Widows Unite! Grief - Five Tips to Survive the Holidays
By Beth Waddel Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.
Yes, with effort and support we can survive this season...we may even THRIVE.
Blessings.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
This will be my first Holiday without my husband. I’ve done some shopping but that is about it. My husband died from cancer this past September, he was 55. We were married for 35 years. I thought I was getting a grip on things but this has been a sad week. I so much need a hug from him. On a cold blustery day like this we would share the couch napping or watching an old movie. I can remember the smell of him, the way his weathered hands felt. I wished I couldn’t……….
I haven’t had anytime to be by myself……my son and family are staying with me right now because of a remodel of their home and medical problems with their 1 yr old daughter……I’m the babysitter while they work. I also have a niece that has 2 children that come and go as she needs a sitter. This is all suppose to end by March. I want to go away some place by myself to grieve, think, plan or not plan.
The last 5 years of our marriage were not ideal though. He was having performance problems which could have been due to the cancer. The sex didn’t matter to me..he was so unhappy about that and alot of things. Just before our 35th anniversary he said he didn’t trust anyone not even me. I don’t know if it was cancer making him so onery ( at that time we didn’t know he had cancer) or what. The cancer was really to advanced for hope by the time he was diagnosed. I wanted to have a big celebration but I was so hurt by that comment I canceled everything. The anniversary was just another day, now we will never celebrate again.
I have a lot of guilt issues….I prayed that if he couldn’t be cured, at least let it be quick…..it was less than 6 months. My brother died from cancer (6 long years) the week before my husband.
I’ve read about a “new normal” …… but I haven’t been able to think about me….I did cancel a Christmas party that has always been at my house…..
Ruth,
I wish I could reach thru this screen and give you a substitute hug…not one from your husband, but one from one widow to another.
The first of everything is so difficult. I wish you would re think your Christmas party. That first year I had my beloved friends over for a cookie exchange. The house was minimally decorated, but the love and spirit of having those women and one man in my home brightened my spirits for days. Also, even getting ready for the event took my mind off the struggles I was experiencing.
The past is gone forever. You did the best you could given the hand you were dealt.
Sounds like a forgiveness letter to yourself might be in order. A letter that says, you did the best you could…
Stay close to this blog. I am working on a teleconference support group to occur in a couple of weeks for people experien cing grief during this time. I will keep you posted.
Also, are there any support groups near you: hospice groups? This time of year can be so demanding, but with support and reaching out, you will get the added loving support you need right now.
I send blessings your way my friend, don’t go away too far…and please, don’t grieve alone.
Beth
A wonderful woman from Hospice called me today and by chance she hit when I was at a very low moment. We talked and decided, that I should see someone who deals with grief. I have had depression all my life and have tried to hide it all my life and I’ve been good at it.
I also have some issues, I have never told anyone in my whole life. I still don’t know if I can bare everything, what good would that do now….
Nope, the party would not be fun. It’s for my husbands side of the family. I can’t even make myself put up a tree. I did bring out the middle section of the tree to let the 4 little ones do whatever they want to it.
Why not grieve by myself? I planned a place about 3 hours away from home. I try not to cry around people….I feel embarrassed and so do they…..Don’t people get tired of a sad sack? I will read donotgrievealone.com
I feel …….. eh I just feel……
Many more cyber hugs to you, Ruth.
Please join our telesupport group on December 18th. Sign up ! All you need is a phone. During that support call will be widows, all women who have experienced the complexity of emotions you are describing so beautifully.
Isn’t it interesting how the call comes at just the right time? People seem to feel the “vibe” and the phone rings.
Even though I am a psychologist and now a coach, I, too, wanted to do it on my own. I knew I couldn’t. So, I got all sorts of help…help from a wonderful coach, wonderful counselors…grief shared is so much easier then grief kept INSIDE.
This is my third Christmas, and this year I have up a tiny feather tree. I still have not put up my “real” tree…maybe later this week, who knows?
I also tried not to cry around people, and I was famous for isolating. The phone would ring and I would answer it with hesitation. I didn’t want to bring other people down… but, guess what? I got to the point where I could cry openly and freely.
