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Widows Unite! Grief - Five Tips to Survive the Holidays
By Beth Waddel Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.
Yes, with effort and support we can survive this season...we may even THRIVE.
Blessings.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Beth_Waddel
read comments (5)
December 5th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
This will be my first Holiday without my husband. I’ve done some shopping but that is about it. My husband died from cancer this past September, he was 55. We were married for 35 years. I thought I was getting a grip on things but this has been a sad week. I so much need a hug from him. On a cold blustery day like this we would share the couch napping or watching an old movie. I can remember the smell of him, the way his weathered hands felt. I wished I couldn’t……….
I haven’t had anytime to be by myself……my son and family are staying with me right now because of a remodel of their home and medical problems with their 1 yr old daughter……I’m the babysitter while they work. I also have a niece that has 2 children that come and go as she needs a sitter. This is all suppose to end by March. I want to go away some place by myself to grieve, think, plan or not plan.
The last 5 years of our marriage were not ideal though. He was having performance problems which could have been due to the cancer. The sex didn’t matter to me..he was so unhappy about that and alot of things. Just before our 35th anniversary he said he didn’t trust anyone not even me. I don’t know if it was cancer making him so onery ( at that time we didn’t know he had cancer) or what. The cancer was really to advanced for hope by the time he was diagnosed. I wanted to have a big celebration but I was so hurt by that comment I canceled everything. The anniversary was just another day, now we will never celebrate again.
I have a lot of guilt issues….I prayed that if he couldn’t be cured, at least let it be quick…..it was less than 6 months. My brother died from cancer (6 long years) the week before my husband.
I’ve read about a “new normal” …… but I haven’t been able to think about me….I did cancel a Christmas party that has always been at my house…..
December 5th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
Ruth,
I wish I could reach thru this screen and give you a substitute hug…not one from your husband, but one from one widow to another.
The first of everything is so difficult. I wish you would re think your Christmas party. That first year I had my beloved friends over for a cookie exchange. The house was minimally decorated, but the love and spirit of having those women and one man in my home brightened my spirits for days. Also, even getting ready for the event took my mind off the struggles I was experiencing.
The past is gone forever. You did the best you could given the hand you were dealt.
Sounds like a forgiveness letter to yourself might be in order. A letter that says, you did the best you could…
Stay close to this blog. I am working on a teleconference support group to occur in a couple of weeks for people experien cing grief during this time. I will keep you posted.
Also, are there any support groups near you: hospice groups? This time of year can be so demanding, but with support and reaching out, you will get the added loving support you need right now.
I send blessings your way my friend, don’t go away too far…and please, don’t grieve alone.
Beth
December 7th, 2007 at 7:22 am
[...] Submit Articles Members Login Benefits Recent Articles Expert …By Beth WaddelWhen that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe “it will never happen to me.” 4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. …Do Not Grieve Alone.com - http://donotgrievealone.com [...]
December 13th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
A wonderful woman from Hospice called me today and by chance she hit when I was at a very low moment. We talked and decided, that I should see someone who deals with grief. I have had depression all my life and have tried to hide it all my life and I’ve been good at it.
I also have some issues, I have never told anyone in my whole life. I still don’t know if I can bare everything, what good would that do now….
Nope, the party would not be fun. It’s for my husbands side of the family. I can’t even make myself put up a tree. I did bring out the middle section of the tree to let the 4 little ones do whatever they want to it.
Why not grieve by myself? I planned a place about 3 hours away from home. I try not to cry around people….I feel embarrassed and so do they…..Don’t people get tired of a sad sack? I will read donotgrievealone.com
I feel …….. eh I just feel……
December 14th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Many more cyber hugs to you, Ruth.
Please join our telesupport group on December 18th. Sign up ! All you need is a phone. During that support call will be widows, all women who have experienced the complexity of emotions you are describing so beautifully.
Isn’t it interesting how the call comes at just the right time? People seem to feel the “vibe” and the phone rings.
Even though I am a psychologist and now a coach, I, too, wanted to do it on my own. I knew I couldn’t. So, I got all sorts of help…help from a wonderful coach, wonderful counselors…grief shared is so much easier then grief kept INSIDE.
This is my third Christmas, and this year I have up a tiny feather tree. I still have not put up my “real” tree…maybe later this week, who knows?
I also tried not to cry around people, and I was famous for isolating. The phone would ring and I would answer it with hesitation. I didn’t want to bring other people down… but, guess what? I got to the point where I could cry openly and freely.
The people who are really there for you WILL NOT tire of your tears. Usually tears would lead to laughter and perhaps back to tears again. But, the tears are shared.
Give your friends a chance, they may be more receptive to your tears then you are !
You have a reason to be sad…wouldn’t it be odd if you weren’t??
Cyber hugs and a hanky to you, dear Ruth.
Beth