmas party that has always been at my house…..
December 5th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
Ruth,
I wish I could reach thru this screen and give you a substitute hug…not one from your husband, but one from one widow to another.
The first of everything is so difficult. I wish you would re think your Christmas party. That first year I had my beloved friends over for a cookie exchange. The house was minimally decorated, but the love and spirit of having those women and one man in my home brightened my spirits for days. Also, even getting ready for the event took my mind off the struggles I was experiencing.
The past is gone forever. You did the best you could given the hand you were dealt.
Sounds like a forgiveness letter to yourself might be in order. A letter that says, you did the best you could…
Stay close to this blog. I am working on a teleconference support group to occur in a couple of weeks for people experien cing grief during this time. I will keep you posted.
Also, are there any support groups near you: hospice groups? This time of year can be so demanding, but with support and reaching out, you will get the added loving support you need right now.
I send blessings your way my friend, don’t go away too far…and please, don’t grieve alone.
Beth
December 7th, 2007 at 7:22 am
[...] Submit Articles Members Login Benefits Recent Articles Expert …By Beth WaddelWhen that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe “it will never happen to me.” 4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. …Do Not Grieve Alone.com – http://donotgrievealone.com [...]
December 13th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
A wonderful woman from Hospice called me today and by chance she hit when I was at a very low moment. We talked and decided, that I should see someone who deals with grief. I have had depression all my life and have tried to hide it all my life and I’ve been good at it.
I also have some issues, I have never told anyone in my whole life. I still don’t know if I can bare everything, what good would that do now….
Nope, the party would not be fun. It’s for my husbands side of the family. I can’t even make myself put up a tree. I did bring out the middle section of the tree to let the 4 little ones do whatever they want to it.
Why not grieve by myself? I planned a place about 3 hours away from home. I try not to cry around people….I feel embarrassed and so do they…..Don’t people get tired of a sad sack? I will read donotgrievealone.com
I feel …….. eh I just feel……
December 14th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Many more cyber hugs to you, Ruth.
Please join our telesupport group on December 18th. Sign up ! All you need is a phone. During that support call will be widows, all women who have experienced the complexity of emotions you are describing so beautifully.
Isn’t it interesting how the call comes at just the right time? People seem to feel the “vibe” and the phone rings.
Even though I am a psychologist and now a coach, I, too, wanted to do it on my own. I knew I couldn’t. So, I got all sorts of help…help from a wonderful coach, wonderful counselors…grief shared is so much easier then grief kept INSIDE.
This is my third Christmas, and this year I have up a tiny feather tree. I still have not put up my “real” tree…maybe later this week, who knows?
I also tried not to cry around people, and I was famous for isolating. The phone would ring and I would answer it with hesitation. I didn’t want to bring other people down… but, guess what? I got to the point where I could cry openly and freely.
The people who are really there for you WILL NOT tire of your tears. Usually tears would lead to laughter and perhaps back to tears again. But, the tears are shared.
Give your friends a chance, they may be more receptive to your tears then you are !
You have a reason to be sad…wouldn’t it be odd if you weren’t??
Cyber hugs and a hanky to you, dear Ruth.
Beth
November 12th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
OK, I need expert advice. My father passed away in March of this year, and because of illness and job loss, I have moved in with mom. I am a lady with grown children who live far away.
How do I help her get through the holidays? How do I cope? Dad is gone, and there is this huge hole. I need to get mom through. She is already saying that she wants to “stay home” for Thanksgiving and Christmas. As it stands now, my sister and her husband and their brood are coming Thanksgiving and we were to go to my sister’s Christmas.
Unfortunately, my job (yea! I have one!!!) has announced that we get two days off Thanksgiving and just Christmas Day. I tried to switch plans w/ my sister, and she told mom.
Now the fat is in the fire. Help!!! Advice???