The people who are really there for you WILL NOT tire of your tears. Usually tears would lead to laughter and perhaps back to tears again. But, the tears are shared.
Give your friends a chance, they may be more receptive to your tears then you are !
You have a reason to be sad…wouldn’t it be odd if you weren’t??
Cyber hugs and a hanky to you, dear Ruth.
Beth
OK, I need expert advice. My father passed away in March of this year, and because of illness and job loss, I have moved in with mom. I am a lady with grown children who live far away.
How do I help her get through the holidays? How do I cope? Dad is gone, and there is this huge hole. I need to get mom through. She is already saying that she wants to “stay home” for Thanksgiving and Christmas. As it stands now, my sister and her husband and their brood are coming Thanksgiving and we were to go to my sister’s Christmas.
Unfortunately, my job (yea! I have one!!!) has announced that we get two days off Thanksgiving and just Christmas Day. I tried to switch plans w/ my sister, and she told mom.
Now the fat is in the fire. Help!!! Advice???
I too lost my husband this year in June 2008. He fell from a ladder while working and lasted two weeks in the hospital, after the first week of doing well, he had 3 massive strokes that all went to his brain stem. He was only 36 years old. No life insurance and now I am struggling to make ends meet. We were together 5 years and madly in love. Its been almost 6 months, but the holidays have intensified my grief…I hardly know how to deal with it since its gotten so strong. I have a son from a previous marriage who helps me greatly but I cant seem to get out of the dark tunnel I have entered starting in the beginning of December. Christmas was always our favorite time of year, and I just feel so hopeless and helpless now that he is gone. Sometimes I think I am literally losing my mind because I think of him day and night…its always in my head…milling around…why why why …why us. I have always led a happy life and whamo…I get dealt this hand of cards and I just dont have any experience in this area. Just wanted to share…Ruth you are not alone sweetie pie…I am right there with ya!
Cheryl
It has been four months now that my husband has been gone and I still expect him to walk through that door at the end of the day. The holidays were difficult but we did make changes. His birthday is between Christmas and New Year’s and that has been the most difficult event so far. We had been together for 25 years. I to feel like I will lose it at anytime. I have what I call “mini”meltdowns lately. I miss that when I felt life getting difficult he would always hug me and tell me that it was going to be ok. I was always reassured by him so now not having him here I am unsure about everything. I wish that I could have a dream of him or a vision of him but that has yet to come.
Cheryl,
I just lost my husband of 5 1/2 years. We were together for 15 years. Madly in love. I feel your pain. I can’t imagine this life without him after a brain tumor took him suddendly, after we diagnosed 7 years ago. It was so stable, and suddendly, turned aggressive. I LIVED at the hospital 3 weeks, and 8 weeks at a hospice facility with him. Now I am home without him. We were inseperable, worked together, lived together, loved togther. I just cannot go on without him. He died Jan. 22nd. He really hung on for me and I can’t get past the guilt of him not here, and I am. he loved life. I was depressed until I met him, and now it is worse than before I met him. He was so special and unique. One of a kind. Not just a saying either. For real.
Sorry Cheryl,
Did not mention my name is Kathy.
I have looked for a chatroom for widows. Does anyone know if such a thing exist?
My husband died one week ago today, yet it seems forever since I have seen him or held him
We were married for 21 wonderful years..he died of Prostate cancer that had spread to the lungs and liver. We have a 5 yr. old grandson that he wanted so bad to live for..
Joan
My wonderful husband of 43 years died on 2 February 2009. I am devastated. He died as a result of treatment for non-Hodgkins lymphoma–his bonemarrow failed following intensive chemo and radiation treatments he had received over the past 2 years. This was our second round of treatment as he was originally diagnosed in 1995–we enjoyed a wonderful 11-year remission. But, he was only 67 when he died (8 days before his 68th birthday). He was in the hospital 39 days prior to his death. My daughter and I had to make a horrible decision to “let him go.” The doctors were telling us that he was only going to get worse (and he was essentially being kept alive via a breathing machine). My daughter (who is 40) and I are both having a very difficult time getting past the “guilt” of having to make this decision. He wanted so much to live! The tears are a constant. The house is too quiet (despite the tv or stereo always being on). I know that the grieving process takes time and that people do actually survive this horrible time. What I did not know until now was how absolutely painful grieving can be. I just miss him so much. Nancy
Oh, to be alone at a time like this is maddening.
