This entry was posted on Monday, October 15th, 2007 at 1:25 pm and is filed under Buy This Book !, Positive Psychology Tips. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
“Happiness is not a station to arrive at, but a manner of traveling”
Margaret Lee Runbeck
Loss and transition creates mourning. The process of managing grief and loss begins early enough in our lives. I remember the pain and anquish I experienced when Maggie, our beloved and rowdy beagle, mutilated my brand new Barbie doll. My devilish stepmother (stepmother number 1) threatened to take Maggie to the dog pound if I didn’t stop my crying…jeez quick lesson in emotional management…button up those feelings, or ELSE.
So, with each loss, big feelings emerge and one is left with a sense of how to manage and cope. For some of us distraction and avoidance is the order of the day. So, we may choose to “drink, smoke, eat, gamble, act out in self destructive ways” rather than approach head on the pain and agony of loss. Kubler Ross’s stages of grief (we could all quote them chapter and verse) are so engrained in our culture yet other templates of the process of grief/loss have been proposed and might “fit” more universally.
I know many people who believe they have done grief incorrectly if they don’t experience “anger”. Ummm, failed grief…go to the back of the room.
There are other excellent models of the grief process, my personal favorite is the work of Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D. , Seven Choices :Finding Daylight After Loss Has Shattered Your World. Essentially the process involves moving from the Old Normal to the New Normal. The transition may be due to death, change in jobs, change in family structure, change in our physical selves, but the transition needs to be acknowledged and negotiated. This is where positive psychology can provide us with tools to navigate the terrain of change.
What seems universal in the grieving/ transition process, the move from the Old Normal to New Normal is the utter state of confusion, chaos and imbalance that affects everyone. Losing keys, misplacing important documents, forgetting “things” is part of the grieving process. Too frequently, however, this disorientation is viewed pathologically instead of viewing those behaviors as indicative of a world gone “tilt.” Instead of engaging the critical inner head chatter as we bumble our way through the chaos, what we need is a sense that all is “well and right”, not that we have to like it, but that we are responding in an appropriate manner to a major loss/transition.
What we expect from loss/transition/grief can set the guidance system as we negotiate the terrain. If one expects to be devastated, lost, and forever “ruined” that kind of thinking will create life and circumstances that will ensure that. If instead, we adopt a “gut it out” attitude and actively embrace the painful process of grieving a loss AND expecting that at the end of the working through process a transformation will occur then the loss has not been for naught.
In Chinese, the word CRISIS is composed of two characters. One character represents danger, and the other character represents opportunity. The same is true of the grieving process, we get to set the tone and the path. The importance then becomes to transform the situation from one where we survive to one where we thrive.
Working through grief/loss/change…that’s the challenge. The tools provided by positive psychology can aid us in moving through the process because the greatest danger of all is to remain stuck and stagnate once the crisis has hit.
As Daniel Gilbert writes “the sentence” in his book Stumbling on Happiness, “the human being is the only animal that thinks about the future”…One group of researchers noted “Resilience is often the most commonly observed outcome trajectory following exposure to a potentially traumatic event.” In fact many survivors of major traumatic events suggest that their lives were enhanced by the experience.
So, what does this have to do with Happiness Boot Camp?
No, we can not avoid pain and tragedy. It is estimated that over half of the people in the US will experience a truama such as rape, physical assault, or natural disasters in their lifetimes, and only a small fraction will ever develop any post-traumatic (PTSD) pathology or require any professional assistance. (Gilbert 2006)
Since we are the ONLY animal that thinks about the future. Since we are guaranteed to experience grief/loss/transition why not build our arsenal of coping strategies from the work of positive psychololgy researchers ? Strategies which have been empirically tested, make good common Gramma Millie sense?
So, our first challenge during boot camp was identifying our Signature Strengths. Knowing, owning and working with what is our foundation is a crucial beginning as we begin this work.
Remember:
“Like swimming, riding, writing or playing golf, happiness can be learned” Boris Sokoloff
What Happy People Know and Do
1. Sense of well-being (SWB) is determined by POSITIVE THINKING HABITS
2. Sense of well-being and happiness is based on PHYSICAL HEALTH
3. Sense of well-being and happiness is rooted in attention and maintenance of PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
So, tune in next time for some concrete “take it to the bank” strategies to boost well-being and happiness….
Blog on,
Beth
read comments (2)
October 16th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
My experience with grief until the last couple years was always anger. However that was due to the fact that I could in NO WAY express any other emotions. Crying wasn’t allowed, it showed weakness. Forgetting things would have been the death of me. Anger kept me focused on “something” so that I could function in a messed up world. Being happy was never an emotion that I had many dealings with until recently.
Guess that brings me to the point of this post. Learning to think and act positive has been in itself a process, of which I have a long way to go. The good news for me is that I now look forward to inching into the unknown, because I truly feel better looking at the positive and good side of myself. Something’s are actually becoming more comfortable just as my old destructive behaviors were my comfort zone, now I have a few healthy ways of dealing with grief and transition.
Anything is possible!
October 20th, 2007 at 12:21 am
My oh my but this website is a friend indeed. I have been struggling with a grief issue over the past two years and yes, it is both work and slogging through some tough emotions and yet in the same breath, very transforming. My spiritual self has had such an overhaul or rather a reawakening. So many growth opportunities have arisen, but the work is also sometimes quite scary. I can tell from the little reading I’ve done so far on this website that I will gain strength. I know I have it already like Dorothy always having had her ruby slippers. I’m striving for wellness. And I’m most thankful that Beth is transitioning from private practice to become a life coach. What a wonderful human being she is and one who is there to help others. Press on woman!