December 19th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I too lost my husband this year in June 2008. He fell from a ladder while working and lasted two weeks in the hospital, after the first week of doing well, he had 3 massive strokes that all went to his brain stem. He was only 36 years old. No life insurance and now I am struggling to make ends meet. We were together 5 years and madly in love. Its been almost 6 months, but the holidays have intensified my grief…I hardly know how to deal with it since its gotten so strong. I have a son from a previous marriage who helps me greatly but I cant seem to get out of the dark tunnel I have entered starting in the beginning of December. Christmas was always our favorite time of year, and I just feel so hopeless and helpless now that he is gone. Sometimes I think I am literally losing my mind because I think of him day and night…its always in my head…milling around…why why why …why us. I have always led a happy life and whamo…I get dealt this hand of cards and I just dont have any experience in this area. Just wanted to share…Ruth you are not alone sweetie pie…I am right there with ya!
Cheryl
January 17th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
It has been four months now that my husband has been gone and I still expect him to walk through that door at the end of the day. The holidays were difficult but we did make changes. His birthday is between Christmas and New Year’s and that has been the most difficult event so far. We had been together for 25 years. I to feel like I will lose it at anytime. I have what I call “mini”meltdowns lately. I miss that when I felt life getting difficult he would always hug me and tell me that it was going to be ok. I was always reassured by him so now not having him here I am unsure about everything. I wish that I could have a dream of him or a vision of him but that has yet to come.
February 8th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Cheryl,
I just lost my husband of 5 1/2 years. We were together for 15 years. Madly in love. I feel your pain. I can’t imagine this life without him after a brain tumor took him suddendly, after we diagnosed 7 years ago. It was so stable, and suddendly, turned aggressive. I LIVED at the hospital 3 weeks, and 8 weeks at a hospice facility with him. Now I am home without him. We were inseperable, worked together, lived together, loved togther. I just cannot go on without him. He died Jan. 22nd. He really hung on for me and I can’t get past the guilt of him not here, and I am. he loved life. I was depressed until I met him, and now it is worse than before I met him. He was so special and unique. One of a kind. Not just a saying either. For real.
February 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Sorry Cheryl,
Did not mention my name is Kathy.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I have looked for a chatroom for widows. Does anyone know if such a thing exist?
My husband died one week ago today, yet it seems forever since I have seen him or held him
We were married for 21 wonderful years..he died of Prostate cancer that had spread to the lungs and liver. We have a 5 yr. old grandson that he wanted so bad to live for..
Joan
March 9th, 2009 at 10:48 am
My wonderful husband of 43 years died on 2 February 2009. I am devastated. He died as a result of treatment for non-Hodgkins lymphoma–his bonemarrow failed following intensive chemo and radiation treatments he had received over the past 2 years. This was our second round of treatment as he was originally diagnosed in 1995–we enjoyed a wonderful 11-year remission. But, he was only 67 when he died (8 days before his 68th birthday). He was in the hospital 39 days prior to his death. My daughter and I had to make a horrible decision to “let him go.” The doctors were telling us that he was only going to get worse (and he was essentially being kept alive via a breathing machine). My daughter (who is 40) and I are both having a very difficult time getting past the “guilt” of having to make this decision. He wanted so much to live! The tears are a constant. The house is too quiet (despite the tv or stereo always being on). I know that the grieving process takes time and that people do actually survive this horrible time. What I did not know until now was how absolutely painful grieving can be. I just miss him so much. Nancy
March 9th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Oh, to be alone at a time like this is maddening.
THe devastation is palapable.
THere are people out there in exactly the same boat, it’s just a matter of finding the right people.
There is a wonderful online organization GROWW which has ongoing support groups for people experiencing loss and grief. Also, local hospitals frequently offer grief groups through hospice programs. Churches are another place where the grieving can go and receive support.
More and more psychologists/coaches, like me, are working with grieving individuals to give them a sense of hope and structure for the future. THere may even be some bereavement counselors in your area.
I am always available to talk or to communicate with you. My email is waddel@turbonet.com.
Know that you are truly not alone. Reach out, there are many of us out there waiting.
Beth