THe devastation is palapable.
THere are people out there in exactly the same boat, it’s just a matter of finding the right people.
There is a wonderful online organization GROWW which has ongoing support groups for people experiencing loss and grief. Also, local hospitals frequently offer grief groups through hospice programs. Churches are another place where the grieving can go and receive support.
More and more psychologists/coaches, like me, are working with grieving individuals to give them a sense of hope and structure for the future. THere may even be some bereavement counselors in your area.
I am always available to talk or to communicate with you. My email is waddel@turbonet.com.
Know that you are truly not alone. Reach out, there are many of us out there waiting.
Beth
I have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have two wonderful children. They are in elem. and junior high school. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in oct.2008. It started in his appendix but we didnt know until his galbladder was shutting down. They call it metatastatic adenocarcinoma. He fought it with chemo after chemo. Even experimental chemo in Nashville Tn. But it just didn’t work like it was supposed to. We fought for a year and a half. He died July 10,2010. It has been very hard to be without him. The kids hurt but do what they can. I think about him all the time. I burst into tears at night when I go to bed. Sometimes I wake up in cold sweats and tears. I try to not fall apart in front of anybody. Sometimes I have to go in another room or something just to cope with the feeling. They say in time it gets better but I don’t know. It hurts so bad and his birthday, and holidays and our anniversary is coming up before this year is out. It’s hard. I don’t have him to hug or share things with. He’s always been there and now hes not. How do you get through this? I’m 41 and he died at 44. Thats just to young. I know we don’t have control over things like that but I just wish I knew what to do. There’s nobody to blame but that’s the feelingI have sometimes. I can be driving down the road and just burst into tears over a song or a thought of something we used to do together. I either need alotof help or I ‘ve not greived enough. I am generally a happy person and I try to be that same person all the time but at times it’s hard. People tell me that if I need to talk or scream to call them but I feel like I might depress them if I do that. How do you cope with this? I know they mean well but they don’t understand like they say they do. I just hope this gets easier. It does right? Thanks Cheryl
My husband died very suddenly, but very peacefully in June 2010 after 42 years of marraige. I feel nobody else seems to understand, I agree with Cheryl about not wanting to be a burden to others. The friends I thought would understand aren´t particularly helpful. My son and his family are very supportive but they live in another country, but after that I am floundering. I feel because his death was very sudden my grief is getting worse with time, I had no time to prepare for this aloneness. I have been a counsellor in the past but this is like reading the unpublished chapter!! Thanks for the space to air my views. Liz
Liz,
Yes, this is the club we were all thrust into without our permission, yes? THe irony of course is that all the people who don’t get it now,will one day “get” it.
THe sudden versus expected death is such a mental game we all play. Because Rob died suddenly I was completely knocked off my rocker. Had he been ill perhaps I would have had time to prepare, but on the other hand, the agony of watching a loved one suffer would have been a different kind of hell.
I was fortunate to be surrounded by compassionate people who gave me wonderful comfort. There was another woman who had recently been widowed who ended up being my rock.
I knew from living in a relatively small town that she, too, had been widowed. People mentioned her to me. I had never met her, but during one bad day I got out the phone book and called her. She invited me over we both poured out our hearts to one another. She nurtured me along through this process. We then began reaching out to other widowed women and the comfort we found in our group was unlike any other comfort. She and I understood the grief that often has no words.
As a counselor myself I had a hard time finding anyone local who would take me on as a client because both my late husband and I had professional ties. I was fortunate to have a marvelous relationship with a personal coach, the coaching got me through. She lives over 2,000 miles away, but every Thursday am I had a phone session with her and she got me through the first 2 years of grief. She still gets me through challenges even now. Investing in her was one of the finest investments I ever made. I finally found a wonderful psychologist in town who had no connections to either me or my late husband, and she too was a marvelous support.
