Comments on: Phoenix Rising Coaching: WidowHood http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/ Happiness Boot Camp For Those In Transition Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:01:35 +0000 By: Beth Waddel http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-34 Beth Waddel Sat, 27 Oct 2007 22:19:01 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-34 Yes, LS, we are certainly onto something...and that "something" as WW also addressed is finding people in our life who promote health, happiness, genuiness and growth. Certainly supports ALL the literature on happiness and well-being. The people who are really there for us will help us grow and flourish. It's a shame that often it's a crisis which creates the new circle of support, but now, each of us can value those who are truely supportive and concerned with our well-being. Those people who tolerate and manage our tears as well as our laughter. Character certainly is revealed during times like this... Yes, LS, we are certainly onto something…and that
“something” as WW also addressed is finding people in our life who promote health, happiness, genuiness and growth.
Certainly supports ALL the literature on happiness and well-being. The people who are really there for us will help us grow and flourish.
It’s a shame that often it’s a crisis which creates the new circle of support, but now, each of us can value those who are truely supportive and concerned with our well-being. Those people who tolerate and manage our tears as well as our laughter.
Character certainly is revealed during times like this…

]]> By: LS http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-33 LS Sat, 27 Oct 2007 21:27:08 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-33 While I do not have the experience of being a widow (Thank God) reading these posts has both made me think about the last 9 agonizing months of my daughter’s life when I had no choice but to watch her suffer 24/7. Those 9 months I was virtually on my own, partially because I wanted it that way, but more so because nobody, not even her father could stand to see her or me. She reminded them they would have to face her death soon, and they couldn’t stand to be with me because they had to see a pain they didn’t want to and couldn’t even begin to understand. When it was finally over her name was a forbidden word, never to be spoken. When it was over they made bets as to how long it would be before I ‘lost it’. They challenged me with that bet and I vowed to never let them see me fall apart. I hear people talk about the first year and then the second year after the loss of someone, but for me that grief did not happen until 13 years after the fact. What struck me the most with reading is that I may have avoided the pain and grief for a good many years, but it was all waiting there for me when I finally allowed it to happen. Maybe it was more that for some reason I waited until I could survive the crushing pain. It never went away because I avoided it, but waited patiently. My time to grieve was way past as far as friends and family were concerned and I had to get over it and on with my life. I have a new circle of friends now that encourage the healthy growth that has happened since I started feeling, and I started feeling again when I started grieving. I look at my twins on a daily basis and am reminded of their sister Vicky (it isn’t a name I avoid saying anymore) It is however a challenge for me in some way each and everyday. I constantly see her in them, but I also think and wonder about how she would have done things. Would she have wrecked our cars like the twins did? Would she have graduated from high school as they will this spring? Would she have given me the trouble that her sister has? What would she have become, what would she be doing right now? Bla bla bla While I do not have the experience of being a widow (Thank God) reading these posts has both made me think about the last 9 agonizing months of my daughter’s life when I had no choice but to watch her suffer 24/7. Those 9 months I was virtually on my own, partially because I wanted it that way, but more so because nobody, not even her father could stand to see her or me. She reminded them they would have to face her death soon, and they couldn’t stand to be with me because they had to see a pain they didn’t want to and couldn’t even begin to understand. When it was finally over her name was a forbidden word, never to be spoken. When it was over they made bets as to how long it would be before I ‘lost it’. They challenged me with that bet and I vowed to never let them see me fall apart.
I hear people talk about the first year and then the second year after the loss of someone, but for me that grief did not happen until 13 years after the fact. What struck me the most with reading is that I may have avoided the pain and grief for a good many years, but it was all waiting there for me when I finally allowed it to happen. Maybe it was more that for some reason I waited until I could survive the crushing pain. It never went away because I avoided it, but waited patiently. My time to grieve was way past as far as friends and family were concerned and I had to get over it and on with my life. I have a new circle of friends now that encourage the healthy growth that has happened since I started feeling, and I started feeling again when I started grieving.
I look at my twins on a daily basis and am reminded of their sister Vicky (it isn’t a name I avoid saying anymore) It is however a challenge for me in some way each and everyday. I constantly see her in them, but I also think and wonder about how she would have done things. Would she have wrecked our cars like the twins did? Would she have graduated from high school as they will this spring? Would she have given me the trouble that her sister has? What would she have become, what would she be doing right now? Bla bla bla

]]> By: ww http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-32 ww Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:57:20 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-32 And one more thought on the phoenix. How perfect, this symbol of renewal after total destruction. Before your website, this poem wrote itself during my grief journey, so I share it here. Unwilling to Enter Keening in a voice far away that later I realized was my own, a scream leapt from my chest like a fugitive wanting to run anywhere but here. Sentenced to lose my beloved’s life in 2 weeks it was time I didn’t think I could do. Shackled by grief and duty and love these three became my sisters who carried me on a plank to my own suttee The flames that would destroy me instead became the wings of the phoenix O Holy Fire what you ask seems impossible until dancing with flames becomes my daily practice I am singed, flinty, ashen, yet transformed. And one more thought on the phoenix. How perfect, this symbol of renewal after total destruction. Before your website, this poem wrote itself during my grief journey, so I share it here.