Social support is critical for the grieving. There’s empirical evidence to support the need for human comfort. I am hoping there is some kind of services available to you.
I am in the process of planning to do a teleconference group for widows. I will keep you posted.
In the meantime, PLEASE use this forum. Now that we are up and going again we can use this space in a timely way.
It’s been to months now since my husband passed away. I’m still a mess. I find it hard to be out and see other couples we know and not feel empty. I know it sounds silly to some but I feel really alone. I have kids but it’s not the same thing. I have friends but they have their spouses. It helps a little to talk about it but I guess it’s something each individual has to work out through their own time. I could use a little advice if their is any. Thanks.Cheryl
Cheryl,
UGH.
Have you read Thomas Moore’s book, The Dark Night of The Soul? A friend recommended that to me when I was in a similar frame of mind.
The research by Gallup on well-being suggests that in order to “thrive” we need about 6 hours of social connection a day. That isn’t hard to do when we are out and about, but when we retreat it certainly can be close to impossible. The good news is that 6 hours includes telephone, email, and other exchanges other than just face to face.
Wondering if there is a way to start connecting with people who don’t know you as part of a couple? Some place or activity that could absorb you for just a bit of time.
Ah, if only to get involved in some activity which might move you away ( even temporarily ) from you pain and give you some freedom from thinking and/or feeling ? Trying to achieve a sense of flow in something that can take your mind away from the grief ?
This grief stuff is so NOT for sissies. It’s tough work, but doable.
Hugs,
Beth
Thanks Beth. It would have been my husband´s birthday last Saturday, these are always difficult days I know. I spent it revisiting the places we went to visit the day before he died. Thanking one person for their help at the event of his death and informing another about his death. This was about a 90 mile (120kms) round trip, but well worth it.
You are right about the socialing times. When I am with people I am fairly OK, but this is the confusing part, because of the OKness others assume I am OK!! It does take a long time for the reality of his never, ever, returning home or being around to sink in.
It sure does take a long time…a long and challenging time.
I keep thinking this widow business is for sure not for sissies.
The memories that seem to crop up out of no where…
What a long and strange journey.
So glad you are sharing with us !
Beth
I have really been glad to read all of your stories, only because it really puts into perspective where I’ve been and where I am going. My husband died of carbon monoxide poisoning while camping with his Boy Scout troop. Thank God Boy Scouts don’t camp in the same tent with their parents…whatever the reason was, it left myself without my wonderful husband of 18 years, and our 13 year old triplets, 2 girls and a boy. It has been 8 months since this happened, and he had just celebrated his 40th birthday party. It was between Valentines and Our Anniversary which is Leap Day, February 28th/29th/March 1, lol. I have just started counseling for myself…the kids refused after a few visits with Hospice. Just not their thing…It has been eight months and we are preparing for the holidays. My therapist has made a very important point that I had not though of. This is the first death in the family, and they will forever remember how I handled my grieving. I don’t want them to remember Mom changing into a different person, and that she stopped living when their dad died. Our lives revolved around Alan, but we can do this without him (which I am NOT happy about) and the kids need to know that they are just as important to me as their dad was to me. This Holiday Season will suck for me, but I need to be positive for them and help them understand that we did not die, and we still have a reason to be on this Earth. Our story is not done…just a new chapter is opeining….but I will forever keep that other chapter in my diary and write in it when I need some comfort. Right now it is not awful, but I have a feeling that the numbness is still affecting us all.
I am struggling to figure out what we are going to do for the Holidays. Usually we’d open “Santa” presents, Alan and I would exchange, his parents would stop by and drop off gifts, and so would my parents. Then at night we would go to both parents houses for family dinners…what am I supposed to do now? I will feel incredibly uncomfortable at his families house, and so much more comfortable with my side of the family…who has been an incredible support to us. Part of me just wants to leave town for the week of Christmas, but I will really need to sit down with the kids to find out what THEY want, because that is what is most important ot me. His parents are wonderful, just gets really chaotic at his house…
Thanks for listening!