Unwilling to Enter

Keening
in a voice far away that later I
realized was my own,
a scream leapt from my chest like a fugitive
wanting to run anywhere but here.

Sentenced to lose my beloved’s life in 2 weeks
it was time I didn’t think I could do.

Shackled by grief and duty and love
these three became my sisters
who carried me on a plank to my own suttee

The flames that would destroy me
instead became the wings of the phoenix
O Holy Fire
what you ask seems impossible
until dancing with flames becomes my daily practice
I am singed, flinty, ashen, yet transformed.

]]> By: Beth Waddel http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-31 Beth Waddel Sat, 27 Oct 2007 04:52:43 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-31 Oh, yes, my friend, WW to me is wonder woman, As a widow-in-kind- your words are so true...the people that evaporate...the people who "go on" and want "us" to snap to it...Often it seems that our pain is a pain they might "catch", so to stay away is safer. I wonder how it is to forgive and move on? I know there are folks I have been hurt by in incredible ways, yet, I understand their own insecurities and pain. But, the petty part of me wants to respond, just wait...just wait until you are here because inevitably they will be...I too, will do or not do what you have done to me...that's no way to live, but the response is surely human... Safety for me now is with a new world of folks...with a few steady people who have been consistently there. I agree we do grieve the loss of a life partner and end up psychically alone...but I would much rather be me than be the people who have abandoned those of us who experienced the pain first...because one must remember, what goes around comes around...today, I trust the few who have held true and strong, and those who have traveled these roads...soul sisters indeed. That first year is "dramatic" and interesting...it's the second year that reveals the character of those who are "close". It's the second year when we need the support, and it's the second year when folks disappear, but thankfully, new folks emerge. It's all good, WW, and I am so thankful for having you on this journey. You are a blessing. Beth Oh, yes, my friend, WW to me is wonder woman,
As a widow-in-kind- your words are so true…the people that evaporate…the people who “go on” and want “us” to snap to it…Often it seems that our pain is a pain they might “catch”, so to stay away is safer.
I wonder how it is to forgive and move on? I know there are folks I have been hurt by in incredible ways, yet, I understand their own insecurities and pain. But, the petty part of me wants to respond, just wait…just wait until you are here because inevitably they will be…I too, will do or not do what you have done to me…that’s no way to live, but the response is surely human…
Safety for me now is with a new world of folks…with a few steady people who have been consistently there. I agree we do grieve the loss of a life partner and end up psychically alone…but I would much rather be me than be the people who have abandoned those of us who experienced the pain first…because one must remember, what goes around comes around…today, I trust the few who have held true and strong, and those who have traveled these roads…soul sisters indeed.
That first year is “dramatic” and interesting…it’s the second year that reveals the character of those who are “close”. It’s the second year when we need the support, and it’s the second year when folks disappear, but thankfully, new folks emerge.
It’s all good, WW, and I am so thankful for having you on this journey. You are a blessing.
Beth

]]> By: WW http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-30 WW Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:42:55 +0000 http://donotgrievealone.com/2007/10/17/phoenix-rising-coaching-widowhood/#comment-30 I think No. 3 needs more elaboration, for I think it's the meat and bones of the work to be done. First and foremost, one needs to find safety again in all those relationships and tasks. I remember never feeling safe in venturing outside my home because everyone else was attuned to normal life, and I'd just had the rug pulled out. It was extremely hard to enter the Safeway and deal with the chipper little check-out gal who kept inquiring if I was having an outstanding day. How do you tell such a clueless being that in fact, no, my life has come to an end and I feel like collapsing in the bread aisle? The other adaptation is to losses beyond the immediate loss of loved one. When a spouse dies, so many people evaporate and disappear besides our beloved ones; best friends don't call, family disown us, it's like we have bubonic plague when we show up to an event, and our mere presence causes horrible pain to be visible upon the faces of friends who see us and then they want to run from the pain they assume we represent. The losses keep mounting, and to re-orient to THAT seems to take a very long time. I think in grieving a life partner you end up psychically alone, at the north pole, in a very cold snowstorm, with no visible means of heat or shelter. You must determine how to find home again from here and be willing to start back with no map. I think No. 3 needs more elaboration, for I think it’s the meat and bones of the work to be done. First and foremost, one needs to find safety again in all those relationships and tasks. I remember never feeling safe in venturing outside my home because everyone else was attuned to normal life, and I’d just had the rug pulled out. It was extremely hard to enter the Safeway and deal with the chipper little check-out gal who kept inquiring if I was having an outstanding day. How do you tell such a clueless being that in fact, no, my life has come to an end and I feel like collapsing in the bread aisle?

The other adaptation is to losses beyond the immediate loss of loved one. When a spouse dies, so many people evaporate and disappear besides our beloved ones; best friends don’t call, family disown us, it’s like we have bubonic plague when we show up to an event, and our mere presence causes horrible pain to be visible upon the faces of friends who see us and then they want to run from the pain they assume we represent. The losses keep mounting, and to re-orient to THAT seems to take a very long time. I think in grieving a life partner you end up psychically alone, at the north pole, in a very cold snowstorm, with no visible means of heat or shelter. You must determine how to find home again from here and be willing to start back with no map.

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