The holidays sure do bring out a challenge for any newly changed family.
One strategy that seems to work at least the first year is the sit down and figure out how can we do our holiday in a new and different way? One of my favorite stories was a family who saved money and went to Mexico. The old traditions were set aside and new traditions were established. Essentially a “new normal” went into motion.
The first year following Rob’s death the girls and I treated ourselves and did everything a little bit different. We even treated ourselves to a night in a nice hotel and went Christmas shopping for things we each wanted. That year we didn’t even put up our traditional Christmas tree, but did put out some favorite items.
Following your intuition is critical. Doing what’s most comfortable for all of you is vital. Deciding as a family how to do things in a new and creative way might be kind of fun.
Children need to learn that we can be resilient, and part of being resilient is learning that lives have changed and we are establishing a New Normal.
In my experience, the first year of holiday activities is the most challenging. New traditions evolve, some old traditions are revisited, but the acknowledgement that our lives are forever changed is critical to everyone’s health and well being.
Be daring, be caring and above all be open to new and different expressions of this magical time of year.
My husband died in early October. Our children live in Chicago area and I am here in Indpls.. I am a therapist and have returned to work . I am thinking aBOUT GOING TO a spa this spring. I need to get away . I will be contributing to this site-I need it.
Susan,
Getting your email really affected me. Like you, I was a therapist prior to my husband’s death. I quit my formal therapy practice about two years following his death. It wasn’t that it was hard ON ME doing therapy, but it was hard on my clients. I live in a relatively small community where good and bad news travels fast. I found that my clients were editing and diminishing what they had to say because of what I had been through. There was almost an apologetic quality to what they had to say. For example, I am having trouble with my marriage, but then of course, it’s nothing like what YOU have been through.
It was a relief to refocus, retool, and begin my life woking as a coach and focusing on building strengths, moving forward and employing LOTS of the principles of positive psychology to my practice.
A spa…now that sounds NICE. I have embraced Nia (nianow.com) as a form of physical, emotional, spiritual exercise. I love it. I now go to Nia trainings and THAT has become my spa vacations
Following my husband’s death I didn’t have enough energy to exercise, but WOW since I have discovered Nia I am in heaven. It gives me a great workout, a time to be with others, and a time to dance away what ails me. If this is appealing to you at all….check it out.
I would love to have even more conversation on this site. My New Year’s Resolution is to revise my blog so that it is even more interactive.
Can’t wait to hear more from you !
Beth
Hi, just want to tell to all widow grieving,always remember your not alone,Imalso one of you.they keep telling us to move on,but the one thing very hard to accept the trueth.
Hi Beth
I am coming up to the first anniversary! Nearly finished all those we did this together last year. My family (son, his wife and two gorgeous granddaughters) are visiting over Easter for my birthday, then it is one month until . . . . Do you ever feel or did you ever feel as if you have two heads or are speaking a different language, because friends haven´t a real clue as to what we are going through? I was a Counsellor before moving out here for retirement together, so I know all the theory or do I expect too much of people? My younger son died 8 years ago so I am VERY familiar with the pain. Thanks for listening. I have just some decorating on my own. Quite an achievement!!
Yes, indeed. No one speaks widow speaks like widows. I now recommend that EVERYONE who is widowed seek out a widow companion or group to talk too.
We counselors who “know stuff” seem to be the most vulnerable…we know stuff, but still can’t avoid the feelings. You have a double whammy with losing a child and now a spouse. Sheesh, more than a person should ever have to manage.
Let’s talk more…okay ?
Hi Beth
The family visit was great, I am so blessed with having such loving support from my family. Normally I am OK, but now and again like today I feel like sh…. When I am busy I am OK, I am wondering whether to send this or not to bother. Don’t bother anybody etc . . .
One of the major articles about grief was written in the 1940′s by Eric Lindeman. Essentially he really captured the “wave” phenomenon of grief. Yes, our grief comes in waves. Initially of course the waves are quite close together, may be every 20 minutes. And as we progress through our grief the waves become wider apart and soon it may be days or even months.
I bet having the family visit was such a “high” for you, Liz. Something you really antipated and looked forward to and then….the aftermath, the let down hit and of course now you feel like sh**. Makes sense to me. Makes a whole lotta sense. And for me, feeling badly at times is just part of our whole living experience.
We sure don’t like to feel bad, that’s for sure. AND, to top it off I think as widow’s we have had enough “bad” feelings to last many a life time. So, naturally today is going to be one of those days where you don’t feel so good. The let down is great AND rats, you are left alone again with your life, your new normal. And, it may feel bad, but it’s okay.
I love the expression ” I am a human being Not a human doing” and so often we busy ourselves to death NOT to feel. Maybe instead it’s okay just to give yourself permission to feel like sh– for today. Maybe wallow in it for a little bit. I am a big proponent of whining…maybe allow yourself to whine and miss your family. Miss the excitment and then know that yes, tomorrow will be another day and you can step forward again into this new world.
I am so glad you wrote back…I really am…if we share we are not so alone…that’s the whole point, yes ?
I just lost my husband on 11/22/2011
What do I do next ? I find myself not knowing what to do, or how to go on. I’m still dealing with paperwork, waiting on the death certificate so I can move on. The house is so quiet that it is deafening if that makes any sense. I miss him so much. I so miss his touch. We were married for 26 years, we had two children that are now grown. My 20 year old son still lives at home and every day he reminds me of his daddy.
I cry everyday all day. I just am lost and lonely. What do I do now ?
hi Beth, I thank you for making this site for widows-to-widows connection. I was widowed in April, 2009, after 33 years of happy marriage to Randy, 55, and me at age 54. I went through all the above mentioned grieving “waves”, processes, ups, downs, thousands of gallons of tears (even tho I’m not normally the “crying” type). I finally, about a year later (May 2010) decided “enough” is enough… and was somewhat being successful at forging ahead as an independent single person. I had acknowledged to myself, that being alone was how it would remain… so get used to it, and get back to work.
Then I met another widower, David…. NEVER would I have dreamed of falling so completely in love, again! He had also gone thru a long illness with his late wife, done the care giving, etc. David was my “prince” that rescued me. All I asked: that we have fun. We both worked full time, but when we were off, we did MANY fun things: biked, hiked, concerts, museums, kayaking, fishing… and just really were enjoying life. On New Year’s Eve, 2010, he proposed… I accepted. He made all the plans for us to be married on a private beach in Florida on Valentine’s Day. Did I mention he was a romantic?? February 1st David became really ill. Diagnosis: AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia). We couldn’t go to Florida, so we got married in his living room. Next day he went into the hospital for chemo…. was there 42 days… I stayed with him 24/7. He fought so hard, really wanting to live. He/we spent more than 8 months this year as an inpatient. He contracted double pneumonia & was hospitalized Sept. 18th, and due to complications (pneumonia, brain bleed, blood infection) after a bone marrow transplant…never got out of the hospital and died December 1. I am still numb. Widowed twice… in less than 3 years… the pain, aloneness, tears, ALL the same feelings are Just as intense (if not more so) as the 1st time. almost all of family, and friends are very supportive… brother and his wife, (both formerly widowed) and my sister and her husband (they celebrate 51 years in Jan. 2012) stayed with me for more than a week. Then they all had to return to their homes… out of state. Yes… the silence is Deafening. The alone feelings….are piercing.
In 6 years I have lost my mother, dad, 2 fathers in-law, sister in-law, and now… 2 loving husbands.
I am stunned. I feel like the opossum in the middle of the road, stuck, with the headlights glaring right at it. I am not a fanatic at religion, but I do believe in God. Right now… I’m not sure I’m on speaking terms with Him. I’m only talking to my dog… she seems to make the most sense in this wacky world.
You wouldn’t believe the comments I’ve heard from “friends” …. ‘boy, you sure don’t have the luck, do you?’ ‘ my advice, don’t get married again’….. wow…. I would Never say anything like this to someone who just lost their loved one… no matter how long (or short) a time they were together! What say you?
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